Emptying a very idle head

I haven't posted anything in so long. If my blog had readers, I'd like to think they missed me. Fortunately, my blog don't have any readers.

It's raining in here. I was sitting in the balcony and watching the view when I remembered a moment in my 9th standard, I was in the front row and I was looking outside the window while my teacher was taking attendance and she told me off for being distracted but she also said it was okay if I was cooking up a poem. I remembered this and I smiled. And i wept. I miss it. School. Class. Teachers. The learning environment. And where was this poetry? Where is the poetess in me? Where is the reader in me? Where is the thinker in me? I feel so ignorant. I haven't done anything productive for like ages. I was smart. Teachers saw me as a smart student. The girls saw me as a cool nerd. I was one, sort of. I miss learning. I miss setting my brain to work. This idleness, ignorance, it's not me and it's not the bliss that I always thought it would be. There's no one to blame but my selves.

Now that I'm here, I miss home. Nearing the 6th month of pregnancy, I'm often tackled by hunger pangs, and that's when I miss mom's food the most.

But this is my home too. I love the simplicity of life in here. And I am at ease when I'm here. When I'm away from my husband, it is the hardest thing.

My baby. She hasn't kicked in a while. She. He. Can't be sure. Doc said might be Girl. I was wrong about the motherly instincts. I had imagined a baby boy inside of me. I would love a baby girl all the same. A few days back I was lying on our couch and thinking, imagining...Baby boy, I sent him to school, I played with him, I taught him, I gave him advices on treating his wife and he even got married, and I smiled to my selves thinking how far my imagination had run when I didn't even know if it was a boy or girl in there! Insha Allah, can't wait.

Hmm. When will I study again? Like for real. Not the lame online classes, I could do them anytime I want, only the procrastinator in me won't let me. I never valued education. To me the whole schooling thing was a waste of time, back then I'd much rather be home with family and do my own stuff. I hated the tension I had before exams. I always wanted to get them over with ASAP.

Not that I dislike being a house wife, I consider it the most honorable thing. But as it turns out, it also matters to me what other people think, even though it shouldn't really.

Maybe it's my fault that I never really had a purpose for my selves. What did I wanna be? I always thought of becoming a teacher. But i knew it would never work out. I never thought of poetry as my career or writing. I wanted to study Islam. But I was not determined or focused enough to have accomplished that. I knew I'd get married soon after school, and I just waited for that. But I should have had a plan for me. Education is important. Gaining knowledge is important.

Also, it turns out your decent character and moral values will not earn you ALL the respect, at least not the respect Education and a driving license can, not that I care.

Just emptying a very idle head. ALLAH forbid it to be the devil's workshop. Ameen.