Emptying a very idle head

I haven't posted anything in so long. If my blog had readers, I'd like to think they missed me. Fortunately, my blog don't have any readers.

It's raining in here. I was sitting in the balcony and watching the view when I remembered a moment in my 9th standard, I was in the front row and I was looking outside the window while my teacher was taking attendance and she told me off for being distracted but she also said it was okay if I was cooking up a poem. I remembered this and I smiled. And i wept. I miss it. School. Class. Teachers. The learning environment. And where was this poetry? Where is the poetess in me? Where is the reader in me? Where is the thinker in me? I feel so ignorant. I haven't done anything productive for like ages. I was smart. Teachers saw me as a smart student. The girls saw me as a cool nerd. I was one, sort of. I miss learning. I miss setting my brain to work. This idleness, ignorance, it's not me and it's not the bliss that I always thought it would be. There's no one to blame but my selves.

Now that I'm here, I miss home. Nearing the 6th month of pregnancy, I'm often tackled by hunger pangs, and that's when I miss mom's food the most.

But this is my home too. I love the simplicity of life in here. And I am at ease when I'm here. When I'm away from my husband, it is the hardest thing.

My baby. She hasn't kicked in a while. She. He. Can't be sure. Doc said might be Girl. I was wrong about the motherly instincts. I had imagined a baby boy inside of me. I would love a baby girl all the same. A few days back I was lying on our couch and thinking, imagining...Baby boy, I sent him to school, I played with him, I taught him, I gave him advices on treating his wife and he even got married, and I smiled to my selves thinking how far my imagination had run when I didn't even know if it was a boy or girl in there! Insha Allah, can't wait.

Hmm. When will I study again? Like for real. Not the lame online classes, I could do them anytime I want, only the procrastinator in me won't let me. I never valued education. To me the whole schooling thing was a waste of time, back then I'd much rather be home with family and do my own stuff. I hated the tension I had before exams. I always wanted to get them over with ASAP.

Not that I dislike being a house wife, I consider it the most honorable thing. But as it turns out, it also matters to me what other people think, even though it shouldn't really.

Maybe it's my fault that I never really had a purpose for my selves. What did I wanna be? I always thought of becoming a teacher. But i knew it would never work out. I never thought of poetry as my career or writing. I wanted to study Islam. But I was not determined or focused enough to have accomplished that. I knew I'd get married soon after school, and I just waited for that. But I should have had a plan for me. Education is important. Gaining knowledge is important.

Also, it turns out your decent character and moral values will not earn you ALL the respect, at least not the respect Education and a driving license can, not that I care.

Just emptying a very idle head. ALLAH forbid it to be the devil's workshop. Ameen.

My home

I miss my home so bad. I miss the home where I live with my husband. Our simple home where we live our simple lives. Our little world. Who knew I would ever miss that home more than my real home?

I miss spending time with ny husband. Just the two of us. I miss talking to him, kissing him randomly. I miss making coffee quite early in the morning for him. I miss listening to him reciting Quran. I miss my kitchen. I miss our balcony. I miss our bedroom. I miss it all.

I realize that it is my home now.

Needing them

I couldn't have my fiance. I completely accepted that, endured it. I can't have enough of my husband? How am I to endure that? Can't do.

I wanna show him my love. Have his given to me. It makes me wanna cry. I can't hold it in!

Maybe its all this hormonal changes?

It's even more frustrating to see that he doesn't seem the least bit bothered by it.

Hmph.

Home

Wanna go home.

But there is also love

Days pass. Things happen, but days continue to pass. Some are blurred, some are vivid.

There's a lot to say. The one on top of my mind right now is this: I am pregnant.

Alhamdulillah.

As for the other things; like I said. Marriage is marriage. Life is life. Neither is easy. I can say my life as my mother's and father's daughter was easier. Easy, responsibility-free life. I miss my home. I miss every nook and corner of it. I miss the freedom I had there. I miss my family. But things have changed now, and I have to accept Allah's decree. I am a wife, housewife, mother-to-be; insha Allah. When everything is perfect, there is no meaning to life. So I embrace this little hardship. Because I know ease will come. Insha Allah. Because I put my trust in Allah.

Maybe, hardship and ease will keep coming untill eternal ease-Paradise is here. Insha Allah. And I live happily, hoping for the final reward, hoping for Allah's reward, for Allah's mercy on me.

So everytime I'm hurt. I am rewarded. Everytime I be patient; I am rewarded. Insha Allah. Allah hears me. He hears every thought that runs through my head. Allah knows what's in my heart. And who can make things easy better than Allah? Who can solve problems better than Allah? No one. And so I turn to Him.

But it's not all hardships and no happiness; there is love, there is happiness. There is peace and tranquility.

As for the tiny pain, insha Allah, it will go away. I will strive for it. Insha Allah.

I put my trust in you, Allah.

Patience pays off

Patience pays off. I craved for understanding and I got exactly that. Alhamdulillah. May it be so always. Insha Allah.

And I wept out of my love for Allah, out of his compassion for me.

Allahu Akbar.

Understanding

Again, I crave for a little bit of understanding.