" It's not easy to hold it in inside;
nor is this silence I willingly abide,
so I let my words through these pages ride"

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Patience

I wondered yesterday if I'll be rewarded by Allah if I kept silent about my needs and wants, if I didn't demand them. And I thought, I would, insha Allah. Because it is being patient. And patience will be rewarded by Allah. Patience is an invaluable virtue. And it's a comforting thought.

Some little things when done would mean a lot to me. Some little things can hurt a lot. The little things that we do.

I know I'm not making much sense. I just wanna take it all out, all my random thoughts. Frustration.

Not to mention how incredibly bored I am.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Dream come true

Made a lot of friends here, Alhamdulillah. And I remembered, when I looked at my lil cousin brothers' class photo, I felt such awe to see so many students of different nationalities and races together in one class. It was simply amazing to me. Cause all my life, I have studied in India and you know my classmates are all the same, black hair, black iris, pretty much the same complexion. Indians. And the friends I made here, plus the girls at yesterdays party were were all from different countries. And they were all so different, the way they dressed, the way they wore their hijab, the way they talked, their hair, skin, eyes. Subhana Allah, beautiful. And I came home and thought, this is like a dream come true. I always wanted to be somewhere like that. With people of different races, it's been a dream to make friends with people like that. And Alhamdulillah, here I am fulfilling that dream.

A break from the usual tear stories huh? Sorry I've been so gloomy lately.

Well this is my blog, and I write what I feel like. I write cause it feels like I'm emptying my mind and that's good for me.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Being a wife

Married. Away from home. Living with husband. Being a wife. Or at least as wifey as I can.

Alhamdulillah. It's good. I'm so much better off than I thought I would be. Thanks to Allah Subhanata'ala, thanks to him, my husband. Allah and his love is my strenght right now. May it always be insha Allah.

There is a lot more responsibilities. A lot of getting used-to. More work than I ever did in my life. But hey, this is life. It aint easy. But Alhamdulillah, I'm happy. The pain of missing my mother, father, family, home, the person I used to be, that's there. But somehow, that feeling is not so prominent. It's there, somewhere in the bottom. And I weep or cry when it resurfaces, like I did a few minutes ago. But otherwise, I'm happy.

Appreciation. That's one important thing that everybody needs. He appreciates what I do, Alhamdulillah. But some people on the other hand are like 'You need to be happy, not sad' and 'I miss my mother too, but I live with it'. Words like that anger me so much that it makes me cry, a lot. How many 18 year-olds would do what I am doing? Not many. So a little bit of apreciation for what I am doing would be greatly apreciated instead of infuriating words as above.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Missing

I missed you more today mom. Wept several times. I wish I could tell you how much I miss you, how much I'm hurting just so you know that I'm thinking about you and missing you just as badly as you miss me.

Can't even bare to look at cute baby stuff. Everytime I see them our little girl's name is on my lips, and her innocent smiling face fills my head. She smiles at me for no reason, almost as if she just wanted to make me happy. I miss you so bad sweetsie.

There's so much to miss these days. My mom. My dad. My brothers. My sister-in-law. My baby niece. My Husband. I hope having him by my side will make things different, insha Allah. His love should heal me. Insha Allah. I miss my home. I miss everything about it. My awesome morning coffee. The fridge. The rugs. Everything.

I miss being me. I'm not me anymore; or so it feels. I seem to have left the real me back home. This me is different. She barely talks. She hasn't had a hearty laugh in what feels like ages.

I need to laugh. I need to sing. I need to speak up. I need to be me. This mask is suffocating me.

And here I go with endless gloominess again. Asthafirullah.

Perhaps I'll be able to post cheery stuff in the upcoming posts. Insha Allah.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Everbody faces it

I rush into the empty room. I needed to cry. I cried. I wanna see my mom. Umma. My umma. Your love means the world to me. I missed you so much today. Umma. I wish I could see you. Be with you. Hear your voice. Watch you smile. I need you mom.

Had a little shopping trip with my Mother-in-law. I missed my mom there so much. The endless shopping I had with mom. The endless car trips that I went with my family. Long car journeys, that was our speciality. I missed being with my family. The pain was tugging at my insides in the car and I was hurting but nobody knew, except Allah. Allah knows.

The supermarket had a rack lined with catfood. Reminded of me of the times I would insistently take a pack for my cats while my dad or brother protested. Reminded me of my long gone Fliss. My milky should be missing me now.

Him not being with me makes things all the more gloomy. Not hearing from him, well you know what that feels like. But I don't understand why I still don't hear from him enough.

They say everybody has to go through this, at least every girl. Getting married and going away from family. But the fact that every girl has to go through this doesn't make this less painful. Everybody has to go through puberty, that doesn't make it any less difficult. That could be the lamest assurance one can give "Everybody faces it". But Everybody is different. And hence this thing that everybody goes through is varying degrees of painful for each of them. To someone like me, it's a rather higher degree of painful.

This place is full of lizards. It's rather ironic. One of the ways I'm being tested.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Understanding

Sometimes what you need the most is a little bit of understanding. A little respect for how you feel. Somebody to say; "It's okay, I understand how you feel". It can hurt real bad when that understanding is not there. When somebody is so demanding that their need becomes their only concern. Understandable. But not less hurting.

Modesty is a part of me. I'm so shy that I have been married for over a week and I still can't speak to my Husband right. Doing some things makes me feel like I'm being stripped off my modesty.

I cried. Lots. I'm extra weepy these days. Lack of concern and understanding. Lack of respect for my shyness. Forcefulness. Threat. Was all too much for me. I cried to Allah. HasbiyAllah.

Patience. What's life when it's easy? I keep thinking.

In the morning. I was feeling just about the same. Angrier.

After a while though. Whoosh. All gone. A heartfelt apology can mean a lot.

I was made to cry twice yesterday. The first time, it hurt so bad. Somebody as good as called me fat. If it were anybody else, I wouldn't have cared a bit. But not from this person.

Allah be with me. Help me Allah.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Cry

More blurred days have passed. The days were blurred. The nights weren't.

Mom's face punches a whole in my chest. But otherwise I'm fine, happy, All praises be to Allah.

I cry hugging my legs.

I wanna go upstairs and cry again. If I were at home, I would have broken down right here. But I am not. I'm with my husband and my father-in-law in their computer room. I must go upstairs to cry without them noticing.

I didn't get to see my little princess today. Sweetsie, Poksie, Ammayi's baby, the names I have for her. I'll miss you so bad shweets. Sorry I didn't say bye to you.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Blur

The days are down to zero. I am married. Alhamdulillah Shukr. I am a wife. The past days were all but a blur. I remember feeling nervous. I remember feeling good. I remember crying my eyes and heart out, hugging my Mother tight, lying with her the night before my wedding day. I remember feeling anxious. I remember the feel of my chilled hands at the time of the Nikah. I remember feeling relaxed after I saw them and they said salam and shook my hand. I remember liking it being with them up on stage. I remember feeling extremely shy while I sat in car right next to them. But they took me by suprise yet again. Even their hands rubbing against mine has me breathless. I can't even smile at them inspite of wanting to so bad because of my shyness.

Alhamdulillah, I'm happier than I imagined I would be. I miss mom. I miss the faces of my family. I miss being the jovial carefree girl that I am at home. I miss home. Mom's food. The sweetness of our home.

It makes me uncomfortable when people are being a little too nice, but ignorance hurts.