if i had the guts

if i had the guts i would tell my mother in law everytime she told me that men in her sons place do not assist their wives and do not take care of their children and so on and so forth; i would tell her that it is completely unislamic and it is wronging their family in the worst way. i would tell her that this kind of lifestyle is nothing to proud of or to be shared with me at every possible instance and it is no excuse for anything her son does or does not do. i would also tell her that nobody in their place is living with no less than 5 servants in the house in which case a man's assistance is rarely needed. And that is not my case. i would also tell her it wouldnt kill a guy in the family to change and accept a lifestyle that is different from theirs. is it only a woman who must change all the time? a carefree teenager who must tranform into a responsible housewife and then a caring full time mother? what about the guys? isnt it about time that they put away their childish irresponsible ways and act their age? isnt it about time that they at least try to become a father? infuriated. having these words inside my head with no way of them making it out is infuriating me. Allah give me patience. ameen.

Catching up

Is it necessary that I like death to have to accept it? Or old age? Or a calamity? Liking and accepting are two different things. I do not like old age. But i will accept it as the decree of Allah. I will believe that it is for the best and that Allah is the most Wise. But do I have to like it really? Is it necessery to like it? I dont believe so. Because things like that are hard to like. Nobody likes earthquakes or tsunami or sicknesses. But people accept it as the will of Allah. so to those people who say that I do have to like it. Talk to my hand. Better yet. Shut up.

These whispers of Satan. Annoying me greatly. making me lose my temper. making me miserable. making me want to go home. Satan is not really planting thoughts in my head, but he is playing with those that are already in my head, the worries, the doubts.

Things are not incredible, simply putting it. But Alhamdulillah i will get past it insha allah. Going to try to be like the earth; everything foul is thrown upon it but only that which is beautiful grows from it.

Someday something changed. I cannot seem to get things back to the way they were. nor do i want to because things does not deserve to be the same as ever. everything changes. people. feelings for them. the heart is forever turning and needs constant purification. As for my heart, it's like how i put it in my poem. It will be ok insha Allah and it will love but it will not be the same and it cannot love the same because it has sustained so many stabs and bruises or rather its been ignored and neglected far too mnay times, times when it most craved for company and care. Heres my poem coming to back to me again:

"Love, I will, always;
For I'm only human.
And hurt as deep as I might be,
My memories fade away
And new ones take their place.
But of my wounded heart
I cannot say the same,
For I know its incapable of healing
Such unexpected stabs it has sustained.
And so, my love for thee,
Though shall remain forever
Shall never be the same."

I guess this sort of marks the end of honey moon phase. Sarcasm. Anger. Apologies. Arguments. Cries. Regrets. Blames. Definite lack in patience, forgiveness, overlooking and mercy. Yup. It sure does.

Help me Allah. You are the most Merciful.

Stab

It is nothing short of a stab right through your heart when someone you love says something hurtful about you Parents. Be it even a word. Or maybe even the tone of what is said. Ouch. Still hurts.

My umma. Nobody could ever fully comprehend the relationship I have with her or with my dearest Uppa. Hurts me even more that I'm so far away from them. What if I am to never see them again? I will keep hurting till I can see my umma, smile at her and kiss her holding her tight.

Allah grant for my parents your Jannah and grant them long happy lives. Ameen.

I AM FAT

Yes I'm fat. But I wish some people would refrain from reminding me every single day of my life. I have a mirror. I see myselves everyday. It's not like I'm unaware of it nor do I like it. So why keep stabbing me with painful reminders when I'm already hurting?

Being fat is so difficult. Especially when you're the kind who doesn't eat too much but still are fat and you can't really help it. It makes you miss out on some of the most beautiful things in your life; like being asked to eat by your husband and being asked to take care of your health. It also makes you feel ugly no matter how you dress up.

I am fat. But I am not a food-attacking idleness-loving monster. I work. I eat little. It's not really my fault that I don't lose weight.

Just relieving a very disturbed mind.

Some observations

I've neglected you yet again blog. If you were a book that I wrote in you would be so very dusty right now, good thing you aren't.

So much has happened since last post. Not happened like ' a war broke out in my country' but happened like 'I flew to Malaysia with my baby' accompanied by my husband, mother-in-law and sister-in-law.

Sooo good to be back here with my husband, alhamdulillah. I had missed this place so much. I missed my simple life here. I missed the fun I had with my husband. But things are not like before now.

Khadeeja. She's so beautiful masha Allah. There is nothing like her smile. There is nothing like kissing her and making her laugh. I love her so. Alhamdulillah for her. I feel so motherly. It hurts me so much when she cries. Even more when she's crying and I can't comfort her because somebody else is carrying her. Makes me so frustrated to stand there without doing anything and watch her cry.

Some other things remain as same as ever. Was foolish of me to expect any changes there.

And here I am apreciating the way I was raised again. I'm in awe for my parents and the way they raised me. Alhamdulillah, masha Allah. May Allah grant them Jannah.

I respect my father so much. And my umma, for making me who I am right now, alhamdulillah. My umma, she is all about love and warmth. Everywhere around me are people so different. Their lifestyles are different. Their relationships are different. Their idea of love is different. To me, mine is the most meaningful.

If we love Allah Subhanata'ala, we obey him, if we love Rasulullah sallahi walaihi wasallam we follow his sunnah. And if we love the people, we show it, express it.

Some people are forever the same. They abide by their systems and lives the same old lives. Change is a necessity. A good muslim always strives to be better. People has got to change. They need to live their role in life, when their role changes they have to change too. Its not so hard. With good intentions and with the firm thought of 'For Allah' anybody could change. Wives don't have to be nagging simply because the typical wife is supposed to, fathers don't have to be ignorant concerning his child and men don't have to be unconcerned about every little work done in his house. I agree that women are to be indoors mostly and men are ofcourse more outdoorsy, that's the way we were created ofcourse. But I do not agree that kitchen is a no place for a man or that cleaning is not his thing. Is it pride that makes some men that way? Is it shameful to offer a hand with the dishes? I don't think so. Rather it is noble. Noble like the Prophet sallahi walahi wasallam.

I pity those men out there who knows pretty close to nothing about a house wife and the responsibilities she undertakes in her everyday life. Life could be so much more different, meaningful and fulfilling if they had the heart to help around just a tad bit. Doing stuff together can be so much fun, rewarding, be it even taking out the trash. It brings you closer, makes you happier. It makes you kind, gentle and merciful. And you know what Allah does when He loves a household? He spreads kindness among them. So when you show kindness to the memebers of your home, it just means Allah loves your household! How beautiful. If only people could grasp that.

But ah to me; life is good Alhamdulillah. I could make it better by changing my selves which I really really have to; but I get tired of changing people especially when they are so unwilling. So I'll live insha Allah. All the hardships I ever went through has alhamdulillah only benefitted me. Made me stronger and more independent and dignified. So I embrace this hardship. And I wait for ease. Because certainly says Allah subahanata'ala "With hardship comes ease". And I put my trust in Allah.

When traditions become Sunnah

Crazy. How some traditions can be so commonly adhered to that they become more important than the sunnah, almost like, say, if somebody were to shun a sunnah, no one cares, but if someone were to shun this tradition, it's Not the same.

Ya Hayyu Ya Qayyum bi rahmatika asthaees

Here's all about how Khadeeja came into this world. All Praises be to Allah. It's a long story.

I used to make dua to Allah Subhanata'ala to make easy for me my delivery while I was pregnant. I made dua to let me deliver when my mom and husband were near to me. I made dua to help me remember to call upon Allah when I have pain. Alhamdulillah. Indeed he is Al-Mujeeb, As'sami'.

I was incredibly happy from the morning of 9th september because my husband was coming and I was gonna see him after a week of waiting. I cleaned up the room for him, asked Umma to make special lunch for him and I dressed up for him, waiting at the door when I heard his honk with my widest smile. Alhamdulillah we had a beautiful day. And the night was the best we'd had in some time.

That night, I woke up at around 1:30 a.m. I answered the call of the nature and I felt my water break. It was more than a trickle but not a gush. I was sure it wasn't urine. I knew water break meant delivery was close, cause the baby is at risk without the amniotic fluid to protect her. I smiled and said 'I'm going to deliver today insha Allah'. I showered. Every few seconds the fluid would leak. And I did a quickie read on google on water breaks and what it meant and I had my confirmation. So I called my Umma before waking my husband; cause he was sleeping so peacefully and he had come after about 8 hours of car drive. Umma told me we'll wait a bit, so I waited, lying near him. My mind was buzzing with so many thoughts. I was so happy. Here was an end to my waiting, to everybody's waiting, our baby was on the way. And what more my husband was to leave to Malaysia in a few hours! He wasn't gonna go! He was gonna be there with me when I deliver. I repeated the names of Allah several times, over and over. Then Umma called and asked me to get ready and pack stuff for the Hospital. After I did most of the packing I told my husband that I have to go hospital, I asked if he wants to come then or later. He said he will come right then cause he is going to Malaysia later. He was in such sleep deep that it didn't occur to him that it meant that I was going to deliver that day! I explained to him some more. He didn't seem to understand. Then I changed and I called him again, he said he will come later. So I kissed him a few times and went downstairs. I had had a sort of pain from that evening, I thought it was cause of something else. A period like cramp. After my shower it kept increasing. It was a slight pain in my back that would come to my front, circle and go away and come back in a some time. I had no idea that it was the start of labor.

We reached the hospital at 4 a.m. I was taken to the labor room. Had a vaginal examination, which I hated. Some injections and a tablet to pass motion. They waited some time before they induced me cause my water was continuously leaking. I was in pain for some time. It was bearable. It was less painfull than I had imagined. I think I was in active labor from about 9 in the morning till 1:30 noon. This was a bit hard to go through. I repeated the words "Ya Hayyu Ya Qayyum bi rahmatika astaghees" for as long as I could. I kept calling on Allah. I dunno how I could ever thank Allah enough for letting me have my Umma and my husband by my side. Alahdmulillah. Allah Subhanata'ala and they were my strength. Active labor. So this was labor. I had several vaginal examinations during the time. I kept falling asleep, I would wake up at each contraction. At some point I think I stopped breathing, I got to know that only later from umma. When I woke up I found that I had an oxygen mask on me. And they monitored my baby's heartbeats. Doc noticed that there was a dip at each contraction. She waited some more time at my mom's request before deciding that I had to have a c-section. There was 0 dilation and no possibility for my baby to come out. This was the moment when I completely put my trust in Allah. When I handed my selves to Him. I had lost all my courage. I was scared, terrified. I was crying. I had no idea of what they were going to do to me. All I knew about c-section was that it wasn't normal and it was taking baby out by cutting you up. I had never read on c-section. It never even occurred to me. I learned all I could about vaginal birth. It never crossed my mind that c-section could be a possibility. It was almost as if I was sure that I was gonna have a normal birth. But Allah had willed otherwise. I was then taken to the theatre. I told my mom and my husband that I was scared; they assured me. At the theatre, I told the nurse standing next to me the same, I asked her to not let me see what they did. I was given anesthesia and then they did the surgery on me. The feeling after anaesthesia took effect on me was incredible; the labor pain, all of it, suddenly vanished. I could not see, Alhamdulillah, they had put a curtain in front of me. I wasn't completely unconscious. I could sense some things. I could hear some. I was kind of in a drowsy state, half asleep. I could feel when they started pushing down on my chest, they were pushing hard and then I think my baby was taken out. I heard a tiny cry and then nothing else mattered. I smiled. I remember asking a nurse if it's a boy or girl. Of course I half knew that I was carrying a girl but one could never be certain. They said it was a girl. Only then did they bring her to me. I don't remember seeing her at the theatre. It wasn't until several hours that I got to see my daughter. It wasn't until 3 days that I got to hold her in my arms.

I was in the ICU until the next morning. I was asleep most of the time. I was so happy to see my husband when he came, his love for her was all over his face, masha Allah, he was smiling, said he saw our baby and named her Khadeeja, a name I had suggested months back in Malaysia.

That night at ICU made me think of my grandmother, whose legs were paralyzed and my Uppa's aunt who has been bedded for over 30 years. My legs were numb for a long while, because of the effect of anesthesia and it hurt if I tried to turn or move at all. The hardest thing was my thirst. They wouldn't even give me a glass of water, saying it would make me vomit, again because of anesthesia. I had nothing to eat or drink for nearly over 18 hours. The coffee and biscuits I had the next the day were Alhamdulillah the best of my life.

The pain was bad for the following two-three days. Throbbing. And I was kind of silly. How I had to have an unplanned c-section was kind of a shock for me. I worried about so many things; will I be able to have many babies? what about my health in next pregnancy? What if I get pregnant to soon? I felt inferior. Why wasnt i capable of normal birth? And so on and so forth. And then my head was too crammed and eyes too sunken that I just had to leave it all to Allah. Tawakalthu walallahi. May it all be as Allah wills. It also hurt me a bit when most people around me seemed oblivious to my pain. Of course, I would hate exaggeration but it hurts when people belittle what I went through. But I know that Allah knows how it was for me and insha Allah He will reward me. I remembered particularly the visitors who asked of my health before they went to see my daughter. It suprised me when many didn't even think of asking me; even out of politeness, how I am. Silly. I also had many other disturbing thoughts; like, why do women have to go through such pain and none for men? It seemed a bit unfair. Are women that big sinners? Or are we being favored by Allah with this pain? Asthafirullah. Like I said, I was in a state of shock and I was kind of silly. Only 19, remember? Imagination didn't prepare me for the actual experience. It just had to be experienced to know it. And even after the experience, you forget it. After that, Alhamdulillah I got better. Now Alhamdulillah I'm even better, almost back to normal except for my flabby belly. But I can't know of my internal stitches, they take more time to heal.

It's like Prophet Ayyub Alayhisalam said; he asked his wife, ' Tell me how long did I enjoy good health and riches?' She answered '80 years'. 'And how long am I suffering like this?' She said '7 years'. Prophet Ayyub then told her, "In that case I am ashamed to call on my Lord ro remove the hardship, for I have not suffered longer than the years of good health and plenty"

So it was a bit hard for what, 3 days? 4 days? And do I dare complain? When Alhamdulillah, all my life I've had ease. When I have a daughter and there are so many who wishes they did. Alhamdulillah.

Now I'm home. Learning new things about my daughter everyday. Learning to take care of her. Bonding with my Khadeeja.

So that's my birth story.

Alhamdulillah that Allah made things easy for me. Alhamdulillah for my daughter. Alhamdulillah for my Umma. And Alhamdulillah for my husband, his love and support. I could never thank him enough.