I feel bad about being angry with them. So irrational of me. I can only imagine how hard it must be for them. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe they have it harder than me, because after all, I'm home and with family, Alhamdulillah, but they are far away from home and alone except for friends. I have distraction and they don't. But they have studies, studies and exams which require full attention and a lot of time; I on the other hand have nothing of the sort. But that's so lame of me to say. I should be studying arabic. I should be reading my islamic books. I should be reading the Quran translation. I should be making a huge effort in increasing my Ibadah. I should be making my parents happy. I should be spending time with my sweet mother. I should be cheering the people around me spreading Deen in what little way I can. I should be learning cooking. Yup. That's pretty much my list of things to do before marriage. And that's excluding beautifying myself inside and out and so on and so forth. Insha Allah.
So, I apologize Slave of the All-knowing for my unjust anger. In my head, I even yelled at you; but you can imagine how my yell would sound. I'm sorry.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Another 32 days
Another 32 days
She numbers her days
Too long! She thinks;
Too short in some ways.
May all the patience be rewarded she prays.
The longing obvious on her pretty face,
In the words of her Lord, comfort she takes;
Hardship now she embrace
And the ease that will follow she awaits.
Happily she thinks, "If it were otherwise,
it would only cause digrace
This is better, if a little hard
And it will pay by the will of my Lord."
But she shudders when she thinks
Even though all these words she says
"Another 32 days".
She numbers her days
Too long! She thinks;
Too short in some ways.
May all the patience be rewarded she prays.
The longing obvious on her pretty face,
In the words of her Lord, comfort she takes;
Hardship now she embrace
And the ease that will follow she awaits.
Happily she thinks, "If it were otherwise,
it would only cause digrace
This is better, if a little hard
And it will pay by the will of my Lord."
But she shudders when she thinks
Even though all these words she says
"Another 32 days".
It's the need again
If I could beg for their company, I would. If I could cry out their name and beg to them, and if that woudlnt be a very wrong thing to do, I would be doing that now, I would be doing that everyday; because I crave it that much, because I need them that much.
It's the need again. But Alhamdulillah, the difference is prominent, I'm whole, not broken or shattered, perhaps a little empty without their love.
I do say their name, in my head. But this time, I don't wait hoping they would hear. There is no waiting at all. No anticipation of red flash or vibration or any sound indicating a new message from them.
Maybe this little decision we made together, even though it eas more of their decision than mine, or maybe it was completely their decision, but still I feel they gave me some part in it. So, could this be putting an emphasis in the significance of the principle of Shura? It certainly makes a lot of difference from the two times the decision was taken all by themselves. Or maybe it is different because this was an oath to Allah, and hence so much more important and firm or still maybe I find this easy because it's just 32 days from today. Insha Allah. Makes me think that they are a bit clever, that they thought of taking the firmest decision only when there was just 32 days of this to get through.
I love them. But sometimes that unfair irrational anger resurfaces, and I desperately try to reason with them in my head, arguing. None of that would happen in reality though. Insha Allah..
It's the need again. But Alhamdulillah, the difference is prominent, I'm whole, not broken or shattered, perhaps a little empty without their love.
I do say their name, in my head. But this time, I don't wait hoping they would hear. There is no waiting at all. No anticipation of red flash or vibration or any sound indicating a new message from them.
Maybe this little decision we made together, even though it eas more of their decision than mine, or maybe it was completely their decision, but still I feel they gave me some part in it. So, could this be putting an emphasis in the significance of the principle of Shura? It certainly makes a lot of difference from the two times the decision was taken all by themselves. Or maybe it is different because this was an oath to Allah, and hence so much more important and firm or still maybe I find this easy because it's just 32 days from today. Insha Allah. Makes me think that they are a bit clever, that they thought of taking the firmest decision only when there was just 32 days of this to get through.
I love them. But sometimes that unfair irrational anger resurfaces, and I desperately try to reason with them in my head, arguing. None of that would happen in reality though. Insha Allah..
Friday, October 29, 2010
Unfair
I'm getting more and more annoyed at them as hours pass by and I don't know why! I wish I didn't! This has got to change. This feeling has got to pass. Maybe if I could just hear them say my name in their beautiful voice...I gotta wait till then.
But when something they said pops into my mind, it makes me smile my widest. And then my love for them is all in my head.
But when I remember something else they said, like that answer they gave me which I found so lame or like 'I need you to obey me'. Then I'm annoyed and it fills my eyes with angry tears.
But this is all so unfair of me. I couldn't bear to stay angry at them. I can't. Because I love them so. Because I know they need my love and I yearn to give all of mine to them.
And I miss them. I miss their love. 33 days of this? Allah help me. Ameen.
But when something they said pops into my mind, it makes me smile my widest. And then my love for them is all in my head.
But when I remember something else they said, like that answer they gave me which I found so lame or like 'I need you to obey me'. Then I'm annoyed and it fills my eyes with angry tears.
But this is all so unfair of me. I couldn't bear to stay angry at them. I can't. Because I love them so. Because I know they need my love and I yearn to give all of mine to them.
And I miss them. I miss their love. 33 days of this? Allah help me. Ameen.
Come to think of it
When they said they couldn't say no to me, it should have actually made me happy but it only made me sad and guilty. This person who says no to music, who says no to TV, who abstains from pretty much all kinds of sins couldn't abstain from the sin of speaking with me. How hurting a fact! But it is not a fact. They are well capable of saying no to me. But do you know what that makes me feel like? Like I'm that Fitnah which they can't keep away from, that makes me the highest or the baddest of all these Fitnahs!! How bad is that?! Being a woman, I'm like the influencer, they are the influencee, it's on me. I initiate the sin. Fitnathun-nissa. That's me.
So come to think of it, what they said today is right. It's my fault.
It angered me a bit though, when they put it like that; I shouldn't have spoken to them that way, wasn't nice of me, maybe they were angered by it too? Asthafirullah. I wish I could ask them forgiveness.
So come to think of it, what they said today is right. It's my fault.
It angered me a bit though, when they put it like that; I shouldn't have spoken to them that way, wasn't nice of me, maybe they were angered by it too? Asthafirullah. I wish I could ask them forgiveness.
Angry at them, or not?
Okay, now I'm like really angry at them. So much for being nice; I keep thinking. I'm not being very rational. Love does that to me. I hope this will pass.
Maybe this anger has also a bit to do with them not asking of me not even once on phone with my parents; as they usually do. Hearing my name in their voice does wonders to the way I feel.
Or maybe this is all so wrong. Maybe they are just sad, like I am. Maybe they are sad that they can't connect with me for 33 days as well? Maybe that's why they founf it hard to ask of me? Maybe.
Well then maybe, I'm not angry at them. In fact, I feel concerned. And I long to cheer them.
Oh! There were so many things unsaid! So many questions unasked! There's so much love to give. 33 days of withholding it all and then I pray that it will be beautiful as they said after all this Sabr, insha Allah. May Allah make it so,Ameen.
Conclusion: I'm not angry at them.
Maybe this anger has also a bit to do with them not asking of me not even once on phone with my parents; as they usually do. Hearing my name in their voice does wonders to the way I feel.
Or maybe this is all so wrong. Maybe they are just sad, like I am. Maybe they are sad that they can't connect with me for 33 days as well? Maybe that's why they founf it hard to ask of me? Maybe.
Well then maybe, I'm not angry at them. In fact, I feel concerned. And I long to cheer them.
Oh! There were so many things unsaid! So many questions unasked! There's so much love to give. 33 days of withholding it all and then I pray that it will be beautiful as they said after all this Sabr, insha Allah. May Allah make it so,Ameen.
Conclusion: I'm not angry at them.
Ouch
"I need you to obey me". Ouch.
Okay maybe I'm letting Satan get to me. I can hear him whispering all sorts of things that gets me angry at Slave of the All-knowing. But no worries, I'm incapable of showing it, which angers me further. Auzu billahi mina shaitani rajeem.
Maybe I am a little angry at them; with good reason. Annoyed would be the word.
Asthafirullah.
"He hears duas, doesn't he?" They had asked a very long time ago. Yes He does. He hears everything. Allah, He hears duas. Did they know that I had made dua to Allah even last night, in fact, it was a longer dua than usual, to forgive me and them, to help us not to repeat our mistakes and to not let Shaitan come between us, to keep Shaitan away from us. I prayed to Allah, to give us both the strength to do what is right. And SubhanAllah, Allahuakbar, He did. Allah heard me. The As-Sami. So how can they tell me that they need me to obey them. When I was ever willing to do that, even if it wasn't easy, sometimes even uncomfortable. Even when I prayed in favor of that. The best thing is Alhamdulillah, I never had to put any effort in obeying them, it came off naturally, there was no choice but to obey them.
Now that statement mentioned at the start or rather the repetition of it in my head, can make me a little angry.
Okay maybe I'm letting Satan get to me. I can hear him whispering all sorts of things that gets me angry at Slave of the All-knowing. But no worries, I'm incapable of showing it, which angers me further. Auzu billahi mina shaitani rajeem.
Maybe I am a little angry at them; with good reason. Annoyed would be the word.
Asthafirullah.
"He hears duas, doesn't he?" They had asked a very long time ago. Yes He does. He hears everything. Allah, He hears duas. Did they know that I had made dua to Allah even last night, in fact, it was a longer dua than usual, to forgive me and them, to help us not to repeat our mistakes and to not let Shaitan come between us, to keep Shaitan away from us. I prayed to Allah, to give us both the strength to do what is right. And SubhanAllah, Allahuakbar, He did. Allah heard me. The As-Sami. So how can they tell me that they need me to obey them. When I was ever willing to do that, even if it wasn't easy, sometimes even uncomfortable. Even when I prayed in favor of that. The best thing is Alhamdulillah, I never had to put any effort in obeying them, it came off naturally, there was no choice but to obey them.
Now that statement mentioned at the start or rather the repetition of it in my head, can make me a little angry.
Deliberate Oaths
It is such an interesting coincidence that I should learn about deliberate oaths yesterday when I didn't even dream I would be making one today, my first. No, second. I learned that there is expiation for breaking these deliberate oaths taken in the name of Allah. You have to feed or clothe 10 poor persons or free a slave and if one can't afford that, fast for 3 days. Insha Allah, this information could come in handy. In fact it is useful to me because I broke my previous oath, taken a long time ago, when I was no more than 12. I know them to have not such a firm mind. But I also know that this is firm and solid and strong; unlike the times before. So maybe they won't need do this expiation. And as long as they don't, I won't too.
I cried
I cried. Didn't think I would. Maybe I shouldn't be running their words in my head so much. It's a bad idea. It makes me miss them a whole lot more. And hence makes me cry.
It's hard for me too; they said. But it's harder for me. I'm the one with the psychological need for love.
It's hard for me too; they said. But it's harder for me. I'm the one with the psychological need for love.
I need you to obey me
One thing they said hurt me though. "I need you to obey me." When have I not? They said so themselves, they had appreciated it. Even when it was hard, I have only obeyed them. And I try not ask anything of them, and if I do, I regret it the next instant and it makes me feel so bad. I don't like asking for things. From them or anybody else. From them especially. How could they think that I could do otherwise? Or I would do otherwise? They know me better than that.
It's also a bit hurting to think that they couldn't give me the few things that I did ask for.
Told you the sadness had to catch upon me. I feel like crying.
But I love them, and they love me. And so none of this matters.
It's also a bit hurting to think that they couldn't give me the few things that I did ask for.
Told you the sadness had to catch upon me. I feel like crying.
But I love them, and they love me. And so none of this matters.
Alhamdulillah
Alhamdulillah. We did it. Thankyou Allah for giving me the strength! This doesn't hurt. It suprises me. The difference of it being a mutual decision this time? Or that it wasn't sudden and didn't come as a shock? Or maybe the sadness will catch up on me. Maybe I'm in a daze now. Anyway, there are no regrets yet. It is not like I could regret. It was more of their decision than mine. I was merely agreeing, complying, obeying. But it's nice to know we were thinking along the same lines and we were both feeling ashamed and guilty. May Allah Subhanta'la accept our repentance. Ameen.
"I Leave something haraam in the hope that Allah will replace it with something better"
Insha Allah, may it be so. Ameen. They have such a beautiful soul. Allah forbid me from ever having tainted it! Ameen.
I love them even more now.
But this does hurt me. A lot. The thought that I won't hear from them for 33 days. 33 days from today. Do you believe it? How soon days pass by! Wallahi, it's unbelievable. It doesn't seem so long now. Just a little over a month. Will I get through them fine? Insha Allah. Allah be with me. Ameen.
The blackberry was special to me in so many ways. For one, it was a gift from them. My first gift from Slave of the All-Knowing. It is, or was my only source of connecting with them, or rather the source most used and through which I had so many beautiful and intimate conversations with them. My only contact in this phone is them, their number alone. Their pictures occupy most of my album. Wish they had send me some more. I guess it would still remain special to me, even though I can't connect with them using it for 33 days. I would still keep reading through those cherishes words. Taking comfort in them. Missing them.
Miss them already. But thanks to Allah, this is surprisingly easy to bear and contain. So unlike last time or the time before.
This certainly was the right thing to do. Insha Allah, it will please Allah so much! Doing what he loves over what we love. May He grant us khair. Ameen.
I was reading the following article when they messaged me. I was relating those Ayahs and words to my actions. And it only helped me stick to my resolve. Masha Allah, it is so knowledgeable and enlightening.
http://islamgreatreligion.wordpress.com/2010/10/04/lowering-the-gaze-to-prevent-desire/
"I Leave something haraam in the hope that Allah will replace it with something better"
Insha Allah, may it be so. Ameen. They have such a beautiful soul. Allah forbid me from ever having tainted it! Ameen.
I love them even more now.
But this does hurt me. A lot. The thought that I won't hear from them for 33 days. 33 days from today. Do you believe it? How soon days pass by! Wallahi, it's unbelievable. It doesn't seem so long now. Just a little over a month. Will I get through them fine? Insha Allah. Allah be with me. Ameen.
The blackberry was special to me in so many ways. For one, it was a gift from them. My first gift from Slave of the All-Knowing. It is, or was my only source of connecting with them, or rather the source most used and through which I had so many beautiful and intimate conversations with them. My only contact in this phone is them, their number alone. Their pictures occupy most of my album. Wish they had send me some more. I guess it would still remain special to me, even though I can't connect with them using it for 33 days. I would still keep reading through those cherishes words. Taking comfort in them. Missing them.
Miss them already. But thanks to Allah, this is surprisingly easy to bear and contain. So unlike last time or the time before.
This certainly was the right thing to do. Insha Allah, it will please Allah so much! Doing what he loves over what we love. May He grant us khair. Ameen.
I was reading the following article when they messaged me. I was relating those Ayahs and words to my actions. And it only helped me stick to my resolve. Masha Allah, it is so knowledgeable and enlightening.
http://islamgreatreligion.wordpress.com/2010/10/04/lowering-the-gaze-to-prevent-desire/
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Allah knows.
Guilt. Lots of it. I know that this is no good. I know this is very wrong. Then why do I keep doing it?
The Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wassallam said "when Hayaa is a part of anything it becomes beautiful and when lewdness is a part of anything it becomes defective"- the Hadith that keeps running through my head and it scares me and worries me.
May Allah Subhana ta'la forgive us. Ameen.
So I decided to do something, insha Allah, the following morning. May Allah give me and them the strength to do what is right. Ameen. It's not easy. Not one bit. In fact, sometimes it's so hard that it even makes me cry. And you reader, know it better than any person. But like I said, I am willing to embrace that hardship because what is important to me is the ease that will follow. Because Allah said in the Quran "Indeed with hardship comes ease". Insha Allah. "And put your trust in Allah if you're believers indeed" insha Allah.
So I thought, the harder it is, the better it will be. Insha Allah. Think about it this way, a person who has an inclination to listen to music but doesn't out of his fear for Allah would insha Allah attain more of Allah's pleasure than a one who doesn't like nor listen to music. Right? So harder the temptation is and harder we try to resist, the better it will be for us in here and Ahkir Insha Allah. Because Allah knows. He is Al-Aleem.
And another Hadith, it said, that one of the reasons why so many women will go to Jahannam is that some of them are very capable of leading even wise men astray.
It is true. And that is another Hadith that overwhelms me with guilt and fear of sinning.
May Allah forgive me. Ameen.
The Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wassallam said "when Hayaa is a part of anything it becomes beautiful and when lewdness is a part of anything it becomes defective"- the Hadith that keeps running through my head and it scares me and worries me.
May Allah Subhana ta'la forgive us. Ameen.
So I decided to do something, insha Allah, the following morning. May Allah give me and them the strength to do what is right. Ameen. It's not easy. Not one bit. In fact, sometimes it's so hard that it even makes me cry. And you reader, know it better than any person. But like I said, I am willing to embrace that hardship because what is important to me is the ease that will follow. Because Allah said in the Quran "Indeed with hardship comes ease". Insha Allah. "And put your trust in Allah if you're believers indeed" insha Allah.
So I thought, the harder it is, the better it will be. Insha Allah. Think about it this way, a person who has an inclination to listen to music but doesn't out of his fear for Allah would insha Allah attain more of Allah's pleasure than a one who doesn't like nor listen to music. Right? So harder the temptation is and harder we try to resist, the better it will be for us in here and Ahkir Insha Allah. Because Allah knows. He is Al-Aleem.
And another Hadith, it said, that one of the reasons why so many women will go to Jahannam is that some of them are very capable of leading even wise men astray.
It is true. And that is another Hadith that overwhelms me with guilt and fear of sinning.
May Allah forgive me. Ameen.
Tiny sacrifice
I only recently found out something about them. Their taste in something and it suprised me so much! I spent so much time pondering over it; in fact I was actually sad that I would have to give up my likeness for something for them; likeness for something that I shouldn't be liking anyway. Asthafirullah, how stupid of me! It wasn't until a lot of thinking was done that it dawned on me; what does it matter? The Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wassallam said "A place in Paradise equal to the size of a lash is better than the whole world and whatever is in it." SubhanAllah! How incredible is that? After I remembered that Hadith, my thoughts all seemed so ridiculous and unimportant. It was nothing. Allah is my priority. Earning His pleasure is my goal. Anything to earn his pleasure. Paradise lies beneath your mother's feet. For a woman, I learned that her husband is her road to Jannah. And if that involeves making sacrifices, even though they are tiny, then so be it, Insha Allah. A woman is all about sacrifices after all. Remember Allah. He will reward you. And remember the reward. Believe in the promises of Allah, and he will find for you from opportunities you never imagined.
But it was such a suprise! I would never have figured out! Alhamdulillah, I found it out now.
I would call it a tiny sacrifice. But what I get in return, Insha Allah is huge - the love of my husband; insha Allah. I wouldn't dream of trading my husband's contentment in me for jeans.
Don't ask. Long story. Figure it out yourselves reader.
But I understand them better now. I understand why they would dislike it and like otherwise. And makes me think; "of course. Why didn't it occur to me". Only I was thinking from a completely different aspect, not anymore though.
But it was such a suprise! I would never have figured out! Alhamdulillah, I found it out now.
I would call it a tiny sacrifice. But what I get in return, Insha Allah is huge - the love of my husband; insha Allah. I wouldn't dream of trading my husband's contentment in me for jeans.
Don't ask. Long story. Figure it out yourselves reader.
But I understand them better now. I understand why they would dislike it and like otherwise. And makes me think; "of course. Why didn't it occur to me". Only I was thinking from a completely different aspect, not anymore though.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Day with the friend
I spent the day with the friend who make me laugh like crazy a few days ago. We had so much fun. I hadn't laughed like that in ages. Hearty, carefree laugh. Alhamdulillah. Laughed so much that it started aching and caused tears to fill up in our eyes! May Allah Subhanta'ala bless my dear friend. Not everyone can make me laugh like that. And I have a different kind of relationship with this friend. She feels like family. She is one of those very few people to whom I talk freely and frankly; to whom I joke with and tease. I gave her gifts, a book of Duas, (which was given to me by someone for distribution, May Allah reward them, Ameen) a mobile tag (a blue one, her favorite color being blue, and I have the same thing in pink, so it's like a pair) and some chocolates. The Prophet Sallahi walaihi wassallam said exchanging gifts among each other would make us grow in love. SubhanaAllah, how beautiful and true is that?! So when I packed up those things for her, I had this Hadith in my mind, it was a comforting thought. Insha Allah. I'm gonna miss her so. I hope we remain close and intimate forever, Insha Allah.
Undid
I apologize for lack of posts for the past few days. Sorry reader. Missed me? LOL.
Well, things have changed a bit. You won't believe this, remember what I said, about Slave of the All-knowing doing something unexpected that hurt me? Well, they sort of undid that. And I was like so surprised! I couldn't believe it! I was over the moon! But you know, they needn't have. It was okay. I had gotten used to it. Now there's no pain and no ache. There is just love. Love I don't have the right to have. It makes me feel guilty. But the thought of going through that empty feeling again, I can't imagine it. But maybe I will be able to, because it's a bit different this time, and it's not unexpected. They understand me so much better now. It means a lot to me.
I know them well yet they surprise me. How could that be?
How easily are we humans swayed? We're always slipping. Why can't we be firm? Of course, it's natural. Because it is said so; that we have to constantly ask Allah Subhanata'ala to renew our Iman. Because Iman worn outs like clothes. It makes me feel so guilty. I can't let Satan come between me and them. That thought scares me. I wish Satan would quit whispering in their ears! And mine. Asthafirullah! Auzu billahi mina shaitani rajeem.
May Allah protect us. Ameen.
Well, things have changed a bit. You won't believe this, remember what I said, about Slave of the All-knowing doing something unexpected that hurt me? Well, they sort of undid that. And I was like so surprised! I couldn't believe it! I was over the moon! But you know, they needn't have. It was okay. I had gotten used to it. Now there's no pain and no ache. There is just love. Love I don't have the right to have. It makes me feel guilty. But the thought of going through that empty feeling again, I can't imagine it. But maybe I will be able to, because it's a bit different this time, and it's not unexpected. They understand me so much better now. It means a lot to me.
I know them well yet they surprise me. How could that be?
How easily are we humans swayed? We're always slipping. Why can't we be firm? Of course, it's natural. Because it is said so; that we have to constantly ask Allah Subhanata'ala to renew our Iman. Because Iman worn outs like clothes. It makes me feel so guilty. I can't let Satan come between me and them. That thought scares me. I wish Satan would quit whispering in their ears! And mine. Asthafirullah! Auzu billahi mina shaitani rajeem.
May Allah protect us. Ameen.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Funniest simile
Ah I get it now. These little exchanges are like charge for my battery. LOL. This should be like the funniest simile.
Rejuvenate. That was the word they used a long time ago. I had to look it up in the dictionary.
Rejuvenate. That was the word they used a long time ago. I had to look it up in the dictionary.
Oh to hear them call me that!
Oh to hear them call me that! And then I know that they are not mad at me.
I love everything they call me. And my favorite I would say is my first name, it being a name called by very few in the family but the name I am known as in school, college and among friends. And then I love it when they call me one of my favorite nicknames, because only those who are closest to me calls me that, it's always been special to me.
I love everything they call me. And my favorite I would say is my first name, it being a name called by very few in the family but the name I am known as in school, college and among friends. And then I love it when they call me one of my favorite nicknames, because only those who are closest to me calls me that, it's always been special to me.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Yet again
One word, two words, who cares? The point is they heard me yet again.
And I'm happy dancing! Naw, I don't do that; but I am happy, if not dancing!
SubhanaAllah.
And I'm happy dancing! Naw, I don't do that; but I am happy, if not dancing!
SubhanaAllah.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Strange
Strange, it's still bearable. Could I possibly be anticipating the ache? That ache for them. Or is Allah Subhanata'ala making this easy for me?
Allah knows.
But I miss them. So stubborn. I love them.
Allah knows.
But I miss them. So stubborn. I love them.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Suprisingly so
I am cheerful. Alhamdulillah. Surprisingly so. I hope it will last long, insha Allah.
There's a little of that pang, a tiny teensy part of it only when I think about the things they said, the love they gave, only then do I feel that pang. Otherwise it's all but surprisingly good. So thanks to Allah, for helping me reach this level. For making this to get to a point which I can not only bear but also be cheerful at the same time. But I've been here before, the point where I could take the silence quite cheerily. So clearly, this will change, I will miss them more and more as days go by and then I would start aching. The same old ache.
But there's hardly days left now, just a little over a month. If I can't endure that much, why do I even consider my selves to be patient? Insha Allah, may Allah be with me.
"Indeed with hardship comes ease". This time, I embrace the hardship, because the ease that will come closely following the hardship is what I want. Insha Allah.
Oh, but I miss them. So bad.
There's a little of that pang, a tiny teensy part of it only when I think about the things they said, the love they gave, only then do I feel that pang. Otherwise it's all but surprisingly good. So thanks to Allah, for helping me reach this level. For making this to get to a point which I can not only bear but also be cheerful at the same time. But I've been here before, the point where I could take the silence quite cheerily. So clearly, this will change, I will miss them more and more as days go by and then I would start aching. The same old ache.
But there's hardly days left now, just a little over a month. If I can't endure that much, why do I even consider my selves to be patient? Insha Allah, may Allah be with me.
"Indeed with hardship comes ease". This time, I embrace the hardship, because the ease that will come closely following the hardship is what I want. Insha Allah.
Oh, but I miss them. So bad.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Love of your family
There is something about the love of your family. Kinship. The love of your blood relations. It is deep, deep rooted and firm at the core. Like the love your mother. Or the love of your father. Which may not always be shown on the surface, but when in need, it's like the shade of a tree that protects you from the storm, it gives you energy. Concern. It is the kind of love that shows such deep concerns for you, that when you're in pain, they are hurting too, and when you're anxious, so are they, and when you're happy, they share your joy. Indifference can hurt so much.
The love of your mother. Who would never tell you to not eat even if you weighed a 1000 pounds. The love of your father. Who would never ask you to do chores, because his child is always daddy's little one and he couldn't bear to see her at work.
The love of your mother. Who would never tell you to not eat even if you weighed a 1000 pounds. The love of your father. Who would never ask you to do chores, because his child is always daddy's little one and he couldn't bear to see her at work.
Pattern
So glad I had thought of asking for that favor. Anything to not go through the broken feeling again. I don't have time to spend in pieces, I need to be whole. Besides, I doubt if I have it in me to go through it again.
I am so grateful to them for doing me that favor. Alhamdulillah.
Do I sense a pattern here? The cycle. How much more time of this silence?
I am not sad. Alhamdulillah, I am happy. But I have this sort of restless feeling. I don't feel right untill I know for sure that they are pleased with me.
A conversation that ends on a not so satisfactory note makes me restless till I can have the next one.
I am so grateful to them for doing me that favor. Alhamdulillah.
Do I sense a pattern here? The cycle. How much more time of this silence?
I am not sad. Alhamdulillah, I am happy. But I have this sort of restless feeling. I don't feel right untill I know for sure that they are pleased with me.
A conversation that ends on a not so satisfactory note makes me restless till I can have the next one.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
A sob
Isn't it funny, that I get what I have been waiting, expecting and hoping for all day, exactly the moment my attention is diverted? So sad. But still I like that I got it when I was least expecting it.
I was immersed in something they said previously, that's when the flash of red caught my attention.
A sob. I smiled at that. But I felt so sad, mirroring their sadness. I want them happy. I wish I could make them happy. Insha Allah.
And then later, yet another one. I was so touched. I was rendered speechless.
I love you.
Obviously, the cycle is going in different paces for the both of us.
I was immersed in something they said previously, that's when the flash of red caught my attention.
A sob. I smiled at that. But I felt so sad, mirroring their sadness. I want them happy. I wish I could make them happy. Insha Allah.
And then later, yet another one. I was so touched. I was rendered speechless.
I love you.
Obviously, the cycle is going in different paces for the both of us.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Whispers of Satan
Temptation. Otherwise whispers of satan. I know that satan is the culprit. I can almost hear him whispering in my ear. I can sense that momentary lapse of rationality where I'm in a dilemma and then either I listen to him or I don't.
I remember my brother telling me this, just think about it, he would tell us. You can hear the satan whispering in your ear. I never believed him then. Of course we can't hear satan. But if we stop to think an instant before we do anything whether right or wrong or good or bad, we can hear him.
Like when you're gonna pray, you've done the ablution and you're gonna pray, but you think of doing something else before the prayer, it might be something as random as checking your fridge or answering your voice mail, what he wants is for you to delay your salah and that he gets.
I remember my brother telling me this, just think about it, he would tell us. You can hear the satan whispering in your ear. I never believed him then. Of course we can't hear satan. But if we stop to think an instant before we do anything whether right or wrong or good or bad, we can hear him.
Like when you're gonna pray, you've done the ablution and you're gonna pray, but you think of doing something else before the prayer, it might be something as random as checking your fridge or answering your voice mail, what he wants is for you to delay your salah and that he gets.
Two ways of lookin' at it
So there are two ways of looking at it.
The statement could be taken as flattery, because the thing implied is that there is a lot of temptation to do that which they shouldn't. That could be taken as a flattering and rather flirtatious comment.
Or
The statement also implies the fact that this only source of connecting to me is evil and causes fitnah. Now that's neither flattering nor flirtatious. That's a fact. And not a very pleasant one.
I wish I could tell them how sorry I am. I do sincerely feel sorry. I feel bad. I feel guilty.
I should really fall back now.
Ouch. The latter meaning can sting.
The statement could be taken as flattery, because the thing implied is that there is a lot of temptation to do that which they shouldn't. That could be taken as a flattering and rather flirtatious comment.
Or
The statement also implies the fact that this only source of connecting to me is evil and causes fitnah. Now that's neither flattering nor flirtatious. That's a fact. And not a very pleasant one.
I wish I could tell them how sorry I am. I do sincerely feel sorry. I feel bad. I feel guilty.
I should really fall back now.
Ouch. The latter meaning can sting.
Wat
A "wat", so what? What if I love even their Wat? What I can tell is that a lot other words are suppressed behind that Wat. That's what. Their Wat is so cute! I love wat!
It was my idiocy what prompted their wat though.
It was my idiocy what prompted their wat though.
I must be Crazy
I sign in to see them online, I sign out because they are online. I must be crazy.
I know that I can't wish for it, I know it is wrong of me, but still I do, because I can't help it, because I am but an 18 year old in love. I wish they'd give in. But I don't want them to at the same time, because it ain't worth the regret and guilt, but this ain't easy either. I must be crazy.
I wait and wait and wait, from the time I wake up till I fall asleep. I wait. For that tiny icon on my phone, for that flashy red light or soundless vibration while it's held in my hand. I check my phone every now and then, hoping, anticipating the little icon and the flash of red light or the vibration. A new mail, get it? And every time it happens, I hope it's them but I also brace my selves for the disappointment that I know will follow. And then I wait again. I must be crazy.
Oh I just love their voice. I wanna hear them speak to me so bad.
I know that I can't wish for it, I know it is wrong of me, but still I do, because I can't help it, because I am but an 18 year old in love. I wish they'd give in. But I don't want them to at the same time, because it ain't worth the regret and guilt, but this ain't easy either. I must be crazy.
I wait and wait and wait, from the time I wake up till I fall asleep. I wait. For that tiny icon on my phone, for that flashy red light or soundless vibration while it's held in my hand. I check my phone every now and then, hoping, anticipating the little icon and the flash of red light or the vibration. A new mail, get it? And every time it happens, I hope it's them but I also brace my selves for the disappointment that I know will follow. And then I wait again. I must be crazy.
Oh I just love their voice. I wanna hear them speak to me so bad.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Expectancy
Oh yeah, this definitely is a cycle or so it would seem. Well at least I don't have to go through that empty feeling again! Whew. That's a relief. Insha Allah, Alhamdulillah.
This is way better. I can totally take this silence. Maybe a little bit of expectancy isn't a bad thing. Maybe it's that which makes all the difference. Expectancy gives hope. Maybe it is the lack of it which makes things hard and unbearable.
Yes, sometimes I tend to make no sense at all.
I so love them! They make me so happy. Alhamdulillah. They have made this easy for me, they always did, before too. I am so thankful to them.
But sigh, I miss them. I miss them so bad. And I wanna hear from them. I want their love. I want it. I need it. I wanna love them.
How many more days? 47? Insha Allah.
47? 47!! Oh my God. I made the mistake of adding a 10 more days to that yesterday! And I count again and it's 47! Insha Allah. I have so much to do.
Allah be with me. Ameen.
This is way better. I can totally take this silence. Maybe a little bit of expectancy isn't a bad thing. Maybe it's that which makes all the difference. Expectancy gives hope. Maybe it is the lack of it which makes things hard and unbearable.
Yes, sometimes I tend to make no sense at all.
I so love them! They make me so happy. Alhamdulillah. They have made this easy for me, they always did, before too. I am so thankful to them.
But sigh, I miss them. I miss them so bad. And I wanna hear from them. I want their love. I want it. I need it. I wanna love them.
How many more days? 47? Insha Allah.
47? 47!! Oh my God. I made the mistake of adding a 10 more days to that yesterday! And I count again and it's 47! Insha Allah. I have so much to do.
Allah be with me. Ameen.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Elated
I'm so elated, I'm lost for words!
Alhamdulillah.
I fear if I'll have to bear the consequences.
I love them so SO much. Thankyou Allah.
Being ordered around was never my favorite thing. Surprising that I love them doing it. In fact I think it's very...um, ah I shouldn't put it here.
Alhamdulillah.
I fear if I'll have to bear the consequences.
I love them so SO much. Thankyou Allah.
Being ordered around was never my favorite thing. Surprising that I love them doing it. In fact I think it's very...um, ah I shouldn't put it here.
Yay!
Guess what? Somebody just told me to not get any slimmer! They said my figure is just right! Yay! You see what I mean? Now anybody with a different opinion can go hang!
If only I could believe that. If only it was enough. But what counts is what my man thinks of me and I can't know that untill Dec 2nd. Insha Allah.
If only I could believe that. If only it was enough. But what counts is what my man thinks of me and I can't know that untill Dec 2nd. Insha Allah.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Comments
Telling someone who is fat that they are fat or have gotten fatter is a bad idea. Anyone with common sense should know that. Because this fat person has this thing called mirror in their house and it reflects their image so they are aware of the fact! And they don't need reminding! Because they are aware of it, conscious of it every second of their day and it is their desperate wish to change it. So they just don't need to hear it from others and feel twice as bad about it. If this fat person was someone who is super bold and super confident and the kinda person who would say "you can go hang." in reply to such a comment, then its okay. But this fat person is a silly self-conscious girl who is so badly wanting to look good to please that person decreed for her and she is striving to get there, she really DO NOT need this.
She would SO appreciate it if they would shut up. Hints. Hints and more hints. Hints just about as subtle as a shot gun.
People rarely ever tell me I'm fat. In fact, they even tell me that I'm perfect and that I'm not at all fat, and my girls all think of me as a beauty. But then there are some Other people.
So next time you see a fat person, you DO NOT wanna tell them to their face "hey, you're fat, you should diet". You might as well have slapped them.
Its not just fat people. Nobody likes to be told things like that. It is human nature. And anyone who doesn't know that is practically inhuman.
She would SO appreciate it if they would shut up. Hints. Hints and more hints. Hints just about as subtle as a shot gun.
People rarely ever tell me I'm fat. In fact, they even tell me that I'm perfect and that I'm not at all fat, and my girls all think of me as a beauty. But then there are some Other people.
So next time you see a fat person, you DO NOT wanna tell them to their face "hey, you're fat, you should diet". You might as well have slapped them.
Its not just fat people. Nobody likes to be told things like that. It is human nature. And anyone who doesn't know that is practically inhuman.
Love makes me wanna cry
I love them so much that it makes ma wanna cry. They give me so much love that it makes me wanna cry.
Oh great. I am rendered incapable of any other reaction. Gee. What a joy.
I once wrote a song, "Love makes me wanna cry". True then, true now.
Oh great. I am rendered incapable of any other reaction. Gee. What a joy.
I once wrote a song, "Love makes me wanna cry". True then, true now.
I cherish
I cherish each of these words, smiles that they give me. Because I'm sure that there will be days when I'll have to do without them, and during those days, I'll take comfort in these words, till I am given more of them untill finally I have a right to them. Insha Allah.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Confused
What am I doing? Where is all the so often boasted of patience? What have I done?
Regret. Guilt. Relief. Sadness. Hapiness. Confused.
One thing stands out, stands firm - my love for them, so much more now.
I wonder how things are gonna be. I wonder what they're thinking, they're probably asleep, I hope I show up in their dreams. I wish I was with them.
I need them so much. Prolonged perpetual ache I used to call it.
I ignored the little dot against their name once, twice, the third time, it got the better of me. This one's on me. I owe them.
We seem to be on a something like a competition. Who is more patient? Defenitely not me.
I'm falling back now. Excercising patience is no trouble when you have a brother who is constantly nagging and provoking you. But this is a different kind of patience. Words I can ignore, turn a blind eye to. Silence is not just as easy. Reminds me of a song I used to hear, "Silence so loud..." it went.
Regret. Guilt. Relief. Sadness. Hapiness. Confused.
One thing stands out, stands firm - my love for them, so much more now.
I wonder how things are gonna be. I wonder what they're thinking, they're probably asleep, I hope I show up in their dreams. I wish I was with them.
I need them so much. Prolonged perpetual ache I used to call it.
I ignored the little dot against their name once, twice, the third time, it got the better of me. This one's on me. I owe them.
We seem to be on a something like a competition. Who is more patient? Defenitely not me.
I'm falling back now. Excercising patience is no trouble when you have a brother who is constantly nagging and provoking you. But this is a different kind of patience. Words I can ignore, turn a blind eye to. Silence is not just as easy. Reminds me of a song I used to hear, "Silence so loud..." it went.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Unfair
I should be really cheerful and pleased right now. But I'm not, in fact, I'm feeling low and weepy. Why am I this way? Why are they this way? How is this fair? I wish I could tell them how unfair they are being, but I'm incapable of being anything but nice with them. So unfair. I wanna pout at them, push them, playfully.
I want to show my anger to them. I want to tell that how much it hurt. And I wanna tell them how lame their answer is and that it calls for sarcasm. But I can't. And even if I could, what good will it be? It will help nothing, except maybe relieving my mind of all these thoughts.
What funny question they ask! Have they any idea? No. They haven't a clue. Insha Allah, when they read my blog, they'll know, that is one of the reasons why I'm doing in this first place. They gotta know. I hope they won't think I'm crazy.
I need them so much that it makes me wanna cry! I'm not always like this, I told you, some days the need is all but ignorable. But these days, it's so prominent, demanding. It hurts.
And they are not exactly helping me, or are they? If so, it has the opposite effect.
I love you, Slave of The All-knowing.
I want to show my anger to them. I want to tell that how much it hurt. And I wanna tell them how lame their answer is and that it calls for sarcasm. But I can't. And even if I could, what good will it be? It will help nothing, except maybe relieving my mind of all these thoughts.
What funny question they ask! Have they any idea? No. They haven't a clue. Insha Allah, when they read my blog, they'll know, that is one of the reasons why I'm doing in this first place. They gotta know. I hope they won't think I'm crazy.
I need them so much that it makes me wanna cry! I'm not always like this, I told you, some days the need is all but ignorable. But these days, it's so prominent, demanding. It hurts.
And they are not exactly helping me, or are they? If so, it has the opposite effect.
I love you, Slave of The All-knowing.
Amazing
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Amazing. That they should act on my thoughts.
I know now, that I didn't anger or disappoint them.
It is also amazing how my guesses are sometimes so accurate, most of the times. I knew it was different today and I even thought this, exactly this, and it is. I know them so well.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Hurtfully impersonal and polite
Hurtfully impersonal and polite- I had once called it. I was reminded of that this morning.
A mention of my name would have made all the difference.
Did I anger them? Breaking my promise? But I never made a promise, I merely agreed to the one they made themselves. I was so concerned. And I tried other ways before I had to resort to this. I tried my best to avoid it, but I had to. How I wish I knew what they were thinking. I hope I didn't anger them. I couldn't stand it if I dissapointed them.
A mention of my name would have made all the difference.
Did I anger them? Breaking my promise? But I never made a promise, I merely agreed to the one they made themselves. I was so concerned. And I tried other ways before I had to resort to this. I tried my best to avoid it, but I had to. How I wish I knew what they were thinking. I hope I didn't anger them. I couldn't stand it if I dissapointed them.
Ache again
I'm missing them more again. What is with me? I wish I knew how they are feeling. It really is an aching now. I need them. I need their love. I want to give them mine.
Is this some kind of cycle? Some days I can even ignore the feeling of missing them. Some days it is so bad that it makes me ache again. I wonder if they have those days as well.
I wish I could tell them how much I miss them right now, this very moment.
Is this some kind of cycle? Some days I can even ignore the feeling of missing them. Some days it is so bad that it makes me ache again. I wonder if they have those days as well.
I wish I could tell them how much I miss them right now, this very moment.
Friends
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I got a call today, from one of my bestest friends. She and I have been best friends since we were in 6th grade. Best friends and partners for 3 years in a row. And after 2 years, again in same class and the same old buddies. She is a friend who can make me laugh anytime. A friend who brings out the joker in me. A friend who has played nasty pranks on me and whom I still can't stay mad at. She is the friend whom I miss the most. She never calls. She never calls untill it's a necessity. She never calls like us girls usually do, to hear from each other or to catch up. But she called today. And I was so surprised, so happy and thankful. And speaking with her, having some real girl-friend talk, it felt so good and made me feel light headed. And my mom was surprised too that she called, and she asked me why, I started talking about her and then I cried. Because I miss her and I love her and I'm gonna miss her even more.
You must think I'm such a cry baby. Guess I'm a little more weepy than usuall these days.
I miss those days with her and the rest of us. We were 5. 'Five Fingers' we were nicknamed. I remember once my teacher had referred to the 5 of us as 'Brainy Beauties'! And we were often called "The UNO girls" because of our obsession with playing the UNO cards. Those days were all but perfect; filled with so much fun and laughter and companionship. Friends are wonderful. The 5 of us are in five different places now; one of us is married, and the other three, even though we live in the same place, we go to different colleges and rarely ever see each other. I miss the married friend a lot too, it was her that I used to narrate the stories of the fictions that I read and she's such a good listener! She loved it when I told her stories. I lover her. These two are the closest to me, most intimate relationships. The others I have been friends with for only two years, but yet we are pretty thick and I miss them too; one of them - the one who always reminded us about Allah, she impresses me with her steadfastness in religion and the other - she is a synonym to 'neat as a pin' or the perfect example for the phrase. Masha Allah. The good old days. My sisters.
Then there are the twins whom I have been friends with for like 10 years; but the relationship with these two is different, or rather it grew different over time. Because time can change people, transform them. I do love them and I miss them too. But maybe it's because I separated from them 2 years back, when they went to a different school, and maybe that's why I don't miss them as much.
I wonder what kind of friends will I make again? Insha Allah, I will make good friends. But what will they be like? Will they love me? And what will it be like for me? There is no way I could possibly make the kind of friends that I have, is there? Friends make life better. The best memories of my school life are those with my friends, I cannot think of the memory of getting a Certificate as an unforgettable one, (although the time I scored 25/25 in bio is and the time I scored 79 1/2 in 80 in English is too) But there's no memory like of that day when we splashed water over each other and got ourselves Totally wet!! Friends add color to your art - as I said in one of my poems.
Thankyou Allah, for my friends, for all the laughter, fun and happiness that they gave me. Alhamdulillah Shukr. I pray that I will remain good friends with them all, always. Ameen. Insha Allah.
Friday, October 8, 2010
My Favorite Gift from them
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One morning I woke up to a gift awaiting me on my phone. And the words that came with the gift were amazing. It was a really respectful thing for them to do, really appreciative, kind, loving. It was my favorite gift from them.
I miss those days.
I miss them a little more today. So much more that I'm aching. Maybe it was from reading The Muslim Marriage Guide, their picture was in my mind through out the read or maybe it is something else. I think it's the latter. The ache is always stronger because of the latter reason.
The Muslim Marriage Guide
Alhamdulillah, I just finished reading this wonderful book. So that's one thing down in my list of Things to do before Marriage. Hurray. 100 more to go! Nope, that is exaggeration, although i do have a LOT more things to do. Insha Allah.
There were some Hadiths and quotes that touched me or that I found very enlightening and the first place I thought of putting it in is ofcourse my blog!
(Although the first place I tried to put one of them in was as status message on my blackberry messenger profile, it didn't fit.)
So Insha Allah, I hope if someday somebody reads my blog, they will benefit from these and find them as beautiful as I have:
Masha Allah. Makes you go "wow!" right?
"There is no woman who removes something to replace it in it's proper place with a view to tidying her husband's house, but that Allah records it as a virtue for her. Nor is there a man who walks with his wife hand in hand, but that Allah sets it down as a virtue for him; and if he put his arm round her shoulder in love, his virtue is increased tenfold"
(Doi, Women in Shariah, 10)
"Once, the Blessed Prophet's companion Amr ibn al-As asked him which person he loved most in the world, expecting him to name one of the heroic young warriors. To his surprise, the Prophet replied straight away:`A'isha'."
(Zarkashi, al-Ijaba, 52.)
"'Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you.' 'And what is that messenger?' They asked, and he replied : "Kisses and words"
(Daylami)
"A man who marries a woman for her wealth and beauty will be deprived of that wealth and beauty; while the man who marries her for her religion shall receive from God her wealth and beauty too."
(Hadith in Tabarani)
Subhana Allah, I actually cried reading this particular hadith mentioned above, it felt like Allah Subhanata'ala was giving me just the kind of assurance that I'm desperate for, He answered my duas, He is The All-Hearer. I cried, Alhamdulillah out of my love for my Lord, at his Compassion for me. Allahuakbar. And I put my trust in Allah.
"Make things easy for people, and do not make them hard; cheer people up and do not rebuff them"
(Muslim)
"Gentlenss adorns everything, and it's absence leaves everything tainted.
(Muslim)
"Allah's Messenger was one of the most humorous of people."
(Bazzar, Tabarani)
"I was sent only to perfect the noble qualities of character"
(Hadith in Khara'iti)
"You will not suffice all people with your wealth; suffice them therefore with a cheerful face and goodness of character"
(Hadith in Malik, Muwatta')
Simple, yet exceedingly invaluable.
"Whichever man is patient with the bad character of his wife shall be given a reward like unto that which Job shall receive; and whichever woman is patient with the bad character of her husband shall be given a reward like that of Asiya the (believing) wife of Pharoah"
(Hadith in Hakim, Mustadrak)
May Allah forgive me if there is any mistake in the above quoted Hadiths. For any clarifications refer The Muslim Marriage Guide by Ruqayyah Waris Maqsood. And Allah knows the best.
There were some Hadiths and quotes that touched me or that I found very enlightening and the first place I thought of putting it in is ofcourse my blog!
(Although the first place I tried to put one of them in was as status message on my blackberry messenger profile, it didn't fit.)
So Insha Allah, I hope if someday somebody reads my blog, they will benefit from these and find them as beautiful as I have:
The true Muslim is like the Earth: everything foul is thrown upon it, but only what is beautiful grows from it.
Masha Allah. Makes you go "wow!" right?
"There is no woman who removes something to replace it in it's proper place with a view to tidying her husband's house, but that Allah records it as a virtue for her. Nor is there a man who walks with his wife hand in hand, but that Allah sets it down as a virtue for him; and if he put his arm round her shoulder in love, his virtue is increased tenfold"
(Doi, Women in Shariah, 10)
"Once, the Blessed Prophet's companion Amr ibn al-As asked him which person he loved most in the world, expecting him to name one of the heroic young warriors. To his surprise, the Prophet replied straight away:`A'isha'."
(Zarkashi, al-Ijaba, 52.)
"'Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you.' 'And what is that messenger?' They asked, and he replied : "Kisses and words"
(Daylami)
"A man who marries a woman for her wealth and beauty will be deprived of that wealth and beauty; while the man who marries her for her religion shall receive from God her wealth and beauty too."
(Hadith in Tabarani)
Subhana Allah, I actually cried reading this particular hadith mentioned above, it felt like Allah Subhanata'ala was giving me just the kind of assurance that I'm desperate for, He answered my duas, He is The All-Hearer. I cried, Alhamdulillah out of my love for my Lord, at his Compassion for me. Allahuakbar. And I put my trust in Allah.
"Make things easy for people, and do not make them hard; cheer people up and do not rebuff them"
(Muslim)
"Gentlenss adorns everything, and it's absence leaves everything tainted.
(Muslim)
"Allah's Messenger was one of the most humorous of people."
(Bazzar, Tabarani)
"I was sent only to perfect the noble qualities of character"
(Hadith in Khara'iti)
"You will not suffice all people with your wealth; suffice them therefore with a cheerful face and goodness of character"
(Hadith in Malik, Muwatta')
Simple, yet exceedingly invaluable.
"Whichever man is patient with the bad character of his wife shall be given a reward like unto that which Job shall receive; and whichever woman is patient with the bad character of her husband shall be given a reward like that of Asiya the (believing) wife of Pharoah"
(Hadith in Hakim, Mustadrak)
May Allah forgive me if there is any mistake in the above quoted Hadiths. For any clarifications refer The Muslim Marriage Guide by Ruqayyah Waris Maqsood. And Allah knows the best.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Rejection
Rejection. It should be a fear that haunts every girl. Fear of rejection. Every girl longs to be accepted by that man decreed for them. They want nothing more than love and acceptance. If there is love , there is acceptance, then insha Allah, everything falls into place. If there is acceptance, then there is a new meaning to their beauty, their physique and it makes them feel beautiful and confident, and those are things every woman yearns to feel.
I had taken up a course called 'Like a Garment' by Yasir Qadi, it was a series of very informative mails for married and unmarried individuals. Masha Allah, they were very enlightening and knowledgeable, I had signed up for it way before I was anywhere near getting married. My intention was to increase my awareness on such matters that will insha Allah help me attain success in my married life. In one of the mails, he said that women's prior needs were emotional, as opposed to men's prior physical needs. Even though this was common knowledge, it only dawned on me after having read it. If that fact alone is understood and given importance to, insha Allah, the marriage will be successful. Fulfill the needs of the other so that you may get your own needs fulfilled. What a woman craves the most, is a feeling of security and love and acceptance- as mentioned above. Once that is in affect, she requires companionship, care, trust, support, understanding, respect etc. The Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wasallam said "Treat women with kindness"; why was special emphasis given on treating women kindly? And not the men? Because the major difference lies in that; women are all about emotions. They are physically weaker than men, but are capable of stronger emotions than men.
My mother always said that a woman is down to earth sacrificial. Sacrifice, selflessness. Women can be just as possessive as Men. They can be just as jealous. Gheerah is not a quality found in men alone. But women are also sacrificial and selfless. There lies the difference.
I read today in 'The Muslim Marriage Guide' that the average psychological need for men was Respect while for women it was Love. Aha! There you have it. Told you it was a need for me. My need for Slave of the All-knowing, and their love.
I have so totally lost my point. Pardon me. I was talking about the fear of rejection. The Media has quite a part in the matter. They show women everyday, perfect flawlessly beautiful women, and the men, they wake up to these images, because these images are everywhere. "What the eye sees, the heart perceives'. So it is these images that forms in their mind when a woman is mentioned. And not all women are or can be perfect flawless beauties. Men needn't have that fear, women don't generally set standards in their minds and then compare their man with it. No. Women are usually ever ready to accept their man with wide open arms and a warm smile. Because she is selfless. She is all about love. And she has only one man. She will love him like she loves no other. She will love him no matter what.
The Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wasallam said "The whole world is full of provisions and the best of those provisions is a Righteous Woman"
We women rock.
Hypothetically speaking, of course.
I had taken up a course called 'Like a Garment' by Yasir Qadi, it was a series of very informative mails for married and unmarried individuals. Masha Allah, they were very enlightening and knowledgeable, I had signed up for it way before I was anywhere near getting married. My intention was to increase my awareness on such matters that will insha Allah help me attain success in my married life. In one of the mails, he said that women's prior needs were emotional, as opposed to men's prior physical needs. Even though this was common knowledge, it only dawned on me after having read it. If that fact alone is understood and given importance to, insha Allah, the marriage will be successful. Fulfill the needs of the other so that you may get your own needs fulfilled. What a woman craves the most, is a feeling of security and love and acceptance- as mentioned above. Once that is in affect, she requires companionship, care, trust, support, understanding, respect etc. The Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wasallam said "Treat women with kindness"; why was special emphasis given on treating women kindly? And not the men? Because the major difference lies in that; women are all about emotions. They are physically weaker than men, but are capable of stronger emotions than men.
My mother always said that a woman is down to earth sacrificial. Sacrifice, selflessness. Women can be just as possessive as Men. They can be just as jealous. Gheerah is not a quality found in men alone. But women are also sacrificial and selfless. There lies the difference.
I read today in 'The Muslim Marriage Guide' that the average psychological need for men was Respect while for women it was Love. Aha! There you have it. Told you it was a need for me. My need for Slave of the All-knowing, and their love.
I have so totally lost my point. Pardon me. I was talking about the fear of rejection. The Media has quite a part in the matter. They show women everyday, perfect flawlessly beautiful women, and the men, they wake up to these images, because these images are everywhere. "What the eye sees, the heart perceives'. So it is these images that forms in their mind when a woman is mentioned. And not all women are or can be perfect flawless beauties. Men needn't have that fear, women don't generally set standards in their minds and then compare their man with it. No. Women are usually ever ready to accept their man with wide open arms and a warm smile. Because she is selfless. She is all about love. And she has only one man. She will love him like she loves no other. She will love him no matter what.
The Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wasallam said "The whole world is full of provisions and the best of those provisions is a Righteous Woman"
We women rock.
Hypothetically speaking, of course.
Inexplicable, again
Another smile. Told you, they could somehow inexplicably hear me.
So a smile, once in a while can keep me going. Insha Allah.
I doubt if they are doing it because they want to, it would seem they are just being nice; but I appreciate it all the same. Although it would have been nice to know if it was the want that prompted the act or maybe its just kindness.
New found blessing
I absolutely love it when they enjoy something I say.
I just remembered something I had told them a long time ago on a beautiful night; and they sounded so amused. They even said so, once. And they had admitted more than once that they were missing it.
I never actually considered my humor sense a blessing. I could crack smart jokes, I could get back at people who joked with me, I could make them laugh; just that I can do that only after I reach the point where I put aside my invisible barrier, let the person inside and be friends with them. I took a little secret credit in my humor sense but I never really thought it could be beneficial. Now that, insha Allah, I have someone to please, and they thanks to Allah think I'm amusing, I could actually earn Allah Subhanta'la's pleasure by being hilarious! Alhamdulillah.
New found blessing - good old talent.
I just remembered something I had told them a long time ago on a beautiful night; and they sounded so amused. They even said so, once. And they had admitted more than once that they were missing it.
I never actually considered my humor sense a blessing. I could crack smart jokes, I could get back at people who joked with me, I could make them laugh; just that I can do that only after I reach the point where I put aside my invisible barrier, let the person inside and be friends with them. I took a little secret credit in my humor sense but I never really thought it could be beneficial. Now that, insha Allah, I have someone to please, and they thanks to Allah think I'm amusing, I could actually earn Allah Subhanta'la's pleasure by being hilarious! Alhamdulillah.
New found blessing - good old talent.
The little red dot against their name
Right now there is nothing more tempting than that little red dot against their name. Not really tempting, it just makes me more expectant, and hence more disappointed.
One smile?
They can see the little red dot against my name just as clearly. Their Father called it determination, I call it stubborness, because I like to play with them.
One smile?
They can see the little red dot against my name just as clearly. Their Father called it determination, I call it stubborness, because I like to play with them.
Haya
Just read the most beautiful defintion of the word "Haya"
"Hijab celebrates a desirable quality called Haya (modesty), a deep concern for preserving one’s dignity.
Haya is a natural feeling that brings us pain at the very idea of committing a wrong.
The Prophet said: "Every religion has a distinct call. For Islam it is Haya (modesty)." [Ibn Majah]."
Haya. I just love the word. I just love the meaning. Give me Haya O ALLAH. Ameen.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Not giving in
Okay, now I'm starting to hurt a tiny teensy little bit. But compared to the broken feeling, this is all but nothing.
I'm not giving in; even though I have ample reason to.
I'm not giving in; even though I have ample reason to.
When a friend say it
When strangers tell you something you don't like, it is okay, I mean it's a stranger, why would we care? But when someone who knows you very well, a friend, tells you something like that, something they are well aware would displease you or possibly even hurt you, it is SO NOT okay, in fact, it is painful and makes you wonder; "how could they, of all people!"
Isn't the whole point of friendship- affection, support, care, trust and being there for each other? Friends are supposed to assure their friends. I mean to say, in times of need, friends should be a comfort. If they can't, then they are not friends. Some people don't get that but they still consider them as 'Friends'; when they no longer qualify as a friend.
Time is a factor. Time can change people, transform them.
My friends do make me happy, at least, they usually do, my true friends.
Or maybe it is me who has changed? Maybe some of these friends don't cheer me as they used to because of my change? Maybe it's because the friends who make me happy are also my sisters, and we are linked my our hearts-or the belief in our hearts.
Maybe.
Isn't the whole point of friendship- affection, support, care, trust and being there for each other? Friends are supposed to assure their friends. I mean to say, in times of need, friends should be a comfort. If they can't, then they are not friends. Some people don't get that but they still consider them as 'Friends'; when they no longer qualify as a friend.
Time is a factor. Time can change people, transform them.
My friends do make me happy, at least, they usually do, my true friends.
Or maybe it is me who has changed? Maybe some of these friends don't cheer me as they used to because of my change? Maybe it's because the friends who make me happy are also my sisters, and we are linked my our hearts-or the belief in our hearts.
Maybe.
Moved to tears
Masha Allah. I just wept reading this from the "Muslim Marriage Guide". SubhanaAllah, it is so beautiful, I had to share.
" 'Whom shall I appeal to?' He askes her one day, during one of the long conversations that they had each time the angel Gabriel appeared to him. 'Who will believe in me?' Happy to see that he no longer doubted his new mission, Khadija exclaimed, 'At least you can call on me before all others. For I believe in you!' The Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wassallam was very joyful, and recited the shahada to Khadija, and Khadija believed"
He never took another wife while she lived, and even after her death he never forgot her or ceased to love her. Their marriage had lasted twenty-five years. There are several touching traditions which show the Prophet Sallahi Walaihi being deeply affected and moved to tears when he heard her sister Hala's voice, which sounded so much like hers, or saw something which had once belonged to her.
Aisha Radi Allahu Anhu recorded : 'Although I had never met Khadija, I was never more jealous of anyone than her.' Once, when Khadija's sister Hala came to visit the Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wasallam, and called from outside for permission to enter, he trembled, being reminded of Khadija, for the two sisters had very similar voices. 'It must be Hala,' he said. Aisha said, 'Why do you keep thinking of that elderly woman who has been dead for so long, when Allah has given you such good wives?' 'No, no, no' the Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wasallam answered, 'I was given no finer wife than her. She believed in me when everyone else belied me; when they denied me, she became a Muslim; when no one would help me, she was my help. I had my children from her.' And he asserted, 'Allah gave me my love for her'
After that Aisha resolved never to take hurt from Khadija's memory.
How beautiful! Our beloved Prophet.
" 'Whom shall I appeal to?' He askes her one day, during one of the long conversations that they had each time the angel Gabriel appeared to him. 'Who will believe in me?' Happy to see that he no longer doubted his new mission, Khadija exclaimed, 'At least you can call on me before all others. For I believe in you!' The Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wassallam was very joyful, and recited the shahada to Khadija, and Khadija believed"
He never took another wife while she lived, and even after her death he never forgot her or ceased to love her. Their marriage had lasted twenty-five years. There are several touching traditions which show the Prophet Sallahi Walaihi being deeply affected and moved to tears when he heard her sister Hala's voice, which sounded so much like hers, or saw something which had once belonged to her.
Aisha Radi Allahu Anhu recorded : 'Although I had never met Khadija, I was never more jealous of anyone than her.' Once, when Khadija's sister Hala came to visit the Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wasallam, and called from outside for permission to enter, he trembled, being reminded of Khadija, for the two sisters had very similar voices. 'It must be Hala,' he said. Aisha said, 'Why do you keep thinking of that elderly woman who has been dead for so long, when Allah has given you such good wives?' 'No, no, no' the Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wasallam answered, 'I was given no finer wife than her. She believed in me when everyone else belied me; when they denied me, she became a Muslim; when no one would help me, she was my help. I had my children from her.' And he asserted, 'Allah gave me my love for her'
After that Aisha resolved never to take hurt from Khadija's memory.
How beautiful! Our beloved Prophet.
Stubborn
So stubborn. Well, so am I. I have a strong urge to give them a ":P" but I'll refrain, I always do.
Flashes of their words
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I just had a flash of something they said, happens all the time. I remember once, they told me they just had to tell me something; and then they said those three words and they thanked me for making them happy. You know, it was a random moment, we weren't even conversing then. It was one of the most beautiful things they did or said. It makes me wonder if I had appreciated it enough. It was just SO loving and sweet and I was touched.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Waiting
I wait, wait and wait to hear from them. It doesn't ache nor does it hurt. It's a prolonged perpetual waiting. I wait for that little icon on my phone screen, I wait for that flash of red light indicating new mail. I take the phone in my hands expectantly and I put it down, and then I take it again and put it down again. Expectance. One is better off without it.
The other day's question mark "?" made my day. It still brings a smile on my face.
And now I wait. For another smile or a question mark or maybe even an exclamation point "!" !!
The other day's question mark "?" made my day. It still brings a smile on my face.
And now I wait. For another smile or a question mark or maybe even an exclamation point "!" !!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Time
Time. I can never keep to time. I am never on time. I can never keep a scehdule and stick to it. I can never sleep early. Somehow, for no reason I end up staying up real late and therefore I wake up late. Alhamdulillah, most of the time I manage to wake for Fajr and sleep soon after the prayer, sometimes after a bit of Quran recitation. But I can't keep going with this. I need to keep to time. Idleness-my BIG enemy. What do I do to get rid of it? There is so much to do and there is so little time, I can't goof around like I used to. I take up so much time to do anything and everything. The weird thing is, I could change if I tried. So then why don't I?
I'm a fast runner. When my friends and I take strolls around our school grounds, I used to pull them all to race with me, and I would win everytime, inspite of the others being slim and tall; figures better suited for athletics. Hmm, maybe I could race Slave of the All-knowing one day, insha Allah, that would be cool, I would beat them big time!
Time- as I was saying, I can't afford to let it go by, must make use of it. GOT TO.
Having a Blackberry is a problem. I tend to browse in it whenever my hands are free, especially now, what with the blogging and facebook. I'm addicted to this little gadget.
Insha Allah, I pledge to go to sleep early tonight. 11:00 pm at the latest. And insha Allah, I'll wake for Fajr, pray, recite Quran and do productive things all day. Insha Allah. Allah be with me. Ameen.
I'm a fast runner. When my friends and I take strolls around our school grounds, I used to pull them all to race with me, and I would win everytime, inspite of the others being slim and tall; figures better suited for athletics. Hmm, maybe I could race Slave of the All-knowing one day, insha Allah, that would be cool, I would beat them big time!
Time- as I was saying, I can't afford to let it go by, must make use of it. GOT TO.
Having a Blackberry is a problem. I tend to browse in it whenever my hands are free, especially now, what with the blogging and facebook. I'm addicted to this little gadget.
Insha Allah, I pledge to go to sleep early tonight. 11:00 pm at the latest. And insha Allah, I'll wake for Fajr, pray, recite Quran and do productive things all day. Insha Allah. Allah be with me. Ameen.
What is Cool?
Who determines what cool is? Why do people try so hard to be cool? And the wrong presumption of cool. Cool is not listening to Avril Lavigne on your ipod. Cool is not wearing black bands on your hands or wearing kohl. Cool is not saying LMAO or S**t or the F word. Cool is not having a boyfriend. Cool is not putting your exposed pictures on social-networking sites. Cool is not having a crush on Justin Bieber and sticking his poster on your wall. That aint cool. It isn't even acceptable. Especially from a Muslimah.
Trust me when I say it, because I've been there, done that, and it wasn't the least bit cool. In fact it was lame. I have had my days of music and hollywood. It may seem fun.But what fun can it be when the Noor in your heart was fading because of it? How can we find happiness in that when we were going farther away from Allah by that? People think music and entertainments makes them happy. They are far from truth. Perhaps we do feel light headed, but deep down we feel constricted, like something is missing. True happiness lies only in obedience to Allah.
Being cool is not being what the world wants you to be. The world expects that from you, it demands such behaviour from you, when the magazine shows a picture of Taylor Lautner saying 'Cute', they expect you to fall over it. So turn your back on it, avert your gaze. So what is cool? There's a page on Facebook called "The cool kids pray 5 times a day"; now that's cool. Cool is being the best you can. Cool is Decency. Cool is that guy with thick beard and pants way above his ankles. Cool is that girl observing proper hijab both inwardly and outwardly. Cool is when you can give a Hadith on any matter. Cool is when you can recite Quran with understanding. LMHO-laughing my hijab off, isn't that cool? I had shared that with Slave of the All-knowing. They found it funny!
Be yourself and try to be better everyday, that's the right kind of cool. I wanna be cool. Insha Allah. So who's with me?
Trust me when I say it, because I've been there, done that, and it wasn't the least bit cool. In fact it was lame. I have had my days of music and hollywood. It may seem fun.But what fun can it be when the Noor in your heart was fading because of it? How can we find happiness in that when we were going farther away from Allah by that? People think music and entertainments makes them happy. They are far from truth. Perhaps we do feel light headed, but deep down we feel constricted, like something is missing. True happiness lies only in obedience to Allah.
Being cool is not being what the world wants you to be. The world expects that from you, it demands such behaviour from you, when the magazine shows a picture of Taylor Lautner saying 'Cute', they expect you to fall over it. So turn your back on it, avert your gaze. So what is cool? There's a page on Facebook called "The cool kids pray 5 times a day"; now that's cool. Cool is being the best you can. Cool is Decency. Cool is that guy with thick beard and pants way above his ankles. Cool is that girl observing proper hijab both inwardly and outwardly. Cool is when you can give a Hadith on any matter. Cool is when you can recite Quran with understanding. LMHO-laughing my hijab off, isn't that cool? I had shared that with Slave of the All-knowing. They found it funny!
Be yourself and try to be better everyday, that's the right kind of cool. I wanna be cool. Insha Allah. So who's with me?
Cant stop laughing
I just had THE BEST conversation with Slave of the All-knowing. It went like this:
:)
Lol
Wat?
?
?
LOL
I can't stop laughing at that! How funny. Aw,I love them.
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:)
Lol
Wat?
?
?
LOL
I can't stop laughing at that! How funny. Aw,I love them.
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Sunday, October 3, 2010
They smiled
Did I tell you? They gave me a smile a yesterday. A ":)". And I LOL'd. They humour me. What were they thinking? I wonder. Did they miss me? Or were they just being nice, staying in touch with me? Or were they just letting me know that they are there and they care?
How I wish I had the answers.
I wonder if they did it for me, they needn't have. I'm happy right now. I wish I could let them know that, so they don't have to give in, for me. Turning to Allah helped. Putting my trust in Allah always helps. Alhamdulillah.
Isn't it funny that I'm incapable of showing anger or sadness to them? I had written a few lines in comparison to that way that I feel. Its quite funny, imaginative.
Here I quote them:
"My arms at the ready, I prepare to fight;
I wait for my opponent, my hands clenched tight,
But I see their face, my grip loosen,
My rage melt, as toward me they hasten
And then they smile and all's lost.
My very knees weaken and I can't but surrender"
How I wish I had the answers.
I wonder if they did it for me, they needn't have. I'm happy right now. I wish I could let them know that, so they don't have to give in, for me. Turning to Allah helped. Putting my trust in Allah always helps. Alhamdulillah.
Isn't it funny that I'm incapable of showing anger or sadness to them? I had written a few lines in comparison to that way that I feel. Its quite funny, imaginative.
Here I quote them:
"My arms at the ready, I prepare to fight;
I wait for my opponent, my hands clenched tight,
But I see their face, my grip loosen,
My rage melt, as toward me they hasten
And then they smile and all's lost.
My very knees weaken and I can't but surrender"
Reading my Diary
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I was just reading my old journal-my diary, and God I used to be such a drama queen! It makes me feel so good and thankful to Allah, to notice that I have changed. Alhamdulillah, I have changed. I'm a better person now. Yesterday I read a quote 'Your words reflect who you are inside'. I have written in my diary about music, about fictions and rude things about my family and friends-these things occupies most pages but I have also written good things, I have thanked Allah over and over and I have written about the guilt that I felt from all the TV and music. I tore off a lot pages and chucked them. I don't want anyone to ever read those things! Too much talk without the mention of Allah is not good for the heart. Now masha Allah, I notice that most of the things that I write, center around my Deen, before it didn't used to be that way. And I thank Allah for guiding me, helping me reach this level, insha Allah, I will continue to be better, with my family and Slave of the All-knowing by my side.
But it is quite entertaining to read your diary, some of the things I had completely forgotten, and it feels great to go back to those days and relive your memories.
I used to be so obsessed about my figure! I still think I am fat,I am fat, but Alhamdulillah I'm not obsessed about it anymore. I wanna be slim, but I don't hate the way I am-Thanks to Allah.
I can't believe the rude things that I wrote about people! Asthafirullah. Thank Allah nobody had the chance to read it! They may have been true, or maybe it was my anger at the time which made me write it, but it was still wrong of me. These days I refrain from writing negative things about people altogether-be it in my journal or diary or blog. And if I did, I wouldn't mention their name.
Whew. I'm so glad I have changed. What a typical teen I was?! Still a teen, FYI. Only with a higher degree of maturity.
Lacking in Self-confidence
How can I be self-confident? I'm a person who is naturally shy and I'm always self-concious. At a time like now, for reasons I'd rather not say, I'm a 100 times more self-concious and I'm lacking self-confidence. I go to party and I get butterflies in my tummy, I feel people's eyes on me and all I wanna do is get it over with ASAP.
But I need self-confidence now. The lack of it makes me nervous, tense and edgy. I once read an article, a real life story about a girl who was always made fun of her nose; and the girl was always bothered by it and she always thought something was wrong with her nose and everytime she looked in the mirror, she would see that, the girl with misshapen nose untill ome day she looked in the mirror and saw A Slave of Allah. That was quite a read for me, I had so much to learn from it. I wish I could be like that, I wish I could look in my mirror and see the Servant of Allah that I am. But I see a lot more, I see my defaults and I worry over them. I'm not being ungrateful to Allah Subhanata'ala nor am I dissatisfied in anything He has or hasn't given me.Alhamdulillah. But it is important to me that I look beautiful, because I have someone to please and I want them to be content in me. Insha Allah. It is a worry that taunts me night and day, and I haven't a clue of what to do about it except make Dua. Dua, Dua, more Dua and patience.
Never have I been this jealous of those women in the media, never have I hated the media like this before. I'm jealous of their beauty, of what appears as their beauty, I know I ought not to be, but I'm after all and 18 year old girl wanting to look beautiful to that only person she may look beautiful to.
So where do I get a bit of self-confidence? Actually, not a bit, a LOT of self-confidence.
I'll just put my trust in ALLAH.
But I need self-confidence now. The lack of it makes me nervous, tense and edgy. I once read an article, a real life story about a girl who was always made fun of her nose; and the girl was always bothered by it and she always thought something was wrong with her nose and everytime she looked in the mirror, she would see that, the girl with misshapen nose untill ome day she looked in the mirror and saw A Slave of Allah. That was quite a read for me, I had so much to learn from it. I wish I could be like that, I wish I could look in my mirror and see the Servant of Allah that I am. But I see a lot more, I see my defaults and I worry over them. I'm not being ungrateful to Allah Subhanata'ala nor am I dissatisfied in anything He has or hasn't given me.Alhamdulillah. But it is important to me that I look beautiful, because I have someone to please and I want them to be content in me. Insha Allah. It is a worry that taunts me night and day, and I haven't a clue of what to do about it except make Dua. Dua, Dua, more Dua and patience.
Never have I been this jealous of those women in the media, never have I hated the media like this before. I'm jealous of their beauty, of what appears as their beauty, I know I ought not to be, but I'm after all and 18 year old girl wanting to look beautiful to that only person she may look beautiful to.
So where do I get a bit of self-confidence? Actually, not a bit, a LOT of self-confidence.
I'll just put my trust in ALLAH.
Phase 3
Alhamdulillah. I believe I have now reached Phase 3, which in other words means back to normal. I'm my usual selves. Happy. I can breathe, talk, smile and laugh my hearty laugh. I look back into the days when I felt broken and I think what on earth was the matter with me?! Silly me.
Except for the mornings. When I wake up, I somehow miss them like crazy and then as the day starts it gets better.
I'm starting to think maybe my love for Allah is weak. If it was strong then I wouldn't have been like how I was, if my heart was filled with my love and fear of Allah then perhaps no other love would matter to me. Maybe that's what I need. An Iman and Taqwa boost. Insha Allah, I gotta work on it. Because I can't let that happen again, I can't afford to be shattered again. But maybe its just me and how I am. I remember having similar feelings about 2 years back when my mom and dad went to abudhabi and I was home with my brother, I remember being broken then, because I missed mom so bad and I needed her, her presence in the house. I remember using words like 'lifeless' 'soulless' in my journal entries of the time, the drama queen that I am. But I'm sure I must have felt that way back then, I did.
Except for the mornings. When I wake up, I somehow miss them like crazy and then as the day starts it gets better.
I'm starting to think maybe my love for Allah is weak. If it was strong then I wouldn't have been like how I was, if my heart was filled with my love and fear of Allah then perhaps no other love would matter to me. Maybe that's what I need. An Iman and Taqwa boost. Insha Allah, I gotta work on it. Because I can't let that happen again, I can't afford to be shattered again. But maybe its just me and how I am. I remember having similar feelings about 2 years back when my mom and dad went to abudhabi and I was home with my brother, I remember being broken then, because I missed mom so bad and I needed her, her presence in the house. I remember using words like 'lifeless' 'soulless' in my journal entries of the time, the drama queen that I am. But I'm sure I must have felt that way back then, I did.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Things to do before marriage, insha Allah
Tonight, while I was in car, travelling, I made a few Niyats. I made Niyat insha Allah, to work harder on the things I have to do before marriage. I had prepared a list, starting from 'Getting closer to Allah and increasing Ibadah, to things like 'Learn cooking and arabic' and things like 'Excercise patience and maintain Hayaa in speech and behavior'. There are a lot more items on the list, trust me, not all of them have to be mentioned here. Insha Allah. May Allah help me fulfill those things. I also made a Niyat to make the best use of my time home, make the most of my singledom, as one of my best friends recently adviced. Insha Allah.
I pray that Allah will be with me. Ameen.
I pray that Allah will be with me. Ameen.
Starring in my dreams
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They have been starring in my dreams every night these days. I rarely ever remember my dreams, sometimes I would remember them vaguely, and I remember that they were in my dream or it was about them. My dreams about them was always close to the reality that I have with them, except for maybe three times, those dreams were different. And I had one of those, last night was it? I couldn't be sure, maybe the night before. But dream I did.
Strange. Even subconsciously I'm thinking about them.
I smile
I heard from them, again. Only this time, it wasn't a response to my desperate pleads, because I had stopped pleading and calling their name in my head. Every time I see that little icon on my phone, I hope against all possibilities that it's them, and when I see it isn't, disappointment washes over me. Although today, I was sure that it wasn't them, I was ready to embrace the disappointment, but to my surprise, it's them.
And I smile my biggest smile. I smile because it was so different from last time. I smile because I'm no longer hurting.
All praises be to Allah.
And I smile my biggest smile. I smile because it was so different from last time. I smile because I'm no longer hurting.
All praises be to Allah.
Friday, October 1, 2010
More Reflection
"Detatchment (from the Dunya) is not that you should own nothing but that nothing should own you."
-Ali Radi Allahu Anhu
Just read this quote on www.igotitcovered.com. Masha Allah, one of my favorite websites, truly beautiful.
Reflecting on the quote: I own many things. Does anything own me? I'm sure nothing material owns me, not even food. Alhamdulillah, I eat very little comparatively, I have no idea why I'm fat. Anyway, so Alhamdulillah, I'm not attatched to anything material but I think I'm attached to people. I need their love. I need their presence and I need to stay connected to them. My mother, the foremost of these people. I need her and she needs me. My father, my brothers, my family, I need them all. And you are well aware of my need for Slave of the All-knowing. But do they own me? No. I'm firm. Nobody owns me, but Allah, my Creator.
But I tend to love Slave of All-knowing a little too much, so much that I just can't say No to them and I would go to various lengths to please them because I want them to be content in me, but they deserve it, and that is how I should be. That is obeying Allah. Insha Allah.
-Ali Radi Allahu Anhu
Just read this quote on www.igotitcovered.com. Masha Allah, one of my favorite websites, truly beautiful.
Reflecting on the quote: I own many things. Does anything own me? I'm sure nothing material owns me, not even food. Alhamdulillah, I eat very little comparatively, I have no idea why I'm fat. Anyway, so Alhamdulillah, I'm not attatched to anything material but I think I'm attached to people. I need their love. I need their presence and I need to stay connected to them. My mother, the foremost of these people. I need her and she needs me. My father, my brothers, my family, I need them all. And you are well aware of my need for Slave of the All-knowing. But do they own me? No. I'm firm. Nobody owns me, but Allah, my Creator.
But I tend to love Slave of All-knowing a little too much, so much that I just can't say No to them and I would go to various lengths to please them because I want them to be content in me, but they deserve it, and that is how I should be. That is obeying Allah. Insha Allah.
Imitating the West
Hair down, tight jeans, crappy shoes and a freakishly odd looking top-and they think they're on top of the world! Whatever happened to femininity? Whatever happened to the grace, gentleness and beauty that was always attributed to women?! Admittedly yes, some of them are beautiful, but the others-seriously what are they thinking? That if they dress like that and carry themselves as if they were owners of the planet that they can be Somebody? I mean, isn't there like a limit to impersonation and imitation of the west? What's so great about the West anyway? Sure the Indian women can wear jeans, and the men can wear converse all they want, but surely, they can't grow blonde hair on their heads? Or colour their eyes blue? Guys and Girls every where. They think it's cool. But it's SO NOT. What different idea of Cool they have. Grace is the right kind of Cool.
It is quite disheartening to notice that the once so beautiful Indian Culture is perishing or rather transforming to a pathetic imitation of the west. So if this is how India has become, I dread to think how worse the west have gotten. I like to imagine someone like Gandhiki or Nehru seeing these people-the Indian youth-they'll probably faint!
Well maybe it's wrong of me to just get mad at the Indian youth for imitating the west. The arabs are no different, I have seen even Grandmothers wearing jeans beneath their Abaya. And the chinese or japanese or whoever-all look up to the west. But I think it's just the Indians who are blindly imitating the west. Or so i believe.
Walking through the streets of this place and I'm thinking about the Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wassallam's words - "Women will be wearing clothes, but not wearing clothes". SubhanaAllah, That is exactly the case.
And their english! Ugh. It just bugs me like crazy! To listen to them, with that increasingly annoying tone and accent. Thank Allah- I do not have that Indian touch to my english by some miracle. And why are they always speaking english? You know like ALWAYS. Maddeningly so. To show off undoubtedly. But why is English language treated as something to be showed off? I never understood that. Crazy people.
Learn to speak arabic. Then you have something to show off. And yet, my Slave of the All-knowing never showed off with it. Masha Allah, I love their modesty.
English is easy peasy. The language is a piece of cake, adhering to its rules is perhaps tough.
By the way, I wear jeans, and I wear converse and I intend no offence to English language, in fact I love it and I'm in fact a BA English student.
May Allah Subhanata'ala save my Nation from corruption. Ameen.
It is quite disheartening to notice that the once so beautiful Indian Culture is perishing or rather transforming to a pathetic imitation of the west. So if this is how India has become, I dread to think how worse the west have gotten. I like to imagine someone like Gandhiki or Nehru seeing these people-the Indian youth-they'll probably faint!
Well maybe it's wrong of me to just get mad at the Indian youth for imitating the west. The arabs are no different, I have seen even Grandmothers wearing jeans beneath their Abaya. And the chinese or japanese or whoever-all look up to the west. But I think it's just the Indians who are blindly imitating the west. Or so i believe.
Walking through the streets of this place and I'm thinking about the Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wassallam's words - "Women will be wearing clothes, but not wearing clothes". SubhanaAllah, That is exactly the case.
And their english! Ugh. It just bugs me like crazy! To listen to them, with that increasingly annoying tone and accent. Thank Allah- I do not have that Indian touch to my english by some miracle. And why are they always speaking english? You know like ALWAYS. Maddeningly so. To show off undoubtedly. But why is English language treated as something to be showed off? I never understood that. Crazy people.
Learn to speak arabic. Then you have something to show off. And yet, my Slave of the All-knowing never showed off with it. Masha Allah, I love their modesty.
English is easy peasy. The language is a piece of cake, adhering to its rules is perhaps tough.
By the way, I wear jeans, and I wear converse and I intend no offence to English language, in fact I love it and I'm in fact a BA English student.
May Allah Subhanata'ala save my Nation from corruption. Ameen.
October
60 days from today, 61 to be exact. Too long in some ways, too short in other ways. Insha Allah.
Allah only knows how I can get through. Ya Allah make it easy for me. Help me make the best use of my time, make my heart turn to you and enlighten it with noor-Ameen.
Allah only knows how I can get through. Ya Allah make it easy for me. Help me make the best use of my time, make my heart turn to you and enlighten it with noor-Ameen.
Niqabis
Niqabis- they are so beautiful. I totally adore and respect them. There is so much grace and modesty and dignity in that beautiful attire. There are many of them in here, and each time one passes by I gawk at them with so much respect and adoration. Insha Allah, I aspire to become a niqabi. So what's keeping me? And to that I have no answer. Wordly pleasures; maybe that's an answer.
Phase 2
I'm past hurting like crazy and now its just the pain of missing them-phase 2.
I miss them like crazy. Not hearing from them is the hardest thing. Not being able to look forward to hearing from them hurts so bad.
I hate not knowing what they are up to. I hate not being able to tell then what I'm up to.
But Alhamdulillah, atleast I don't feel broken and shattered anymore. I'm whole, pretty close to being happy.
But I cried even this morning. I must be crazy. I am. About them.
I miss them like crazy. Not hearing from them is the hardest thing. Not being able to look forward to hearing from them hurts so bad.
I hate not knowing what they are up to. I hate not being able to tell then what I'm up to.
But Alhamdulillah, atleast I don't feel broken and shattered anymore. I'm whole, pretty close to being happy.
But I cried even this morning. I must be crazy. I am. About them.
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