Unjust anger- subsided

I feel bad about being angry with them. So irrational of me. I can only imagine how hard it must be for them. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe they have it harder than me, because after all, I'm home and with family, Alhamdulillah, but they are far away from home and alone except for friends. I have distraction and they don't. But they have studies, studies and exams which require full attention and a lot of time; I on the other hand have nothing of the sort. But that's so lame of me to say. I should be studying arabic. I should be reading my islamic books. I should be reading the Quran translation. I should be making a huge effort in increasing my Ibadah. I should be making my parents happy. I should be spending time with my sweet mother. I should be cheering the people around me spreading Deen in what little way I can. I should be learning cooking. Yup. That's pretty much my list of things to do before marriage. And that's excluding beautifying myself inside and out and so on and so forth. Insha Allah.

So, I apologize Slave of the All-knowing for my unjust anger. In my head, I even yelled at you; but you can imagine how my yell would sound. I'm sorry.

Another 32 days

Another 32 days

She numbers her days
Too long! She thinks;
Too short in some ways.

May all the patience be rewarded she prays.
The longing obvious on her pretty face,
In the words of her Lord, comfort she takes;
Hardship now she embrace
And the ease that will follow she awaits.

Happily she thinks, "If it were otherwise,
it would only cause digrace
This is better, if a little hard
And it will pay by the will of my Lord."

But she shudders when she thinks
Even though all these words she says
"Another 32 days".

It's the need again

If I could beg for their company, I would. If I could cry out their name and beg to them, and if that woudlnt be a very wrong thing to do, I would be doing that now, I would be doing that everyday; because I crave it that much, because I need them that much.

It's the need again. But Alhamdulillah, the difference is prominent, I'm whole, not broken or shattered, perhaps a little empty without their love.

I do say their name, in my head. But this time, I don't wait hoping they would hear. There is no waiting at all. No anticipation of red flash or vibration or any sound indicating a new message from them.

Maybe this little decision we made together, even though it eas more of their decision than mine, or maybe it was completely their decision, but still I feel they gave me some part in it. So, could this be putting an emphasis in the significance of the principle of Shura? It certainly makes a lot of difference from the two times the decision was taken all by themselves. Or maybe it is different because this was an oath to Allah, and hence so much more important and firm or still maybe I find this easy because it's just 32 days from today. Insha Allah. Makes me think that they are a bit clever, that they thought of taking the firmest decision only when there was just 32 days of this to get through.

I love them. But sometimes that unfair irrational anger resurfaces, and I desperately try to reason with them in my head, arguing. None of that would happen in reality though. Insha Allah..

Unfair

I'm getting more and more annoyed at them as hours pass by and I don't know why! I wish I didn't! This has got to change. This feeling has got to pass. Maybe if I could just hear them say my name in their beautiful voice...I gotta wait till then.

But when something they said pops into my mind, it makes me smile my widest. And then my love for them is all in my head.

But when I remember something else they said, like that answer they gave me which I found so lame or like 'I need you to obey me'. Then I'm annoyed and it fills my eyes with angry tears.

But this is all so unfair of me. I couldn't bear to stay angry at them. I can't. Because I love them so. Because I know they need my love and I yearn to give all of mine to them.

And I miss them. I miss their love. 33 days of this? Allah help me. Ameen.

Come to think of it

When they said they couldn't say no to me, it should have actually made me happy but it only made me sad and guilty. This person who says no to music, who says no to TV, who abstains from pretty much all kinds of sins couldn't abstain from the sin of speaking with me. How hurting a fact! But it is not a fact. They are well capable of saying no to me. But do you know what that makes me feel like? Like I'm that Fitnah which they can't keep away from, that makes me the highest or the baddest of all these Fitnahs!! How bad is that?! Being a woman, I'm like the influencer, they are the influencee, it's on me. I initiate the sin. Fitnathun-nissa. That's me.

So come to think of it, what they said today is right. It's my fault.

It angered me a bit though, when they put it like that; I shouldn't have spoken to them that way, wasn't nice of me, maybe they were angered by it too? Asthafirullah. I wish I could ask them forgiveness.

Angry at them, or not?

Okay, now I'm like really angry at them. So much for being nice; I keep thinking. I'm not being very rational. Love does that to me. I hope this will pass.

Maybe this anger has also a bit to do with them not asking of me not even once on phone with my parents; as they usually do. Hearing my name in their voice does wonders to the way I feel.

Or maybe this is all so wrong. Maybe they are just sad, like I am. Maybe they are sad that they can't connect with me for 33 days as well? Maybe that's why they founf it hard to ask of me? Maybe.

Well then maybe, I'm not angry at them. In fact, I feel concerned. And I long to cheer them.

Oh! There were so many things unsaid! So many questions unasked! There's so much love to give. 33 days of withholding it all and then I pray that it will be beautiful as they said after all this Sabr, insha Allah. May Allah make it so,Ameen.

Conclusion: I'm not angry at them.

Ouch

"I need you to obey me". Ouch.

Okay maybe I'm letting Satan get to me. I can hear him whispering all sorts of things that gets me angry at Slave of the All-knowing. But no worries, I'm incapable of showing it, which angers me further. Auzu billahi mina shaitani rajeem.

Maybe I am a little angry at them; with good reason. Annoyed would be the word.

Asthafirullah.

"He hears duas, doesn't he?" They had asked a very long time ago. Yes He does. He hears everything. Allah, He hears duas. Did they know that I had made dua to Allah even last night, in fact, it was a longer dua than usual, to forgive me and them, to help us not to repeat our mistakes and to not let Shaitan come between us, to keep Shaitan away from us. I prayed to Allah, to give us both the strength to do what is right. And SubhanAllah, Allahuakbar, He did. Allah heard me. The As-Sami. So how can they tell me that they need me to obey them. When I was ever willing to do that, even if it wasn't easy, sometimes even uncomfortable. Even when I prayed in favor of that. The best thing is Alhamdulillah, I never had to put any effort in obeying them, it came off naturally, there was no choice but to obey them.

Now that statement mentioned at the start or rather the repetition of it in my head, can make me a little angry.