Stab

It is nothing short of a stab right through your heart when someone you love says something hurtful about you Parents. Be it even a word. Or maybe even the tone of what is said. Ouch. Still hurts.

My umma. Nobody could ever fully comprehend the relationship I have with her or with my dearest Uppa. Hurts me even more that I'm so far away from them. What if I am to never see them again? I will keep hurting till I can see my umma, smile at her and kiss her holding her tight.

Allah grant for my parents your Jannah and grant them long happy lives. Ameen.

I AM FAT

Yes I'm fat. But I wish some people would refrain from reminding me every single day of my life. I have a mirror. I see myselves everyday. It's not like I'm unaware of it nor do I like it. So why keep stabbing me with painful reminders when I'm already hurting?

Being fat is so difficult. Especially when you're the kind who doesn't eat too much but still are fat and you can't really help it. It makes you miss out on some of the most beautiful things in your life; like being asked to eat by your husband and being asked to take care of your health. It also makes you feel ugly no matter how you dress up.

I am fat. But I am not a food-attacking idleness-loving monster. I work. I eat little. It's not really my fault that I don't lose weight.

Just relieving a very disturbed mind.

Some observations

I've neglected you yet again blog. If you were a book that I wrote in you would be so very dusty right now, good thing you aren't.

So much has happened since last post. Not happened like ' a war broke out in my country' but happened like 'I flew to Malaysia with my baby' accompanied by my husband, mother-in-law and sister-in-law.

Sooo good to be back here with my husband, alhamdulillah. I had missed this place so much. I missed my simple life here. I missed the fun I had with my husband. But things are not like before now.

Khadeeja. She's so beautiful masha Allah. There is nothing like her smile. There is nothing like kissing her and making her laugh. I love her so. Alhamdulillah for her. I feel so motherly. It hurts me so much when she cries. Even more when she's crying and I can't comfort her because somebody else is carrying her. Makes me so frustrated to stand there without doing anything and watch her cry.

Some other things remain as same as ever. Was foolish of me to expect any changes there.

And here I am apreciating the way I was raised again. I'm in awe for my parents and the way they raised me. Alhamdulillah, masha Allah. May Allah grant them Jannah.

I respect my father so much. And my umma, for making me who I am right now, alhamdulillah. My umma, she is all about love and warmth. Everywhere around me are people so different. Their lifestyles are different. Their relationships are different. Their idea of love is different. To me, mine is the most meaningful.

If we love Allah Subhanata'ala, we obey him, if we love Rasulullah sallahi walaihi wasallam we follow his sunnah. And if we love the people, we show it, express it.

Some people are forever the same. They abide by their systems and lives the same old lives. Change is a necessity. A good muslim always strives to be better. People has got to change. They need to live their role in life, when their role changes they have to change too. Its not so hard. With good intentions and with the firm thought of 'For Allah' anybody could change. Wives don't have to be nagging simply because the typical wife is supposed to, fathers don't have to be ignorant concerning his child and men don't have to be unconcerned about every little work done in his house. I agree that women are to be indoors mostly and men are ofcourse more outdoorsy, that's the way we were created ofcourse. But I do not agree that kitchen is a no place for a man or that cleaning is not his thing. Is it pride that makes some men that way? Is it shameful to offer a hand with the dishes? I don't think so. Rather it is noble. Noble like the Prophet sallahi walahi wasallam.

I pity those men out there who knows pretty close to nothing about a house wife and the responsibilities she undertakes in her everyday life. Life could be so much more different, meaningful and fulfilling if they had the heart to help around just a tad bit. Doing stuff together can be so much fun, rewarding, be it even taking out the trash. It brings you closer, makes you happier. It makes you kind, gentle and merciful. And you know what Allah does when He loves a household? He spreads kindness among them. So when you show kindness to the memebers of your home, it just means Allah loves your household! How beautiful. If only people could grasp that.

But ah to me; life is good Alhamdulillah. I could make it better by changing my selves which I really really have to; but I get tired of changing people especially when they are so unwilling. So I'll live insha Allah. All the hardships I ever went through has alhamdulillah only benefitted me. Made me stronger and more independent and dignified. So I embrace this hardship. And I wait for ease. Because certainly says Allah subahanata'ala "With hardship comes ease". And I put my trust in Allah.

When traditions become Sunnah

Crazy. How some traditions can be so commonly adhered to that they become more important than the sunnah, almost like, say, if somebody were to shun a sunnah, no one cares, but if someone were to shun this tradition, it's Not the same.

Ya Hayyu Ya Qayyum bi rahmatika asthaees

Here's all about how Khadeeja came into this world. All Praises be to Allah. It's a long story.

I used to make dua to Allah Subhanata'ala to make easy for me my delivery while I was pregnant. I made dua to let me deliver when my mom and husband were near to me. I made dua to help me remember to call upon Allah when I have pain. Alhamdulillah. Indeed he is Al-Mujeeb, As'sami'.

I was incredibly happy from the morning of 9th september because my husband was coming and I was gonna see him after a week of waiting. I cleaned up the room for him, asked Umma to make special lunch for him and I dressed up for him, waiting at the door when I heard his honk with my widest smile. Alhamdulillah we had a beautiful day. And the night was the best we'd had in some time.

That night, I woke up at around 1:30 a.m. I answered the call of the nature and I felt my water break. It was more than a trickle but not a gush. I was sure it wasn't urine. I knew water break meant delivery was close, cause the baby is at risk without the amniotic fluid to protect her. I smiled and said 'I'm going to deliver today insha Allah'. I showered. Every few seconds the fluid would leak. And I did a quickie read on google on water breaks and what it meant and I had my confirmation. So I called my Umma before waking my husband; cause he was sleeping so peacefully and he had come after about 8 hours of car drive. Umma told me we'll wait a bit, so I waited, lying near him. My mind was buzzing with so many thoughts. I was so happy. Here was an end to my waiting, to everybody's waiting, our baby was on the way. And what more my husband was to leave to Malaysia in a few hours! He wasn't gonna go! He was gonna be there with me when I deliver. I repeated the names of Allah several times, over and over. Then Umma called and asked me to get ready and pack stuff for the Hospital. After I did most of the packing I told my husband that I have to go hospital, I asked if he wants to come then or later. He said he will come right then cause he is going to Malaysia later. He was in such sleep deep that it didn't occur to him that it meant that I was going to deliver that day! I explained to him some more. He didn't seem to understand. Then I changed and I called him again, he said he will come later. So I kissed him a few times and went downstairs. I had had a sort of pain from that evening, I thought it was cause of something else. A period like cramp. After my shower it kept increasing. It was a slight pain in my back that would come to my front, circle and go away and come back in a some time. I had no idea that it was the start of labor.

We reached the hospital at 4 a.m. I was taken to the labor room. Had a vaginal examination, which I hated. Some injections and a tablet to pass motion. They waited some time before they induced me cause my water was continuously leaking. I was in pain for some time. It was bearable. It was less painfull than I had imagined. I think I was in active labor from about 9 in the morning till 1:30 noon. This was a bit hard to go through. I repeated the words "Ya Hayyu Ya Qayyum bi rahmatika astaghees" for as long as I could. I kept calling on Allah. I dunno how I could ever thank Allah enough for letting me have my Umma and my husband by my side. Alahdmulillah. Allah Subhanata'ala and they were my strength. Active labor. So this was labor. I had several vaginal examinations during the time. I kept falling asleep, I would wake up at each contraction. At some point I think I stopped breathing, I got to know that only later from umma. When I woke up I found that I had an oxygen mask on me. And they monitored my baby's heartbeats. Doc noticed that there was a dip at each contraction. She waited some more time at my mom's request before deciding that I had to have a c-section. There was 0 dilation and no possibility for my baby to come out. This was the moment when I completely put my trust in Allah. When I handed my selves to Him. I had lost all my courage. I was scared, terrified. I was crying. I had no idea of what they were going to do to me. All I knew about c-section was that it wasn't normal and it was taking baby out by cutting you up. I had never read on c-section. It never even occurred to me. I learned all I could about vaginal birth. It never crossed my mind that c-section could be a possibility. It was almost as if I was sure that I was gonna have a normal birth. But Allah had willed otherwise. I was then taken to the theatre. I told my mom and my husband that I was scared; they assured me. At the theatre, I told the nurse standing next to me the same, I asked her to not let me see what they did. I was given anesthesia and then they did the surgery on me. The feeling after anaesthesia took effect on me was incredible; the labor pain, all of it, suddenly vanished. I could not see, Alhamdulillah, they had put a curtain in front of me. I wasn't completely unconscious. I could sense some things. I could hear some. I was kind of in a drowsy state, half asleep. I could feel when they started pushing down on my chest, they were pushing hard and then I think my baby was taken out. I heard a tiny cry and then nothing else mattered. I smiled. I remember asking a nurse if it's a boy or girl. Of course I half knew that I was carrying a girl but one could never be certain. They said it was a girl. Only then did they bring her to me. I don't remember seeing her at the theatre. It wasn't until several hours that I got to see my daughter. It wasn't until 3 days that I got to hold her in my arms.

I was in the ICU until the next morning. I was asleep most of the time. I was so happy to see my husband when he came, his love for her was all over his face, masha Allah, he was smiling, said he saw our baby and named her Khadeeja, a name I had suggested months back in Malaysia.

That night at ICU made me think of my grandmother, whose legs were paralyzed and my Uppa's aunt who has been bedded for over 30 years. My legs were numb for a long while, because of the effect of anesthesia and it hurt if I tried to turn or move at all. The hardest thing was my thirst. They wouldn't even give me a glass of water, saying it would make me vomit, again because of anesthesia. I had nothing to eat or drink for nearly over 18 hours. The coffee and biscuits I had the next the day were Alhamdulillah the best of my life.

The pain was bad for the following two-three days. Throbbing. And I was kind of silly. How I had to have an unplanned c-section was kind of a shock for me. I worried about so many things; will I be able to have many babies? what about my health in next pregnancy? What if I get pregnant to soon? I felt inferior. Why wasnt i capable of normal birth? And so on and so forth. And then my head was too crammed and eyes too sunken that I just had to leave it all to Allah. Tawakalthu walallahi. May it all be as Allah wills. It also hurt me a bit when most people around me seemed oblivious to my pain. Of course, I would hate exaggeration but it hurts when people belittle what I went through. But I know that Allah knows how it was for me and insha Allah He will reward me. I remembered particularly the visitors who asked of my health before they went to see my daughter. It suprised me when many didn't even think of asking me; even out of politeness, how I am. Silly. I also had many other disturbing thoughts; like, why do women have to go through such pain and none for men? It seemed a bit unfair. Are women that big sinners? Or are we being favored by Allah with this pain? Asthafirullah. Like I said, I was in a state of shock and I was kind of silly. Only 19, remember? Imagination didn't prepare me for the actual experience. It just had to be experienced to know it. And even after the experience, you forget it. After that, Alhamdulillah I got better. Now Alhamdulillah I'm even better, almost back to normal except for my flabby belly. But I can't know of my internal stitches, they take more time to heal.

It's like Prophet Ayyub Alayhisalam said; he asked his wife, ' Tell me how long did I enjoy good health and riches?' She answered '80 years'. 'And how long am I suffering like this?' She said '7 years'. Prophet Ayyub then told her, "In that case I am ashamed to call on my Lord ro remove the hardship, for I have not suffered longer than the years of good health and plenty"

So it was a bit hard for what, 3 days? 4 days? And do I dare complain? When Alhamdulillah, all my life I've had ease. When I have a daughter and there are so many who wishes they did. Alhamdulillah.

Now I'm home. Learning new things about my daughter everyday. Learning to take care of her. Bonding with my Khadeeja.

So that's my birth story.

Alhamdulillah that Allah made things easy for me. Alhamdulillah for my daughter. Alhamdulillah for my Umma. And Alhamdulillah for my husband, his love and support. I could never thank him enough.

Catching Up

Ah. I haven't blogged for even longer still. The last post seem to have been made ages ago.

Hopefully, reading this post will help the reader catch up with all that's been going on.

June was mostly about my brother's wedding and missing my husband terribly. July was okay, I got to be with my husband on most of it's days, the rest were spent missing him badly. Then came Ramadan-August. I could achieve two things, only two things this Ramadan or two goals that I could, Alhamdulillah, fulfill. May Allah accept it from me insha Allah. It was the fastest Ramadan yet. I spent most of the day hours in sleep and idleness. At night I tried to be a little less unproductive. And again there were days and nights that I missed my husband like crazy. One night I cried to Allah, in my sujood, "Let me be with him, Allah!" I cried and subhana Allah he was with me the next day. And there were a few treasured days when I could be with him, when I didn't have to cry my selves to sleep. Eid too passed by quickly. Thought it would be my gloomiest one when my husband said that he couldn't come to see me. But Alhamdulillah he could. Allah Shubhanata'la heard me and again I wept out of His Compassion for me. My first Eid with him.
And now it's September. The month of my due date. Here I am anxiously awaiting my baby, insha Allah. Not an hour passes by without me thinking "My water could break right now" or "I might deliver today". And not a minute passes by in which I don't sigh wishing my husband were here, wishing I could be with him. It's 12 days from today untill my due date, insha Allah, but I might have to wait longer still, only Allah knows, I just hope my husband and my Umma will be by side at the time. Insha Allah.

I thought that when I got married that missing my mom was the hardest thing but now, missing my husband is. I have changed. Here I am in the comforts of my home. My sweet mom. Dad. Brothers, Sister-in-law. Great food. Awesome room. No responsibilities at all. And a Lot of care. I am happy, most times. But I do not feel whole. My mind is not at ease. Because I keep yearning for my husband's company, for his love. I long to lie on his chest and kiss him. Sometimes it's just SO hard. I cry like Real bad. I can't control it. And sometimes it's okay, I can be patient like he asked me to be.

But you know, I shouldn't be so gloomy. Why can't I make the most of my time with my family? I doubt if I'll get to be with all of them for so long after I go to my husband after delivery. I'll miss them so much then, especially my mother. So I should be happy now, having fun with them. But I can't seem to. It's always about the other side being greener for humans.

I love him so much. Maybe this distance have done us some good. Surely my love for him is so much greater and deeper now. Alhamdulillah.

Now that the baby occupies most of my belly, she can't move around as much as before. I used to enjoy the wild movements that the baby made inside of me. It made me happy. But now all I get is little nudges. I miss the kicks. Doc said the intensity of foetal movements does reduce towards the end. My husband and I think that our baby is a little naughty, not coming and having us all wait with bated breath when she's fully grown. Lol.

How long untill I can have some time with my husband? How long untill my baby arrives?

Insha Allah. I ache for both.

So that's pretty much all about my unblogging months.

Emptying a very idle head

I haven't posted anything in so long. If my blog had readers, I'd like to think they missed me. Fortunately, my blog don't have any readers.

It's raining in here. I was sitting in the balcony and watching the view when I remembered a moment in my 9th standard, I was in the front row and I was looking outside the window while my teacher was taking attendance and she told me off for being distracted but she also said it was okay if I was cooking up a poem. I remembered this and I smiled. And i wept. I miss it. School. Class. Teachers. The learning environment. And where was this poetry? Where is the poetess in me? Where is the reader in me? Where is the thinker in me? I feel so ignorant. I haven't done anything productive for like ages. I was smart. Teachers saw me as a smart student. The girls saw me as a cool nerd. I was one, sort of. I miss learning. I miss setting my brain to work. This idleness, ignorance, it's not me and it's not the bliss that I always thought it would be. There's no one to blame but my selves.

Now that I'm here, I miss home. Nearing the 6th month of pregnancy, I'm often tackled by hunger pangs, and that's when I miss mom's food the most.

But this is my home too. I love the simplicity of life in here. And I am at ease when I'm here. When I'm away from my husband, it is the hardest thing.

My baby. She hasn't kicked in a while. She. He. Can't be sure. Doc said might be Girl. I was wrong about the motherly instincts. I had imagined a baby boy inside of me. I would love a baby girl all the same. A few days back I was lying on our couch and thinking, imagining...Baby boy, I sent him to school, I played with him, I taught him, I gave him advices on treating his wife and he even got married, and I smiled to my selves thinking how far my imagination had run when I didn't even know if it was a boy or girl in there! Insha Allah, can't wait.

Hmm. When will I study again? Like for real. Not the lame online classes, I could do them anytime I want, only the procrastinator in me won't let me. I never valued education. To me the whole schooling thing was a waste of time, back then I'd much rather be home with family and do my own stuff. I hated the tension I had before exams. I always wanted to get them over with ASAP.

Not that I dislike being a house wife, I consider it the most honorable thing. But as it turns out, it also matters to me what other people think, even though it shouldn't really.

Maybe it's my fault that I never really had a purpose for my selves. What did I wanna be? I always thought of becoming a teacher. But i knew it would never work out. I never thought of poetry as my career or writing. I wanted to study Islam. But I was not determined or focused enough to have accomplished that. I knew I'd get married soon after school, and I just waited for that. But I should have had a plan for me. Education is important. Gaining knowledge is important.

Also, it turns out your decent character and moral values will not earn you ALL the respect, at least not the respect Education and a driving license can, not that I care.

Just emptying a very idle head. ALLAH forbid it to be the devil's workshop. Ameen.

My home

I miss my home so bad. I miss the home where I live with my husband. Our simple home where we live our simple lives. Our little world. Who knew I would ever miss that home more than my real home?

I miss spending time with ny husband. Just the two of us. I miss talking to him, kissing him randomly. I miss making coffee quite early in the morning for him. I miss listening to him reciting Quran. I miss my kitchen. I miss our balcony. I miss our bedroom. I miss it all.

I realize that it is my home now.

Needing them

I couldn't have my fiance. I completely accepted that, endured it. I can't have enough of my husband? How am I to endure that? Can't do.

I wanna show him my love. Have his given to me. It makes me wanna cry. I can't hold it in!

Maybe its all this hormonal changes?

It's even more frustrating to see that he doesn't seem the least bit bothered by it.

Hmph.

Home

Wanna go home.

But there is also love

Days pass. Things happen, but days continue to pass. Some are blurred, some are vivid.

There's a lot to say. The one on top of my mind right now is this: I am pregnant.

Alhamdulillah.

As for the other things; like I said. Marriage is marriage. Life is life. Neither is easy. I can say my life as my mother's and father's daughter was easier. Easy, responsibility-free life. I miss my home. I miss every nook and corner of it. I miss the freedom I had there. I miss my family. But things have changed now, and I have to accept Allah's decree. I am a wife, housewife, mother-to-be; insha Allah. When everything is perfect, there is no meaning to life. So I embrace this little hardship. Because I know ease will come. Insha Allah. Because I put my trust in Allah.

Maybe, hardship and ease will keep coming untill eternal ease-Paradise is here. Insha Allah. And I live happily, hoping for the final reward, hoping for Allah's reward, for Allah's mercy on me.

So everytime I'm hurt. I am rewarded. Everytime I be patient; I am rewarded. Insha Allah. Allah hears me. He hears every thought that runs through my head. Allah knows what's in my heart. And who can make things easy better than Allah? Who can solve problems better than Allah? No one. And so I turn to Him.

But it's not all hardships and no happiness; there is love, there is happiness. There is peace and tranquility.

As for the tiny pain, insha Allah, it will go away. I will strive for it. Insha Allah.

I put my trust in you, Allah.

Patience pays off

Patience pays off. I craved for understanding and I got exactly that. Alhamdulillah. May it be so always. Insha Allah.

And I wept out of my love for Allah, out of his compassion for me.

Allahu Akbar.

Understanding

Again, I crave for a little bit of understanding.