Ya Hayyu Ya Qayyum bi rahmatika asthaees

Here's all about how Khadeeja came into this world. All Praises be to Allah. It's a long story.

I used to make dua to Allah Subhanata'ala to make easy for me my delivery while I was pregnant. I made dua to let me deliver when my mom and husband were near to me. I made dua to help me remember to call upon Allah when I have pain. Alhamdulillah. Indeed he is Al-Mujeeb, As'sami'.

I was incredibly happy from the morning of 9th september because my husband was coming and I was gonna see him after a week of waiting. I cleaned up the room for him, asked Umma to make special lunch for him and I dressed up for him, waiting at the door when I heard his honk with my widest smile. Alhamdulillah we had a beautiful day. And the night was the best we'd had in some time.

That night, I woke up at around 1:30 a.m. I answered the call of the nature and I felt my water break. It was more than a trickle but not a gush. I was sure it wasn't urine. I knew water break meant delivery was close, cause the baby is at risk without the amniotic fluid to protect her. I smiled and said 'I'm going to deliver today insha Allah'. I showered. Every few seconds the fluid would leak. And I did a quickie read on google on water breaks and what it meant and I had my confirmation. So I called my Umma before waking my husband; cause he was sleeping so peacefully and he had come after about 8 hours of car drive. Umma told me we'll wait a bit, so I waited, lying near him. My mind was buzzing with so many thoughts. I was so happy. Here was an end to my waiting, to everybody's waiting, our baby was on the way. And what more my husband was to leave to Malaysia in a few hours! He wasn't gonna go! He was gonna be there with me when I deliver. I repeated the names of Allah several times, over and over. Then Umma called and asked me to get ready and pack stuff for the Hospital. After I did most of the packing I told my husband that I have to go hospital, I asked if he wants to come then or later. He said he will come right then cause he is going to Malaysia later. He was in such sleep deep that it didn't occur to him that it meant that I was going to deliver that day! I explained to him some more. He didn't seem to understand. Then I changed and I called him again, he said he will come later. So I kissed him a few times and went downstairs. I had had a sort of pain from that evening, I thought it was cause of something else. A period like cramp. After my shower it kept increasing. It was a slight pain in my back that would come to my front, circle and go away and come back in a some time. I had no idea that it was the start of labor.

We reached the hospital at 4 a.m. I was taken to the labor room. Had a vaginal examination, which I hated. Some injections and a tablet to pass motion. They waited some time before they induced me cause my water was continuously leaking. I was in pain for some time. It was bearable. It was less painfull than I had imagined. I think I was in active labor from about 9 in the morning till 1:30 noon. This was a bit hard to go through. I repeated the words "Ya Hayyu Ya Qayyum bi rahmatika astaghees" for as long as I could. I kept calling on Allah. I dunno how I could ever thank Allah enough for letting me have my Umma and my husband by my side. Alahdmulillah. Allah Subhanata'ala and they were my strength. Active labor. So this was labor. I had several vaginal examinations during the time. I kept falling asleep, I would wake up at each contraction. At some point I think I stopped breathing, I got to know that only later from umma. When I woke up I found that I had an oxygen mask on me. And they monitored my baby's heartbeats. Doc noticed that there was a dip at each contraction. She waited some more time at my mom's request before deciding that I had to have a c-section. There was 0 dilation and no possibility for my baby to come out. This was the moment when I completely put my trust in Allah. When I handed my selves to Him. I had lost all my courage. I was scared, terrified. I was crying. I had no idea of what they were going to do to me. All I knew about c-section was that it wasn't normal and it was taking baby out by cutting you up. I had never read on c-section. It never even occurred to me. I learned all I could about vaginal birth. It never crossed my mind that c-section could be a possibility. It was almost as if I was sure that I was gonna have a normal birth. But Allah had willed otherwise. I was then taken to the theatre. I told my mom and my husband that I was scared; they assured me. At the theatre, I told the nurse standing next to me the same, I asked her to not let me see what they did. I was given anesthesia and then they did the surgery on me. The feeling after anaesthesia took effect on me was incredible; the labor pain, all of it, suddenly vanished. I could not see, Alhamdulillah, they had put a curtain in front of me. I wasn't completely unconscious. I could sense some things. I could hear some. I was kind of in a drowsy state, half asleep. I could feel when they started pushing down on my chest, they were pushing hard and then I think my baby was taken out. I heard a tiny cry and then nothing else mattered. I smiled. I remember asking a nurse if it's a boy or girl. Of course I half knew that I was carrying a girl but one could never be certain. They said it was a girl. Only then did they bring her to me. I don't remember seeing her at the theatre. It wasn't until several hours that I got to see my daughter. It wasn't until 3 days that I got to hold her in my arms.

I was in the ICU until the next morning. I was asleep most of the time. I was so happy to see my husband when he came, his love for her was all over his face, masha Allah, he was smiling, said he saw our baby and named her Khadeeja, a name I had suggested months back in Malaysia.

That night at ICU made me think of my grandmother, whose legs were paralyzed and my Uppa's aunt who has been bedded for over 30 years. My legs were numb for a long while, because of the effect of anesthesia and it hurt if I tried to turn or move at all. The hardest thing was my thirst. They wouldn't even give me a glass of water, saying it would make me vomit, again because of anesthesia. I had nothing to eat or drink for nearly over 18 hours. The coffee and biscuits I had the next the day were Alhamdulillah the best of my life.

The pain was bad for the following two-three days. Throbbing. And I was kind of silly. How I had to have an unplanned c-section was kind of a shock for me. I worried about so many things; will I be able to have many babies? what about my health in next pregnancy? What if I get pregnant to soon? I felt inferior. Why wasnt i capable of normal birth? And so on and so forth. And then my head was too crammed and eyes too sunken that I just had to leave it all to Allah. Tawakalthu walallahi. May it all be as Allah wills. It also hurt me a bit when most people around me seemed oblivious to my pain. Of course, I would hate exaggeration but it hurts when people belittle what I went through. But I know that Allah knows how it was for me and insha Allah He will reward me. I remembered particularly the visitors who asked of my health before they went to see my daughter. It suprised me when many didn't even think of asking me; even out of politeness, how I am. Silly. I also had many other disturbing thoughts; like, why do women have to go through such pain and none for men? It seemed a bit unfair. Are women that big sinners? Or are we being favored by Allah with this pain? Asthafirullah. Like I said, I was in a state of shock and I was kind of silly. Only 19, remember? Imagination didn't prepare me for the actual experience. It just had to be experienced to know it. And even after the experience, you forget it. After that, Alhamdulillah I got better. Now Alhamdulillah I'm even better, almost back to normal except for my flabby belly. But I can't know of my internal stitches, they take more time to heal.

It's like Prophet Ayyub Alayhisalam said; he asked his wife, ' Tell me how long did I enjoy good health and riches?' She answered '80 years'. 'And how long am I suffering like this?' She said '7 years'. Prophet Ayyub then told her, "In that case I am ashamed to call on my Lord ro remove the hardship, for I have not suffered longer than the years of good health and plenty"

So it was a bit hard for what, 3 days? 4 days? And do I dare complain? When Alhamdulillah, all my life I've had ease. When I have a daughter and there are so many who wishes they did. Alhamdulillah.

Now I'm home. Learning new things about my daughter everyday. Learning to take care of her. Bonding with my Khadeeja.

So that's my birth story.

Alhamdulillah that Allah made things easy for me. Alhamdulillah for my daughter. Alhamdulillah for my Umma. And Alhamdulillah for my husband, his love and support. I could never thank him enough.

Catching Up

Ah. I haven't blogged for even longer still. The last post seem to have been made ages ago.

Hopefully, reading this post will help the reader catch up with all that's been going on.

June was mostly about my brother's wedding and missing my husband terribly. July was okay, I got to be with my husband on most of it's days, the rest were spent missing him badly. Then came Ramadan-August. I could achieve two things, only two things this Ramadan or two goals that I could, Alhamdulillah, fulfill. May Allah accept it from me insha Allah. It was the fastest Ramadan yet. I spent most of the day hours in sleep and idleness. At night I tried to be a little less unproductive. And again there were days and nights that I missed my husband like crazy. One night I cried to Allah, in my sujood, "Let me be with him, Allah!" I cried and subhana Allah he was with me the next day. And there were a few treasured days when I could be with him, when I didn't have to cry my selves to sleep. Eid too passed by quickly. Thought it would be my gloomiest one when my husband said that he couldn't come to see me. But Alhamdulillah he could. Allah Shubhanata'la heard me and again I wept out of His Compassion for me. My first Eid with him.
And now it's September. The month of my due date. Here I am anxiously awaiting my baby, insha Allah. Not an hour passes by without me thinking "My water could break right now" or "I might deliver today". And not a minute passes by in which I don't sigh wishing my husband were here, wishing I could be with him. It's 12 days from today untill my due date, insha Allah, but I might have to wait longer still, only Allah knows, I just hope my husband and my Umma will be by side at the time. Insha Allah.

I thought that when I got married that missing my mom was the hardest thing but now, missing my husband is. I have changed. Here I am in the comforts of my home. My sweet mom. Dad. Brothers, Sister-in-law. Great food. Awesome room. No responsibilities at all. And a Lot of care. I am happy, most times. But I do not feel whole. My mind is not at ease. Because I keep yearning for my husband's company, for his love. I long to lie on his chest and kiss him. Sometimes it's just SO hard. I cry like Real bad. I can't control it. And sometimes it's okay, I can be patient like he asked me to be.

But you know, I shouldn't be so gloomy. Why can't I make the most of my time with my family? I doubt if I'll get to be with all of them for so long after I go to my husband after delivery. I'll miss them so much then, especially my mother. So I should be happy now, having fun with them. But I can't seem to. It's always about the other side being greener for humans.

I love him so much. Maybe this distance have done us some good. Surely my love for him is so much greater and deeper now. Alhamdulillah.

Now that the baby occupies most of my belly, she can't move around as much as before. I used to enjoy the wild movements that the baby made inside of me. It made me happy. But now all I get is little nudges. I miss the kicks. Doc said the intensity of foetal movements does reduce towards the end. My husband and I think that our baby is a little naughty, not coming and having us all wait with bated breath when she's fully grown. Lol.

How long untill I can have some time with my husband? How long untill my baby arrives?

Insha Allah. I ache for both.

So that's pretty much all about my unblogging months.