" It's not easy to hold it in inside;
nor is this silence I willingly abide,
so I let my words through these pages ride"

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Listening to Quran


I just had a little shopping in Metro, a shoe store here and Masha Allah, they had played Quran in the shop, and SubhanaAllah, it was so beautiful to listen to the Quran, I had such an Iman rush I wanted to cry! You know what shops are like usually, blaring haram music in the speakers! And this shop had the Quran playing, and if I had a little more guts or if I were a guy I would have told the shop people straight out how much I apreciate and respect it.

A funny story

As I was listening to Mohammed Al shareef yesterday, he shared a funny story, a model husband and wife. The wife is very beautiful and she says to her husband "Insha Allah, Alhamdulillah we will enter Jannah because Allah has blessed you with a beautiful wife like me and you have been thankful to him. Allah subhanata'ala said the Shakurah will enter Jannah, insha Allah and he tested me with an ugly man like you and I have been patient, and Insha Allah , Allah said the Sabirah will enter Jannah" and I laughed out loud listening to that! SubhanahAllah! Trust Mohammed Al shareef to be the one to make me laugh!

Masha Allah, he's a great lecturer. But I would still prefer listening to those of Slave of the All-knowing.

Their voice


I heard their voice. They sounded sad. They didn't laugh at all! I couldn't even hear a smile in their voice. They are not making this easy for me. I could hear the sadness in their voice. How I wish I could comfort them! How I wish they weren't sad. It hurts to know that they are sad. But I can only guess, I could never be sure. But I'm positive that they are sad; or could they be? And for what reason? I wish I knew.

I was counting on feeling better after hearing them laugh.

Their voice. There is nothing like hearing their voice. But it is not comforting when they're not happy.

I'm feeling like crying again.

Oh Allah please give us Saboor and fill our hearts with the love for You-Ameen.

Reflection

Dear me! I just read an article on IslamQA about Love! And it said Love is a sickness of the heart and that it was only those whose love for Allah Subhanata'ala is week who fall into the trap of Love!

Humiliation. Could it be? I love Allah. There is no doubt upon it! And my love for Allah is not weak! My heart is not week. And I'm not sick. I just love Slave of the All-knowing and I miss them! That is all there is to it.

"Love is the action of the empty heart"- thats what I read. Well, at least now I have a point to tell my girls when they give me the "Loving someone is not wrong" line.

No, it isn't hypocritical of me. Slave of the All-knowing is my fiancé.

Me

Me. How do I begin to talk about me? And without giving my selves away? Fat chance. But I'll give it a shot. I mean, what's my blog without a post on me?!

Lemme begin in the name of Allah. I am a Muslim, was born on the 26th of Dul hijja-27th of June in the year 1992 on a beautiful saturday evening, into a beautiful Muslim family consisting of my Father, my Mother and two older brothers. Alhamdulillah. Now Masha Allah, our family has grown bigger, my eldest brother has a wife and a baby girl. And I have a fiance-who if you haven't yet figured is my Slave of the All-knowing. (I will still continue to speak about him in gender neutral terms cause I think I like it that way)

My name. I have three beautiful names. my first name is the name of our beloved Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wassallam's daughter's name. My middle name means "Happiness". My third name is a name my Gran gave me, its sounds very Royal, makes me wanna put the cool icon "B)" here, but I will not. And then there's my initials representing my family name. Yep, I know, thats quite a name! But I go by my first and middle names usually.

How much do I fear Allah? Since I was born into a good muslim family-Alhamdulillah, I was raised in an Islamic background, Islamic lifestyle with basic Islamic knowledge. My Mother is my first and best teacher. I believe I first fasted when I was in 1st grade, that's like 5 years. I started wearing Hijab when I was 10 I think and must be around the same time when I started praying. Those days-it was what some people would call as 'Hollow hijab" it was just a shawl worn over my head losely, not a proper hijab. Then slowly my sleeves became longer, my clothes more modest looking and my hair rarely ever peeked out of my hijab. I didn't know to recite Quran for a long time, I would recite those surahs which I had memorised and I would drag and struggle to read the other surahs. But Alhamdulillah, now I can recite just fine. I always watched TV and listened to music, it was around 6th or 7th grade- when I quit both. But soon I gave in. Then I stopped listening to boy-music altogether, thinking it would be a good thing to avoid listening to voice of opposite gender. Then around 10th and +1, I got addicted to music and I loved hollywood movies. I would play music in full volume and sing at the top of my lungs goofing around in my room. It was when I was doing my +2, my grandmother (mom's mother) passed away. Hers was a life of devotion, a life limited to the four walls of her bedroom, all for the sake of Allah. After she passesd away, I started to change, reflection on my gran's life. I was afraid to play music in the house thinking it would upset my mother, but after some time I still did. And continued to do it. Untill one day I built up my Iman and deleted all my music, and I was surprised I didn't feel a thing when I did that! Not an ounce of regret. My eldest brother influenced in many ways and he taught me many things of which I had no knowledge at all. Now occassionaly I would listen to nasheeds, when I feel like music-i just download the lyrics and sing to myselves! So Alhamdulillah, I have quit music and I feel its a major step in getting closer to Allah and it is Insha Allah a sign that Allah subhanata'ala loves me. I would often read up articles online-beautiful inspiring articles and I believe gathering knowledge that way helped me strengthen my piety. And then while I was in Abudhabi last summer with family, I borrowed a book from my aunt( may Allah reward her-Ameen) it was called "You can be the Happiest Woman in the World" masha Allah, it was a great book and an inspiring read, and it changed me so much and prompted me to get more Islamic books and since then with Allah's grace I have been trying to edge closer and closer to Allah subhanata'ala, trying to do more Ibadah. My getting engaged to Slave of the All-knowing and getting to know them only made it easier for me, they influenced me and motivated me and taught me many things without them even being aware of it. Alhamdulillah. I have had negilgible interaction with the opposite gender. I have always respected and loved my parents, but I'm not doing enough, inshALLAH, I will be a better daughter to them. I respect elders. I'm kind, gentle and I value morals and virtues. I love my Deen, my Lord and His Messenger Sallahi Walaihi Wasallam and I want to insha Allah do my best as a slave of Allah subhanata'ala. May Allah help me fulfill my wish-Ameen. So that's how religious I am.


The words people usually describe me with are: sweet, cute, chubby, beautiful, soft, deeni...these are the most common adjectives used anyway.

Telling you my favorite color alone would be a major give away. Because I'm often connected to it. Infact the color and me are used as synonyms. Everybody-almost everybody who knows me (even some who do not know me) are aware of my obsession with this color and even the sight of this color reminds them of me. Recently a friend commented on a picture I had put on facebook, teasing me about this craze that I have for the color and I told them-it defines me. This color simply defines me. The inner me and outer me. Since I don't really care about giving my selves away, I'll give you the word-Pink.

My room was called pink. It was my hideout. My private space. My most favorite place in our beautiful home. I miss pink. The room is being renovated now for Slave of the All-knowing.

I'm the kind of person who would bump into a wall and apologize to it. Sorry and Thankyou, somehow I always ended up saying either of those. Slave of the All-knowing had noticed that and they are probably tired of them!

I'm shy. Alhamdulillah, that is a quality in me that I thank Allah subhanta'ala abundantly for. Because if it wasn't for my shyness, I might be a completely different person. I'm soft in speech.I talk little, comparatively. The people to whom I talk to freely are countable. Thanks to Allah for that too.

I'm silly, sensitive and tend to get paranoid for absolutely no reason-but ofcourse you'd have figured that much already. I cry easily. I cry when I'm sad, sick, angry, scared, tensed sometimes even happy or when overcome by emotion.

I'm a girl who most girls write off as "Paavam" which in my mother tongue means something like nice and kind. My mom sometimes says I'm tough. I could say I am, at times.

I'm comfortable with silence. It rarely ever matters to me when someone won't talk because I'm often preoccupied with my thoughts. All those years I went to school, My Father, brothers or driver would drop me and I would sit in car in silence thinking, saying Dhikr, if there is an exam I would open my book and try to to take in as much as possible. Being on my own never mattered to me as well, I'm not the type who requires company all the time, but that was untill I knew Slave of the All-knowing. I always needed their company.

I'm big on friendship. It was always me who would bring together my friends and organise a hangout or meet-up, it was always me who took the initiative. I love my friends. I'm big on family too. At home I don't spend much time with my family, except mom. But I enjoy family tours and trips and get-togethers.

I'm a good student, Alhamdulillah. But not the nerdish kind. My favorite subject was and is English. In high school, I was crazy about Biology. Higher Secondary-I was more inclined to liking Business Studies.

I love writing. It needn't be poetry or story or anything. Just writing. Whenever I felt sad about something I would rush to get my diary and write it down. It helped me. I feel better somehow after I do that. I do the same when I'm happy too. I used to write to Slave of the All-knowing everyday since it first happened, because I didn't want them to miss out on anything that I had to tell them. I wrote to them-3 whole books. And then I suddenly stopped, thinking I wouldn't need to again ,till I did, then I wrote a bit, but that's when I started the blog and putting my thoughts here was easier than putting them in a book because I have a Blackberry (a gift from Slave of the All-knowing) and its handy.

I'm very girlie. I love everything a girlie girl loves, except that I don't like to fall over guys. Pink. Clothes. Jewellery. Bags. Shoes. Make-over. Shopping. Hearts. Glitters. Poetry and admittedly Romance.

I have a sweet tooth. Love chocolates and sweets! But I eat very little, I don't know why I am fat. *shrug*

I love nature and animals. I have a special likeness for cats. I totally adore them! I always dreamed of having my very own horse.

I love reading. Used to be addicted to reading fictions (the Twilight Saga and Harry Potter being my mostest favorites) Currently reading The Zahir by Paulo Coelho (very boring, I wouldn't recommend it) but maybe it's simply because I have lost my interest for fictions, these days I read only Islamic books and articles.

Well now you have a general picture of me! That's pretty much it, the rest you can figure out as you read.

Love is tender


"Is love a tender thing? it is too rough,
Too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn."
-Romeo (From the play Romeo and Juliette-Shakespeare)

So Shakespeare did have some sense after all. LOL. No offence intended, if you're one of his fans. I do like Shakespeare, I find some of his work to be really good, the rest, I do not understand.

But he is wrong. Love is tender. It is happiness. It is only the absence of it which pricks like a thorn.

I wonder if it's just me. Why am I this way? I wish it wouldn't be this way. I wish I could be myself. I miss being me. The carefree, cheerful girl that I used to be. But it is wrong of me to dump it all on their shoulders-Slave of the All-knowing's. There's a lot more to my being this way.

I had dreaded this. Expected it. Everytime they failed to give me a firm answer on the matter,I knew. What hurt me so bad was something else that they did, and yet I respect it immensely, they did it only out of their fear for Allah. Masha Allah. Only a few minutes ago, I was reading this article "10 ways to win Allah's love" and one of the ways was to do that which Allah loves over that thing which we love. Subhanallah. That is exactly what Slave of the All-knowing is doing right now. And what right have I to be sad about that? No. I'm happy about that. Jannah is surrounded by hardships and Jahannam is surrounded by temptaion. This is hardship for me and them-i believe and this is not falling into temptation. Insha Allah, may Allah subhanata'ala reward Slave of the All-knowing abundantly for making me see that-Ameen.

But love is tender. I am all about love. And I can't help hurting despite wishing I wouldn't.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Inexplicable

They heard me. Me calling their name in that special way that I adress them. They heard my desperate pleads. And this ain't the first time. They have heard me before too, somehow, inexplicably. They said they were pleased with me. Insha Allah, what more do I want to hear from them? It is something that I ask Allah subhanta'ala for in all my duas, at the end of every salah-make them pleased with me Allah. And I pray that they always will be-insha Allah-Ameen. Alhamdulillah.

I hoped they would, but I never belived they would. It was a moment of relief. As if I was lifted from this for a few seconds and then plunged back into it.

I cried. Mother and Father asked me why. I didn't tell them. They can guess. But they do not understand. It is love. And when you love someone, needless to say, you need them, you miss them - as simple as that. The pain of missing someone very badly. The pain of notbeing able to hear from that someone you love. The pain of not being able to give your love to the same someone. How may I explain that to my parents?!

Then there are other worries, other reasons to my sadness and some of the 'wedding blues' as someone wrongly interpreted this yesterday. Maybe I'm being too dramatic. But hey, this is me. This is how I am.

They said "Yours". They were mine. They are mine. Oh how I love them.