Patience

I wondered yesterday if I'll be rewarded by Allah if I kept silent about my needs and wants, if I didn't demand them. And I thought, I would, insha Allah. Because it is being patient. And patience will be rewarded by Allah. Patience is an invaluable virtue. And it's a comforting thought.

Some little things when done would mean a lot to me. Some little things can hurt a lot. The little things that we do.

I know I'm not making much sense. I just wanna take it all out, all my random thoughts. Frustration.

Not to mention how incredibly bored I am.

Dream come true

Made a lot of friends here, Alhamdulillah. And I remembered, when I looked at my lil cousin brothers' class photo, I felt such awe to see so many students of different nationalities and races together in one class. It was simply amazing to me. Cause all my life, I have studied in India and you know my classmates are all the same, black hair, black iris, pretty much the same complexion. Indians. And the friends I made here, plus the girls at yesterdays party were were all from different countries. And they were all so different, the way they dressed, the way they wore their hijab, the way they talked, their hair, skin, eyes. Subhana Allah, beautiful. And I came home and thought, this is like a dream come true. I always wanted to be somewhere like that. With people of different races, it's been a dream to make friends with people like that. And Alhamdulillah, here I am fulfilling that dream.

A break from the usual tear stories huh? Sorry I've been so gloomy lately.

Well this is my blog, and I write what I feel like. I write cause it feels like I'm emptying my mind and that's good for me.

Being a wife

Married. Away from home. Living with husband. Being a wife. Or at least as wifey as I can.

Alhamdulillah. It's good. I'm so much better off than I thought I would be. Thanks to Allah Subhanata'ala, thanks to him, my husband. Allah and his love is my strenght right now. May it always be insha Allah.

There is a lot more responsibilities. A lot of getting used-to. More work than I ever did in my life. But hey, this is life. It aint easy. But Alhamdulillah, I'm happy. The pain of missing my mother, father, family, home, the person I used to be, that's there. But somehow, that feeling is not so prominent. It's there, somewhere in the bottom. And I weep or cry when it resurfaces, like I did a few minutes ago. But otherwise, I'm happy.

Appreciation. That's one important thing that everybody needs. He appreciates what I do, Alhamdulillah. But some people on the other hand are like 'You need to be happy, not sad' and 'I miss my mother too, but I live with it'. Words like that anger me so much that it makes me cry, a lot. How many 18 year-olds would do what I am doing? Not many. So a little bit of apreciation for what I am doing would be greatly apreciated instead of infuriating words as above.

Missing

I missed you more today mom. Wept several times. I wish I could tell you how much I miss you, how much I'm hurting just so you know that I'm thinking about you and missing you just as badly as you miss me.

Can't even bare to look at cute baby stuff. Everytime I see them our little girl's name is on my lips, and her innocent smiling face fills my head. She smiles at me for no reason, almost as if she just wanted to make me happy. I miss you so bad sweetsie.

There's so much to miss these days. My mom. My dad. My brothers. My sister-in-law. My baby niece. My Husband. I hope having him by my side will make things different, insha Allah. His love should heal me. Insha Allah. I miss my home. I miss everything about it. My awesome morning coffee. The fridge. The rugs. Everything.

I miss being me. I'm not me anymore; or so it feels. I seem to have left the real me back home. This me is different. She barely talks. She hasn't had a hearty laugh in what feels like ages.

I need to laugh. I need to sing. I need to speak up. I need to be me. This mask is suffocating me.

And here I go with endless gloominess again. Asthafirullah.

Perhaps I'll be able to post cheery stuff in the upcoming posts. Insha Allah.

Everbody faces it

I rush into the empty room. I needed to cry. I cried. I wanna see my mom. Umma. My umma. Your love means the world to me. I missed you so much today. Umma. I wish I could see you. Be with you. Hear your voice. Watch you smile. I need you mom.

Had a little shopping trip with my Mother-in-law. I missed my mom there so much. The endless shopping I had with mom. The endless car trips that I went with my family. Long car journeys, that was our speciality. I missed being with my family. The pain was tugging at my insides in the car and I was hurting but nobody knew, except Allah. Allah knows.

The supermarket had a rack lined with catfood. Reminded of me of the times I would insistently take a pack for my cats while my dad or brother protested. Reminded me of my long gone Fliss. My milky should be missing me now.

Him not being with me makes things all the more gloomy. Not hearing from him, well you know what that feels like. But I don't understand why I still don't hear from him enough.

They say everybody has to go through this, at least every girl. Getting married and going away from family. But the fact that every girl has to go through this doesn't make this less painful. Everybody has to go through puberty, that doesn't make it any less difficult. That could be the lamest assurance one can give "Everybody faces it". But Everybody is different. And hence this thing that everybody goes through is varying degrees of painful for each of them. To someone like me, it's a rather higher degree of painful.

This place is full of lizards. It's rather ironic. One of the ways I'm being tested.

Understanding

Sometimes what you need the most is a little bit of understanding. A little respect for how you feel. Somebody to say; "It's okay, I understand how you feel". It can hurt real bad when that understanding is not there. When somebody is so demanding that their need becomes their only concern. Understandable. But not less hurting.

Modesty is a part of me. I'm so shy that I have been married for over a week and I still can't speak to my Husband right. Doing some things makes me feel like I'm being stripped off my modesty.

I cried. Lots. I'm extra weepy these days. Lack of concern and understanding. Lack of respect for my shyness. Forcefulness. Threat. Was all too much for me. I cried to Allah. HasbiyAllah.

Patience. What's life when it's easy? I keep thinking.

In the morning. I was feeling just about the same. Angrier.

After a while though. Whoosh. All gone. A heartfelt apology can mean a lot.

I was made to cry twice yesterday. The first time, it hurt so bad. Somebody as good as called me fat. If it were anybody else, I wouldn't have cared a bit. But not from this person.

Allah be with me. Help me Allah.

Cry

More blurred days have passed. The days were blurred. The nights weren't.

Mom's face punches a whole in my chest. But otherwise I'm fine, happy, All praises be to Allah.

I cry hugging my legs.

I wanna go upstairs and cry again. If I were at home, I would have broken down right here. But I am not. I'm with my husband and my father-in-law in their computer room. I must go upstairs to cry without them noticing.

I didn't get to see my little princess today. Sweetsie, Poksie, Ammayi's baby, the names I have for her. I'll miss you so bad shweets. Sorry I didn't say bye to you.

Blur

The days are down to zero. I am married. Alhamdulillah Shukr. I am a wife. The past days were all but a blur. I remember feeling nervous. I remember feeling good. I remember crying my eyes and heart out, hugging my Mother tight, lying with her the night before my wedding day. I remember feeling anxious. I remember the feel of my chilled hands at the time of the Nikah. I remember feeling relaxed after I saw them and they said salam and shook my hand. I remember liking it being with them up on stage. I remember feeling extremely shy while I sat in car right next to them. But they took me by suprise yet again. Even their hands rubbing against mine has me breathless. I can't even smile at them inspite of wanting to so bad because of my shyness.

Alhamdulillah, I'm happier than I imagined I would be. I miss mom. I miss the faces of my family. I miss being the jovial carefree girl that I am at home. I miss home. Mom's food. The sweetness of our home.

It makes me uncomfortable when people are being a little too nice, but ignorance hurts.

Wept

Oh great, my brother tells them that I am not the least bit tensed. If only he knew!

But who cares about that when they asked of me! Oh to hear them say my name. And their laugh. Sweee-eet.

Was out at a Restaurant for dinner tonight, with everyone. And I have this problem, my skin heats up soon, and freezes soon too. So the air conditioner there I think was a little too cool and my hands were numb from it. So Umma was rubbing my hands and heating them for me. And I got thinking, after I'm married, insha Allah and I am out with my husband and his family who would be concerned about my numb hands? Who would rub them for me? I wouldn't even dare to say it or make it obvious in the first place. And then I thought about mom, how much I'll miss her and her, me. And I wept.

So I proved my brother's words wrong. I am tensed. I just am too busy to make it obvious.

Never again

Never in my life am I EVER waxing again. NEVER. Oh my GOD it hurt like mad!!!!! I tried so many thoughts to distract me from the pain, 'for my husband' 'to please my husband' 'for Allah' 'SubhanaAllah'. None could keep the pain away. I almost cried like a baby. I tried thinking, if I can't bear this, how am I gonna give birth to babies Insha Allah? I tried thinking, even the prick of a thorn will not go as waste if borne with patience. Even the prick of a thorn. Still couldn't distract me.

Feels like a gaping hole was punched right through the centre of my Hayaa.

The things I do for them. Insha Allah, I just hope it will all pay off, I know that Allah knows my only intention.

Regrets

Do you know one of the craziest love things I do? Some nights before I sleep, I go to my album in my blackberry and I view one of their pictures and I keep like that so that when I wake up and check my phone for time or messages (which is what I do when I wake) I can wake to their smiling face, them smiling at me. It really gives me a nice feeling because by morning I will have forgotten all about it and I press some buttons on my phone expecting new mail or something but it's their picture that I see. Makes me smile. Crazy, I know.

You know that feeling you get when you have reached the end of school year and you feel like so many things have been left undone and you regret it all. I have that feeling. That feeling that I have left so many things undone for my parents. Thanks to Allah, I have always been able to be a good daughter to them, may Allah always make me so, Ameen, but I could have been better. I should have. So many of my Mom's dreams and wishes are not fulfilled because of me. Because of my lack of interest, my insincerity. May Mom forgive me. And all those times I could have spend with them, making them happy. All those little favours that I could have done, like the tea I made this morning. All those times I sat amongst them with my hands glued to my phone, how infuriating must that have been?

Regrets. Regrets and more regrets.

Do you know how amazing it is when Mom and Dad playfully argues over me? Saying "she's my daughter" "No, she's my daughter". It's the best feeling. Happened even this morning. Alhamdulillah.

May Allah Subhanata'la help me the best daughter to my parents. May Allah help me fulfill their wishes. Ameen.

Beautiful day

Prayed Fajr. Recited Quran. Napped. Breakfast. Shower and then Al-kahf. Alhamdulillah it's been productive so far, beautiful day. I had to go to my school today to invite my teachers and some juniors for the wedding so I thought I'll skip Al-Kahf this Friday because i thought I wouldnt have time but then i thought, this is the week that I'll need the blessing from reading Al-kahf the most, that light that will be with me from this Friday till next because Insha Allah I'm getting married this Thursday. Wow. That's just 5 days away. Do you believe it? 5 days! 5 days. Ya Allah. 5*24=120. 120 hours, approximately, add some more.

So I went to school and I am so glad I did. Alhamdulillah. My teachers were all so pleased. I was SO happy that my high school biology teacher remembered my name! I was great at biology but I was never that much of an active student in her class that it came as a surprise. And my high school English teacher, she was like so stunned! She said in her mind she can only think of me as her 14 year old student, she couldn't believe I was getting married. Same goes for a bunch of other teachers. Most of them said they'll come for sure, insha Allah and that made me even more happy.

And my juniors. They were staring at me like anything! Must have something to do with the fact that I was wearing shocking pink with purple, and amongst too many navy blues that's not hard to miss. And some of them were so happy to see me, and I invited them too. One of them said I have become a 'Gundu' which means FAT. Tut. What a nice thing to say to someone about to get married. Yeah, I really needed to hear that. But honestly, couldn't care less.

Anyway beautiful day. Alhamdulillah.

Miss them though. I almost gave them a ring this morning. It might have even been connected. Guess they are too busy with their arab friends and wedding things. Where can the fiancé fit in? LOL. I better be somewhere in a corner of their head.

Jealous and don't wanna be

Miss them so bad, that I'm hurting, it's making me sad, making me wanna cry and they don't even know it. Worse, they seem to think I do not miss them.

My brother and his fiancé aren't helping. But I don't wanna be jealous and cause to keep them from having their fun. But what can I do? I am a woman, and I have my issues; jealousy being one of the top 10. But I shouldn't be, cause I don't wanna come between them even if it might be for good, I know how much I had wanted it, I know how it feels, been there, done that...

I have to hear their voice. O mother call them already! Please.

A week

Just 7 days now. Insha Allah. A week.

I feel like I am not spending enough time with my family. My time is just running, slipping away through my fingers while I desperately try to hold it in my palms. I am missing my mom already. We are both so busy with wedding preparation that I hardly get to spend any time with her.

Where is productivity? I need to chuck this idleness that holds me prisoner! O Allah, help me use my time wisely! Ameen. I have to wake up early, I have to sleep. I must sleep this moment.

The other day, my friends caught me laughing a little too late to some joke and they were teasing me about day dreaming. So sometimes I do daydream. But that's not all I do. Marriage is not that simple. It is not like my friends seem to think, you get your spouse, someone to love. Its not that alone. Marriage is big. It is a huge responsibility. It is half the Deen, that alone determines how important marriage is. So often when I'm lost in my own thoughts, I'm not just fantasizing about my life with my husband. I think of so many other things. I think of how I'll be a good wife, living by the commandments of Allah. I worry if I'll rise to my husband's expectations. I think of missing my mom, my dad, family and home. I think of pleasing my in-laws. I imagine how I'll behave to the new people in the new place, new atmosphere. I make mental notes of To-do's and Don't' Do's. Smile. Be kind. Talk properly and clearly. Mention the name of Allah a lot. Don't cry. Don't get angry. Don't be tense. Put your trust in Allah. Allah loves those who put their trust in him. Marriage isn't an end to all fun either, as most people think. If the Prophet SAW said that the best Provision of this world is a righteous wife, then you can imagine how fulfilling it is to have a virtous wife and same goes for a virtous man. I felt like telling all this to them when they teased me, but of course I didn't.

Miss you SO bad these days. I almost wept thinking about you. And I can't even tell you how much I miss you.

Halal magic

So the other day, at that friends' pre-nikah dinner, two friends were looking through the pictures on my phone and they saw some of my doodle art pictures that I did in class, and all of them were...you know...hearts and their name and those 3 words and my friend was like "oh I had the fortune of seeing you say 'I love you' to someone!!". LOL.

So they think I can't love? They think I can't flirt? That's exactly what they think. How far they are from truth. They would flip if they knew what I'm capable of. I was always a true romantic at heart.

"You're the hardest girl not to marry". "You're the only girl I can't say No to."

That's me.

I can be bad. I am just waiting to be halal bad, to work my halal magic; as Mohammed Al-shareef said a scholar called it, on my man, the man Allah has decreed for me. Slave of the All-knowing. Insha Allah.

Halal magic, that truly is an awesome term for us women. Everyone of us can do it, this halal magic because Allah has given it to us, He has created us that way. We can influence men, it is like magic. When we use that gift on our husbands, it becomes halal magic.

Guess what? Once again, it has been proved that I'm not like other girls.

May Allah reward us both for all our Sabr and forgive our sins and grant us success in our marriage. Ameen.

Missing them

They ask why am I not missing them? What do they know huh? You, my blog, will stay as a proof to all that I felt. And I'm gonna make them read it from word to word, they owe me that much.insha Allah.

Only yesterday I was telling you I was missing them like Crazy!

They wanted me to be patient. This is me being patient. I still have ways which I can use to connect with them, but I don't, not because I don't want to, because I can't. And I imagine doing that so many times a day, twice or thrice I got really close to doing it. Whew. Glad I didn't though. I didn't chose this, it was an obligation. And I wouldn't chose this, if I had the choice, I'm not as strong as they are. But it would seem, I am better when it comes to patience, or am I?

I miss you everyday. If only you knew.

And you know me better than to think otherwise!

Crazy

Had the craziest day. Haven't slept a wink since fajr, washed clothes, gave away some old oness, met up with friends, went to a lot of friends' houses for wedding invites, had a great lunch from Asma (a hotel quite popular where I live). Alhamdulillah. Was pretty late when I got home and after a quickie shower I was flat on our sofa. Whew. Some day.

Guess what? My brother is engaged! Alhamdulillah. It was day before yesterday, the guy and the girl officially saw each other. And Alhamdulillah, each party gave assent. And you know, my brother sent his first mail to her (his fiancée) tonight and he showed it to us (my eldest brother and I have shown our first mails to our fiancés to our parents too)and OMG it was so embarassing to read it! I wish I could share with Slave of the All-knowing! They said we would work as a team, after my brother got engaged to tease him. I mean, this is the second time that I have realized that reading other people's love notes / mails is a really bad idea. It was sweet, admittedly and even good and nice, masha Allah. But hey, who knew this guy was capableof sweetness! Or flirting of all things! He wasn't flirting, of course but I couldn't help but notice a tiny hint of flirtation somewhere between the lines. Wow, this really does come off naturally huh? Like I said, the love that Allah has put between hearts is effortless.

And reading his mail, reminded me about their first mail for me and I read it again so that I can compare and I concluded that my Slave of the All-knowing is the best. And I read through so many others that followed that first mail. But doing this wasn't a good idea. I miss them like CRAZY right now.

12 days

Wow huh. 12 insha Allah. The day I was shuddering thinking 32 seems like yesterday. Where does time go?

Where are they now I wonder. Shopping. Am I in their thoughts? Do fantasies about me interrupt their train of thought as often as they do to me? Miss you. I am so curious these days. About them. How they will be with me. How we will be together. Our life together, insha Allah. Like garments. Companions. Finding tranquility and pleasure and happiness in each other. Oh Allah, I pray that it be that way, always. Ameen.

So much to do, so little time. My list of things to do before marriage is not even half complete.

I wanna hear from them so bad! It makes me kinda edgy and uncomfortable.

Why is it that you don't miss me? Just you wait till I'm with you, insha Allah.

Their laugh

I SO love their laugh. Heard them laugh a while back and I was laughing my selves my mouth kept open like anything! It's so sweet.

I wanna hear them laugh with me. I wanna make them laugh. Insha Allah. 14 days. Exaclty 2 weeks from today.

Eid

They wished everyone but me. and my 5 month old niece, but they didn't wish ME! How can they not? *pout*

A poke on facebook would have been better than nothing.

Last time I woke up to their "Eid Mubarak". Insha Allah, next Eid, I'm gonna wake up to a lot more.

Days are swishing by

The pre-wedding nervousness and tension and sadness is kicking in real hard now. My recurring thought is: I put my trust in Allah.

Just 15 more days. Insha Allah. Woah. Days are swishing by!

I'm scared. I have so many fears. I am the least bit confident. Allah please help me. There is no might and power except with you.

I will miss you too

Traveling again; like most times, I'm all consumed by my thoughts and my mom's face comes to my mind and I weep; unnoticed by those with me.

Mom. I can't imagine how she would feel without me. She will miss me so bad! And Dad, he loves me so unconditionally. I can't imagine. It pains me.

May Allah Subhanata'la make my dear mother and father strong and bold and strengthen their heart and mind with Noor and Taqwa. Ameen. May Allah make for my Parents a home in Paradise for they deserve it. Ameen.

I will miss you too. Insha Allah.

More Foolish Questions

So what if he's of bad character? That was a question raised tonight at a friend's pre-nikah dinner. She was opposed soon by another friend, who sided me. Of course the former was speaking in general terms and not specifically me.

How foolish. Why is it that they don't understand that you can only know a person once you start living with them? And what makes them think I'm completely clueless about this person I'm Insha Allah, getting married to? Like my friend argued, what makes them think that my parents will marry me off to some guy? Without learning enough?

People have affair for ages, and they realize there is a lot more to the person they fell in love with to that person they are married to and living with. Or say, one got to know their fiancé and learns that they are rather short tempered or rather possessive, does that mean that one can simply blow off the engagement just like that without valid reason?

No matter how much you learn about your to-be spouse; marriage will be marriage. Life will be life. Neither is Easy.

I say you go by the Hadiths. And put your trust in Allah. Leave the rest to Allah, you have done your part with His guidance, and then He will suffice, insha Allah.

So what I did was just smile and wave, (LOL, minus the wave) like the penguins in madasgcar. Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave.

There is no point in arguing or reasoning for me. My voice is drowned before I start to say 'Er'.

Proud of them

I can imagine a lot other people in the exact same situation as Slave of the All-Knowing and not one of them, I'm sure, would act like they did. Not one of them is strong enough to block such lowly desires. And that's why I know, masha Allah, that my Slave of the All-knowing is one of the most God-fearing people I know. Haya, that natural hurt feeling one has when committing a sin. They have it, masha Allah and not everybody does.

And so I'm proud of them. Alhamdulillah.

I miss you

I miss you.

Wedding blues? No. Reality.

Tonight, my mother tells me that my brother asked her, 'Mom, wondered what our home without her will be like?' And she said to him, 'No I haven't, it's better not to, don't think about it".

(The above passage is but a rough translation of the conversation in my mother tongue)

Not the first time that love made me cry. Sometimes I think that I would be easier for me, because I will insha Allah have a husband by my side, and everything will be new and I will be busy adjusting my selves to this new life. But what about my family? What about my Mother? They are home, without me. They see my stuff. They will constantly be reminded about me and. They would miss me. And that hurts me. It hurts me when they are hurt.

Wedding blues? No. Reality.

Let's face it. Things are not gonna be the same after marriage; especially for a girl. My whole priorities will change. I am to obey husband in every matter unless it is disobedience to Allah. I'm gonna leave my home and move into my husband's. I'm gonna have to stay apart from my family, my mother, my father. New responsibilities, duties. New people. It's a new life. Insha Allah.

Oh mom, I'm gonna miss you so. My umma. I love you. And no love would ever replace that mom. Uppa, I will miss you and I love you. My brothers. Sister-in-law and our little princess. You make me whole, all of you.

I wouldn't know how to bear the pain of leaving my home and family, of having the strength and capability of adapting to this new and very important role of a wife if I didn't know for sure with firm conviction that Allah Subhanata'ala will be with me. Insha Allah.

"Call upon me and I will respond." I call upon you Allah, you're the Provider, provide my family and me with happiness and strength. Ameen.

Slave of the All-knowing. You've got to love me. I trust you.

Hearing from the one you love

My heart might have literally leapt a few centimeters tonight.

Alhamdulillah

Missed them today. I was in the kitchen, clearing dishes and suddenly I remembered them and their love for me and I exclaimed "I miss him!" out loud! My sister-in-law was a door away from hearing me.

I look at my brother,wife and kid; I look at the things they do, and I wonder would I be like this? Would they be like this? Would I be hurt if they said that or did this? Or how would I act in a situation as such? And so on and so forth. Instantly I come up with answers, no we wouldn't be like this. Everybody is different, every relationship is different. I might be a little hurt if they said that or I would like it if they did this. And; no, I would act very differently in such a situation. And that's when I remember Allah. That's when I remember his blessings on me, when I remember how different I am from others around me, how differently Allah Subhanta'ala has created me. Alhamdulillahi Rabbil Aalameen! Thankyou Allah.

Haya. Modesty, shyness. Haya is a branch of Iman. Alhamdulillah, its a quality in built in me. Something that was with me for as far as I remember. It is not as simple as it sounds, haya is not raising your voice when men are present; be it mehram or non-mehram. Haya is that discomfort you have when your hijab slips a bit in the wind and shows your hair. Haya is not being able to decline a gift offered. Haya is being incapable of saying No to someone who asks you a favor. These are but a few instances. Haya is so much more. It is actually in built in most women, not so many in the contemporary society maybe.

Silence. The thing that doesn't bother me. The thing I resort to in most situations. I thank Allah abundantly for making me someone who usually guards her tongue and does not babble or talk without reason. Alhamdulillah. My mom tells me I have inherited my Gran's patience. SubhanaAllah, my patience couldn't be compared with that of my Gran's, but I know I am patient. If I react then you know things have been building up and I finally cracked, otherwise I am all but indifferent or I cry.

I thank Allah for my understanding of the Deen. Everyday I find myselves deep lost in the beauty of my Deen. Learning, reading and I am never tired of it. Alhamdulillah.

And Alhamdulillah for my good manners. For making me obedient, polite, kind and nice to my parents, family and people.

Allahumma barik alayhi. Alhamdulillah Shukr.

I am NOT boasting. It's true, honest. :D

Expectancy

Expectancy, my brother advised me about it yesterday. Do not expect anything from anybody, he said, not even a thankyou. Whatever you do, expect reward from Allah alone. It is quite a hard thing to achieve, to not expect anything from someone. Easier said than done. But this piece of advice is so invaluable. When you expect nothing and you get little things it would make you immensely happy and if you get nothing, you're not sad cause you didn't expect it anyway. I gotta learn to be that way. Insha Allah. Expectancy-one is better off without it.

Allah will reward you, insha Allah. That's all that matters. He misses nothing, and sees everything. The All-seer, The All-knowing. Not even the tiniest act of goodness or tiniest effort made from your part goes unnoticed by Allah "then whoever does an atom's weight of good shall see it, and whoever does an atom's weight of evil shall see it" insha Allah. Why care for the rewards of Dunya when you can get Allah Subhanta'la's. May Allah help me remember this always. Ameen.

Their voice

Heard their voice. They didn't ask of me. Why won't they ask of me? That hurt.

Family time

Didn't I tell you that having my brother and family at home would make me more cheerful? Well, they are here! And I am. Alhamdulillah. It's wonderful to have a baby in the house. Those innocent eyes. Little feet and fingers and tender skin that radiates innocence and purity and beauty. Allahuakbar. It is amazing. Allah subhanata'ala's creation. Besides family time always best time. Masha Allah. This brother, unlike my second brother, he isn't occupied with teasing, nagging, bossing over and provoking me all day. There are lots of advices though, some of which are infuriating. He's the big brother in all sense. They both have their own special ways of making me cry and loving me.

Just so you know, I love them both the same way, equally. I thank Allah for my brothers and my love for them. May Allah make it grow many times more. Ameen.

I wanna hear their voice! Now. Why Slave of the All-knowing. Have you forgotten me?

Like clothing

I feel so distant with them. I don't like that. I used to think not hearing from them is the worst feeling, but it isn't surprisingly. It doesn't bother me one bit now. I'm hardly aware of it. Alhamdulillah Shukr for that! But not knowing what they are up to, how they have been, that I don't like. It is not a very bothering feeling, it's kind of uncomfortable and especially when I have to hear it through others, that doesn't make sense, that makes me feel so distant, like I'm not close enough to them and I am the person who is supposed to be the closest to them. Like clothing. Insha Allah.

Strange

Strange, I hardly thought of them yesterday.

Had some major cleaning to do, gave away half my stuffs, it didn't seem very nice to still keep my sticker collection and ludo and a zillion other stuff when I'm getting married in less than a month, insha Allah. But I still saved my yoyo and cards and marbles. So I'm a bit childish. So what?! They had said that I reminded them of Ayisha Radi Allahu Anhu when I told them about my dolls.

Haven't heard their voice in like real long. Must prompt my mother. Insha Allah.

Setting record

I can hardly believe this. Alhamdulillah, I'm cheerful; happy. I'm barely aware of the silence from their part. How could that be? It used to be a prolonged perpetual ache, my need for them. So how is it possible that I'm not aching now? Maybe because I have put my trust in Allah. Maybe Allah Subhanata'ala is so pleased with their decision that He is making this easy for the both of us. Thankyou Allah. I wonder how it is for them. I wonder if they have the urge to connect with me at all. I wonder if they think about me. As for me, I have no urge to connect with them because it simply isn't happening! I can't disobey them, more importantly I can't break a deliberate oath made to Allah.

But I do miss them. Everytime I think of them, I miss them. And I think of them a lot. And when they speak of them, I miss them more. And I can't take comfort in reading the words they gave me before, because that makes me miss them the baddest.

I can't still possibly be in the same daze. No. This is very real. We could set a huge record! No two people in love would stay unconnected like us when they have a zillion ways to connect right under their nose!

Or even maybe, I'm cheerful today because I spend the day with friends. Friends who were thrilled to see me after SO long! Friends who told me how much they missed me and how much they will miss me. Friends who are super excited about my wedding Insha Allah. Friends who told me I've become pretty and have lost weight. So it's no wonder I'm cheerful today! Not to mention very flattering remarks from my French teacher and class tutor.

So then maybe, this is just like the cycle previously mentioned, if that's case, maybe those achy weepy days are not far away.

But still maybe, they won't come, because this time is different in so many ways and plus insha Allah my brother, wife and our little princess are coming home! So that means insha Allah, our home would liven up with baby cries and nappy stink and my brother's advices and Hadith narration and my sister-in-law's sweet ways- more cheerfulness, insha Allah.

And to think my Slave of the All-knowing is all alone in there. Makes me wanna be with them SO bad! I miss you. I love you.

How jealous it makes me, that so many others can speak to them while I can't! And they can speak to so many others while they can't to me! It's a really annoying thing. Really annoying. Makes me incredibly jealous. I can't wait to have a right over them, insha Allah.

Foolish questions

They ask, wouldn't it be hard that you don't know him? To start living with a stranger?

How foolish is that? So what about the Prophet Sallahu Walaihi Wasallam's time? Did the women have any idea of the men they were gonna be married to? Or did the men have any idea of the women they will be married to? Or maybe they have an idea, let's say they have a clear picture, but even then, you learn about your spouse only when you start living with them and that's applicable even in love marriage. The practice of interacting with your fiancé has become so common, that it has sort of become a rule, like compulsory. The immediate question is "why not?". Nobody ever realizes that the answer "because God told so" is as obvious as anything.

It wouldn't have mattered one bit to me if I were kept from getting to know my fiancé, but if I were in the middle of getting to know him and even let my selves get attached to him then things are different.

And I do know him-them.

Unjust anger- subsided

I feel bad about being angry with them. So irrational of me. I can only imagine how hard it must be for them. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe they have it harder than me, because after all, I'm home and with family, Alhamdulillah, but they are far away from home and alone except for friends. I have distraction and they don't. But they have studies, studies and exams which require full attention and a lot of time; I on the other hand have nothing of the sort. But that's so lame of me to say. I should be studying arabic. I should be reading my islamic books. I should be reading the Quran translation. I should be making a huge effort in increasing my Ibadah. I should be making my parents happy. I should be spending time with my sweet mother. I should be cheering the people around me spreading Deen in what little way I can. I should be learning cooking. Yup. That's pretty much my list of things to do before marriage. And that's excluding beautifying myself inside and out and so on and so forth. Insha Allah.

So, I apologize Slave of the All-knowing for my unjust anger. In my head, I even yelled at you; but you can imagine how my yell would sound. I'm sorry.

Another 32 days

Another 32 days

She numbers her days
Too long! She thinks;
Too short in some ways.

May all the patience be rewarded she prays.
The longing obvious on her pretty face,
In the words of her Lord, comfort she takes;
Hardship now she embrace
And the ease that will follow she awaits.

Happily she thinks, "If it were otherwise,
it would only cause digrace
This is better, if a little hard
And it will pay by the will of my Lord."

But she shudders when she thinks
Even though all these words she says
"Another 32 days".

It's the need again

If I could beg for their company, I would. If I could cry out their name and beg to them, and if that woudlnt be a very wrong thing to do, I would be doing that now, I would be doing that everyday; because I crave it that much, because I need them that much.

It's the need again. But Alhamdulillah, the difference is prominent, I'm whole, not broken or shattered, perhaps a little empty without their love.

I do say their name, in my head. But this time, I don't wait hoping they would hear. There is no waiting at all. No anticipation of red flash or vibration or any sound indicating a new message from them.

Maybe this little decision we made together, even though it eas more of their decision than mine, or maybe it was completely their decision, but still I feel they gave me some part in it. So, could this be putting an emphasis in the significance of the principle of Shura? It certainly makes a lot of difference from the two times the decision was taken all by themselves. Or maybe it is different because this was an oath to Allah, and hence so much more important and firm or still maybe I find this easy because it's just 32 days from today. Insha Allah. Makes me think that they are a bit clever, that they thought of taking the firmest decision only when there was just 32 days of this to get through.

I love them. But sometimes that unfair irrational anger resurfaces, and I desperately try to reason with them in my head, arguing. None of that would happen in reality though. Insha Allah..

Unfair

I'm getting more and more annoyed at them as hours pass by and I don't know why! I wish I didn't! This has got to change. This feeling has got to pass. Maybe if I could just hear them say my name in their beautiful voice...I gotta wait till then.

But when something they said pops into my mind, it makes me smile my widest. And then my love for them is all in my head.

But when I remember something else they said, like that answer they gave me which I found so lame or like 'I need you to obey me'. Then I'm annoyed and it fills my eyes with angry tears.

But this is all so unfair of me. I couldn't bear to stay angry at them. I can't. Because I love them so. Because I know they need my love and I yearn to give all of mine to them.

And I miss them. I miss their love. 33 days of this? Allah help me. Ameen.

Come to think of it

When they said they couldn't say no to me, it should have actually made me happy but it only made me sad and guilty. This person who says no to music, who says no to TV, who abstains from pretty much all kinds of sins couldn't abstain from the sin of speaking with me. How hurting a fact! But it is not a fact. They are well capable of saying no to me. But do you know what that makes me feel like? Like I'm that Fitnah which they can't keep away from, that makes me the highest or the baddest of all these Fitnahs!! How bad is that?! Being a woman, I'm like the influencer, they are the influencee, it's on me. I initiate the sin. Fitnathun-nissa. That's me.

So come to think of it, what they said today is right. It's my fault.

It angered me a bit though, when they put it like that; I shouldn't have spoken to them that way, wasn't nice of me, maybe they were angered by it too? Asthafirullah. I wish I could ask them forgiveness.

Angry at them, or not?

Okay, now I'm like really angry at them. So much for being nice; I keep thinking. I'm not being very rational. Love does that to me. I hope this will pass.

Maybe this anger has also a bit to do with them not asking of me not even once on phone with my parents; as they usually do. Hearing my name in their voice does wonders to the way I feel.

Or maybe this is all so wrong. Maybe they are just sad, like I am. Maybe they are sad that they can't connect with me for 33 days as well? Maybe that's why they founf it hard to ask of me? Maybe.

Well then maybe, I'm not angry at them. In fact, I feel concerned. And I long to cheer them.

Oh! There were so many things unsaid! So many questions unasked! There's so much love to give. 33 days of withholding it all and then I pray that it will be beautiful as they said after all this Sabr, insha Allah. May Allah make it so,Ameen.

Conclusion: I'm not angry at them.

Ouch

"I need you to obey me". Ouch.

Okay maybe I'm letting Satan get to me. I can hear him whispering all sorts of things that gets me angry at Slave of the All-knowing. But no worries, I'm incapable of showing it, which angers me further. Auzu billahi mina shaitani rajeem.

Maybe I am a little angry at them; with good reason. Annoyed would be the word.

Asthafirullah.

"He hears duas, doesn't he?" They had asked a very long time ago. Yes He does. He hears everything. Allah, He hears duas. Did they know that I had made dua to Allah even last night, in fact, it was a longer dua than usual, to forgive me and them, to help us not to repeat our mistakes and to not let Shaitan come between us, to keep Shaitan away from us. I prayed to Allah, to give us both the strength to do what is right. And SubhanAllah, Allahuakbar, He did. Allah heard me. The As-Sami. So how can they tell me that they need me to obey them. When I was ever willing to do that, even if it wasn't easy, sometimes even uncomfortable. Even when I prayed in favor of that. The best thing is Alhamdulillah, I never had to put any effort in obeying them, it came off naturally, there was no choice but to obey them.

Now that statement mentioned at the start or rather the repetition of it in my head, can make me a little angry.

Deliberate Oaths

It is such an interesting coincidence that I should learn about deliberate oaths yesterday when I didn't even dream I would be making one today, my first. No, second. I learned that there is expiation for breaking these deliberate oaths taken in the name of Allah. You have to feed or clothe 10 poor persons or free a slave and if one can't afford that, fast for 3 days. Insha Allah, this information could come in handy. In fact it is useful to me because I broke my previous oath, taken a long time ago, when I was no more than 12. I know them to have not such a firm mind. But I also know that this is firm and solid and strong; unlike the times before. So maybe they won't need do this expiation. And as long as they don't, I won't too.

I cried

I cried. Didn't think I would. Maybe I shouldn't be running their words in my head so much. It's a bad idea. It makes me miss them a whole lot more. And hence makes me cry.

It's hard for me too; they said. But it's harder for me. I'm the one with the psychological need for love.

I need you to obey me

One thing they said hurt me though. "I need you to obey me." When have I not? They said so themselves, they had appreciated it. Even when it was hard, I have only obeyed them. And I try not ask anything of them, and if I do, I regret it the next instant and it makes me feel so bad. I don't like asking for things. From them or anybody else. From them especially. How could they think that I could do otherwise? Or I would do otherwise? They know me better than that.

It's also a bit hurting to think that they couldn't give me the few things that I did ask for.

Told you the sadness had to catch upon me. I feel like crying.

But I love them, and they love me. And so none of this matters.

Alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah. We did it. Thankyou Allah for giving me the strength! This doesn't hurt. It suprises me. The difference of it being a mutual decision this time? Or that it wasn't sudden and didn't come as a shock? Or maybe the sadness will catch up on me. Maybe I'm in a daze now. Anyway, there are no regrets yet. It is not like I could regret. It was more of their decision than mine. I was merely agreeing, complying, obeying. But it's nice to know we were thinking along the same lines and we were both feeling ashamed and guilty. May Allah Subhanta'la accept our repentance. Ameen.

"I Leave something haraam in the hope that Allah will replace it with something better"

Insha Allah, may it be so. Ameen. They have such a beautiful soul. Allah forbid me from ever having tainted it! Ameen.

I love them even more now.

But this does hurt me. A lot. The thought that I won't hear from them for 33 days. 33 days from today. Do you believe it? How soon days pass by! Wallahi, it's unbelievable. It doesn't seem so long now. Just a little over a month. Will I get through them fine? Insha Allah. Allah be with me. Ameen.

The blackberry was special to me in so many ways. For one, it was a gift from them. My first gift from Slave of the All-Knowing. It is, or was my only source of connecting with them, or rather the source most used and through which I had so many beautiful and intimate conversations with them. My only contact in this phone is them, their number alone. Their pictures occupy most of my album. Wish they had send me some more. I guess it would still remain special to me, even though I can't connect with them using it for 33 days. I would still keep reading through those cherishes words. Taking comfort in them. Missing them.

Miss them already. But thanks to Allah, this is surprisingly easy to bear and contain. So unlike last time or the time before.

This certainly was the right thing to do. Insha Allah, it will please Allah so much! Doing what he loves over what we love. May He grant us khair. Ameen.

I was reading the following article when they messaged me. I was relating those Ayahs and words to my actions. And it only helped me stick to my resolve. Masha Allah, it is so knowledgeable and enlightening.
http://islamgreatreligion.wordpress.com/2010/10/04/lowering-the-gaze-to-prevent-desire/

Allah knows.

Guilt. Lots of it. I know that this is no good. I know this is very wrong. Then why do I keep doing it?

The Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wassallam said "when Hayaa is a part of anything it becomes beautiful and when lewdness is a part of anything it becomes defective"- the Hadith that keeps running through my head and it scares me and worries me.

May Allah Subhana ta'la forgive us. Ameen.

So I decided to do something, insha Allah, the following morning. May Allah give me and them the strength to do what is right. Ameen. It's not easy. Not one bit. In fact, sometimes it's so hard that it even makes me cry. And you reader, know it better than any person. But like I said, I am willing to embrace that hardship because what is important to me is the ease that will follow. Because Allah said in the Quran "Indeed with hardship comes ease". Insha Allah. "And put your trust in Allah if you're believers indeed" insha Allah.

So I thought, the harder it is, the better it will be. Insha Allah. Think about it this way, a person who has an inclination to listen to music but doesn't out of his fear for Allah would insha Allah attain more of Allah's pleasure than a one who doesn't like nor listen to music. Right? So harder the temptation is and harder we try to resist, the better it will be for us in here and Ahkir Insha Allah. Because Allah knows. He is Al-Aleem.

And another Hadith, it said, that one of the reasons why so many women will go to Jahannam is that some of them are very capable of leading even wise men astray.

It is true. And that is another Hadith that overwhelms me with guilt and fear of sinning.

May Allah forgive me. Ameen.

Tiny sacrifice

I only recently found out something about them. Their taste in something and it suprised me so much! I spent so much time pondering over it; in fact I was actually sad that I would have to give up my likeness for something for them; likeness for something that I shouldn't be liking anyway. Asthafirullah, how stupid of me! It wasn't until a lot of thinking was done that it dawned on me; what does it matter? The Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wassallam said "A place in Paradise equal to the size of a lash is better than the whole world and whatever is in it." SubhanAllah! How incredible is that? After I remembered that Hadith, my thoughts all seemed so ridiculous and unimportant. It was nothing. Allah is my priority. Earning His pleasure is my goal. Anything to earn his pleasure. Paradise lies beneath your mother's feet. For a woman, I learned that her husband is her road to Jannah. And if that involeves making sacrifices, even though they are tiny, then so be it, Insha Allah. A woman is all about sacrifices after all. Remember Allah. He will reward you. And remember the reward. Believe in the promises of Allah, and he will find for you from opportunities you never imagined.

But it was such a suprise! I would never have figured out! Alhamdulillah, I found it out now.
I would call it a tiny sacrifice. But what I get in return, Insha Allah is huge - the love of my husband; insha Allah. I wouldn't dream of trading my husband's contentment in me for jeans.

Don't ask. Long story. Figure it out yourselves reader.

But I understand them better now. I understand why they would dislike it and like otherwise. And makes me think; "of course. Why didn't it occur to me". Only I was thinking from a completely different aspect, not anymore though.

Day with the friend

I spent the day with the friend who make me laugh like crazy a few days ago. We had so much fun. I hadn't laughed like that in ages. Hearty, carefree laugh. Alhamdulillah. Laughed so much that it started aching and caused tears to fill up in our eyes! May Allah Subhanta'ala bless my dear friend. Not everyone can make me laugh like that. And I have a different kind of relationship with this friend. She feels like family. She is one of those very few people to whom I talk freely and frankly; to whom I joke with and tease. I gave her gifts, a book of Duas, (which was given to me by someone for distribution, May Allah reward them, Ameen) a mobile tag (a blue one, her favorite color being blue, and I have the same thing in pink, so it's like a pair) and some chocolates. The Prophet Sallahi walaihi wassallam said exchanging gifts among each other would make us grow in love. SubhanaAllah, how beautiful and true is that?! So when I packed up those things for her, I had this Hadith in my mind, it was a comforting thought. Insha Allah. I'm gonna miss her so. I hope we remain close and intimate forever, Insha Allah.

Undid

I apologize for lack of posts for the past few days. Sorry reader. Missed me? LOL.

Well, things have changed a bit. You won't believe this, remember what I said, about Slave of the All-knowing doing something unexpected that hurt me? Well, they sort of undid that. And I was like so surprised! I couldn't believe it! I was over the moon! But you know, they needn't have. It was okay. I had gotten used to it. Now there's no pain and no ache. There is just love. Love I don't have the right to have. It makes me feel guilty. But the thought of going through that empty feeling again, I can't imagine it. But maybe I will be able to, because it's a bit different this time, and it's not unexpected. They understand me so much better now. It means a lot to me.

I know them well yet they surprise me. How could that be?

How easily are we humans swayed? We're always slipping. Why can't we be firm? Of course, it's natural. Because it is said so; that we have to constantly ask Allah Subhanata'ala to renew our Iman. Because Iman worn outs like clothes. It makes me feel so guilty. I can't let Satan come between me and them. That thought scares me. I wish Satan would quit whispering in their ears! And mine. Asthafirullah! Auzu billahi mina shaitani rajeem.

May Allah protect us. Ameen.

Funniest simile

Ah I get it now. These little exchanges are like charge for my battery. LOL. This should be like the funniest simile.

Rejuvenate. That was the word they used a long time ago. I had to look it up in the dictionary.

Oh to hear them call me that!

Oh to hear them call me that! And then I know that they are not mad at me.

I love everything they call me. And my favorite I would say is my first name, it being a name called by very few in the family but the name I am known as in school, college and among friends. And then I love it when they call me one of my favorite nicknames, because only those who are closest to me calls me that, it's always been special to me.

Yet again

One word, two words, who cares? The point is they heard me yet again.

And I'm happy dancing! Naw, I don't do that; but I am happy, if not dancing!

SubhanaAllah.

Strange

Strange, it's still bearable. Could I possibly be anticipating the ache? That ache for them. Or is Allah Subhanata'ala making this easy for me?

Allah knows.

But I miss them. So stubborn. I love them.

Suprisingly so

I am cheerful. Alhamdulillah. Surprisingly so. I hope it will last long, insha Allah.

There's a little of that pang, a tiny teensy part of it only when I think about the things they said, the love they gave, only then do I feel that pang. Otherwise it's all but surprisingly good. So thanks to Allah, for helping me reach this level. For making this to get to a point which I can not only bear but also be cheerful at the same time. But I've been here before, the point where I could take the silence quite cheerily. So clearly, this will change, I will miss them more and more as days go by and then I would start aching. The same old ache.

But there's hardly days left now, just a little over a month. If I can't endure that much, why do I even consider my selves to be patient? Insha Allah, may Allah be with me.

"Indeed with hardship comes ease". This time, I embrace the hardship, because the ease that will come closely following the hardship is what I want. Insha Allah.

Oh, but I miss them. So bad.

Love of your family

There is something about the love of your family. Kinship. The love of your blood relations. It is deep, deep rooted and firm at the core. Like the love your mother. Or the love of your father. Which may not always be shown on the surface, but when in need, it's like the shade of a tree that protects you from the storm, it gives you energy. Concern. It is the kind of love that shows such deep concerns for you, that when you're in pain, they are hurting too, and when you're anxious, so are they, and when you're happy, they share your joy. Indifference can hurt so much.

The love of your mother. Who would never tell you to not eat even if you weighed a 1000 pounds. The love of your father. Who would never ask you to do chores, because his child is always daddy's little one and he couldn't bear to see her at work.

Pattern

So glad I had thought of asking for that favor. Anything to not go through the broken feeling again. I don't have time to spend in pieces, I need to be whole. Besides, I doubt if I have it in me to go through it again.

I am so grateful to them for doing me that favor. Alhamdulillah.

Do I sense a pattern here? The cycle. How much more time of this silence?

I am not sad. Alhamdulillah, I am happy. But I have this sort of restless feeling. I don't feel right untill I know for sure that they are pleased with me.

A conversation that ends on a not so satisfactory note makes me restless till I can have the next one.

Regrets and Guilt

Regrets and Guilt. Yesterday.

Anticipation. Tomorrow.

A sob

Isn't it funny, that I get what I have been waiting, expecting and hoping for all day, exactly the moment my attention is diverted? So sad. But still I like that I got it when I was least expecting it.

I was immersed in something they said previously, that's when the flash of red caught my attention.

A sob. I smiled at that. But I felt so sad, mirroring their sadness. I want them happy. I wish I could make them happy. Insha Allah.

And then later, yet another one. I was so touched. I was rendered speechless.

I love you.

Obviously, the cycle is going in different paces for the both of us.

Whispers of Satan

Temptation. Otherwise whispers of satan. I know that satan is the culprit. I can almost hear him whispering in my ear. I can sense that momentary lapse of rationality where I'm in a dilemma and then either I listen to him or I don't.

I remember my brother telling me this, just think about it, he would tell us. You can hear the satan whispering in your ear. I never believed him then. Of course we can't hear satan. But if we stop to think an instant before we do anything whether right or wrong or good or bad, we can hear him.

Like when you're gonna pray, you've done the ablution and you're gonna pray, but you think of doing something else before the prayer, it might be something as random as checking your fridge or answering your voice mail, what he wants is for you to delay your salah and that he gets.

Two ways of lookin' at it

So there are two ways of looking at it.

The statement could be taken as flattery, because the thing implied is that there is a lot of temptation to do that which they shouldn't. That could be taken as a flattering and rather flirtatious comment.

Or

The statement also implies the fact that this only source of connecting to me is evil and causes fitnah. Now that's neither flattering nor flirtatious. That's a fact. And not a very pleasant one.

I wish I could tell them how sorry I am. I do sincerely feel sorry. I feel bad. I feel guilty.

I should really fall back now.

Ouch. The latter meaning can sting.

Wat

A "wat", so what? What if I love even their Wat? What I can tell is that a lot other words are suppressed behind that Wat. That's what. Their Wat is so cute! I love wat!

It was my idiocy what prompted their wat though.

I must be Crazy

I sign in to see them online, I sign out because they are online. I must be crazy.

I know that I can't wish for it, I know it is wrong of me, but still I do, because I can't help it, because I am but an 18 year old in love. I wish they'd give in. But I don't want them to at the same time, because it ain't worth the regret and guilt, but this ain't easy either. I must be crazy.

I wait and wait and wait, from the time I wake up till I fall asleep. I wait. For that tiny icon on my phone, for that flashy red light or soundless vibration while it's held in my hand. I check my phone every now and then, hoping, anticipating the little icon and the flash of red light or the vibration. A new mail, get it? And every time it happens, I hope it's them but I also brace my selves for the disappointment that I know will follow. And then I wait again. I must be crazy.

Oh I just love their voice. I wanna hear them speak to me so bad.

Expectancy

Oh yeah, this definitely is a cycle or so it would seem. Well at least I don't have to go through that empty feeling again! Whew. That's a relief. Insha Allah, Alhamdulillah.

This is way better. I can totally take this silence. Maybe a little bit of expectancy isn't a bad thing. Maybe it's that which makes all the difference. Expectancy gives hope. Maybe it is the lack of it which makes things hard and unbearable.

Yes, sometimes I tend to make no sense at all.

I so love them! They make me so happy. Alhamdulillah. They have made this easy for me, they always did, before too. I am so thankful to them.

But sigh, I miss them. I miss them so bad. And I wanna hear from them. I want their love. I want it. I need it. I wanna love them.

How many more days? 47? Insha Allah.

47? 47!! Oh my God. I made the mistake of adding a 10 more days to that yesterday! And I count again and it's 47! Insha Allah. I have so much to do.

Allah be with me. Ameen.

Elated

I'm so elated, I'm lost for words!

Alhamdulillah.

I fear if I'll have to bear the consequences.

I love them so SO much. Thankyou Allah.

Being ordered around was never my favorite thing. Surprising that I love them doing it. In fact I think it's very...um, ah I shouldn't put it here.

Yay!

Guess what? Somebody just told me to not get any slimmer! They said my figure is just right! Yay! You see what I mean? Now anybody with a different opinion can go hang!

If only I could believe that. If only it was enough. But what counts is what my man thinks of me and I can't know that untill Dec 2nd. Insha Allah.

Comments

Telling someone who is fat that they are fat or have gotten fatter is a bad idea. Anyone with common sense should know that. Because this fat person has this thing called mirror in their house and it reflects their image so they are aware of the fact! And they don't need reminding! Because they are aware of it, conscious of it every second of their day and it is their desperate wish to change it. So they just don't need to hear it from others and feel twice as bad about it. If this fat person was someone who is super bold and super confident and the kinda person who would say "you can go hang." in reply to such a comment, then its okay. But this fat person is a silly self-conscious girl who is so badly wanting to look good to please that person decreed for her and she is striving to get there, she really DO NOT need this.

She would SO appreciate it if they would shut up. Hints. Hints and more hints. Hints just about as subtle as a shot gun.

People rarely ever tell me I'm fat. In fact, they even tell me that I'm perfect and that I'm not at all fat, and my girls all think of me as a beauty. But then there are some Other people.

So next time you see a fat person, you DO NOT wanna tell them to their face "hey, you're fat, you should diet". You might as well have slapped them.

Its not just fat people. Nobody likes to be told things like that. It is human nature. And anyone who doesn't know that is practically inhuman.

Love makes me wanna cry

I love them so much that it makes ma wanna cry. They give me so much love that it makes me wanna cry.

Oh great. I am rendered incapable of any other reaction. Gee. What a joy.

I once wrote a song, "Love makes me wanna cry". True then, true now.

I cherish

I cherish each of these words, smiles that they give me. Because I'm sure that there will be days when I'll have to do without them, and during those days, I'll take comfort in these words, till I am given more of them untill finally I have a right to them. Insha Allah.

Confused

What am I doing? Where is all the so often boasted of patience? What have I done?

Regret. Guilt. Relief. Sadness. Hapiness. Confused.

One thing stands out, stands firm - my love for them, so much more now.

I wonder how things are gonna be. I wonder what they're thinking, they're probably asleep, I hope I show up in their dreams. I wish I was with them.

I need them so much. Prolonged perpetual ache I used to call it.

I ignored the little dot against their name once, twice, the third time, it got the better of me. This one's on me. I owe them.

We seem to be on a something like a competition. Who is more patient? Defenitely not me.

I'm falling back now. Excercising patience is no trouble when you have a brother who is constantly nagging and provoking you. But this is a different kind of patience. Words I can ignore, turn a blind eye to. Silence is not just as easy. Reminds me of a song I used to hear, "Silence so loud..." it went.

Unfair

I should be really cheerful and pleased right now. But I'm not, in fact, I'm feeling low and weepy. Why am I this way? Why are they this way? How is this fair? I wish I could tell them how unfair they are being, but I'm incapable of being anything but nice with them. So unfair. I wanna pout at them, push them, playfully.

I want to show my anger to them. I want to tell that how much it hurt. And I wanna tell them how lame their answer is and that it calls for sarcasm. But I can't. And even if I could, what good will it be? It will help nothing, except maybe relieving my mind of all these thoughts.

What funny question they ask! Have they any idea? No. They haven't a clue. Insha Allah, when they read my blog, they'll know, that is one of the reasons why I'm doing in this first place. They gotta know. I hope they won't think I'm crazy.

I need them so much that it makes me wanna cry! I'm not always like this, I told you, some days the need is all but ignorable. But these days, it's so prominent, demanding. It hurts.

And they are not exactly helping me, or are they? If so, it has the opposite effect.

I love you, Slave of The All-knowing.

Amazing

Amazing. That they should act on my thoughts.

I know now, that I didn't anger or disappoint them.

It is also amazing how my guesses are sometimes so accurate, most of the times. I knew it was different today and I even thought this, exactly this, and it is. I know them so well.

Hurtfully impersonal and polite

Hurtfully impersonal and polite- I had once called it. I was reminded of that this morning.

A mention of my name would have made all the difference.

Did I anger them? Breaking my promise? But I never made a promise, I merely agreed to the one they made themselves. I was so concerned. And I tried other ways before I had to resort to this. I tried my best to avoid it, but I had to. How I wish I knew what they were thinking. I hope I didn't anger them. I couldn't stand it if I dissapointed them.

Ache again

I'm missing them more again. What is with me? I wish I knew how they are feeling. It really is an aching now. I need them. I need their love. I want to give them mine.

Is this some kind of cycle? Some days I can even ignore the feeling of missing them. Some days it is so bad that it makes me ache again. I wonder if they have those days as well.

I wish I could tell them how much I miss them right now, this very moment.

Friends

I got a call today, from one of my bestest friends. She and I have been best friends since we were in 6th grade. Best friends and partners for 3 years in a row. And after 2 years, again in same class and the same old buddies. She is a friend who can make me laugh anytime. A friend who brings out the joker in me. A friend who has played nasty pranks on me and whom I still can't stay mad at. She is the friend whom I miss the most. She never calls. She never calls untill it's a necessity. She never calls like us girls usually do, to hear from each other or to catch up. But she called today. And I was so surprised, so happy and thankful. And speaking with her, having some real girl-friend talk, it felt so good and made me feel light headed. And my mom was surprised too that she called, and she asked me why, I started talking about her and then I cried. Because I miss her and I love her and I'm gonna miss her even more.

You must think I'm such a cry baby. Guess I'm a little more weepy than usuall these days.

I miss those days with her and the rest of us. We were 5. 'Five Fingers' we were nicknamed. I remember once my teacher had referred to the 5 of us as 'Brainy Beauties'! And we were often called "The UNO girls" because of our obsession with playing the UNO cards. Those days were all but perfect; filled with so much fun and laughter and companionship. Friends are wonderful. The 5 of us are in five different places now; one of us is married, and the other three, even though we live in the same place, we go to different colleges and rarely ever see each other. I miss the married friend a lot too, it was her that I used to narrate the stories of the fictions that I read and she's such a good listener! She loved it when I told her stories. I lover her. These two are the closest to me, most intimate relationships. The others I have been friends with for only two years, but yet we are pretty thick and I miss them too; one of them - the one who always reminded us about Allah, she impresses me with her steadfastness in religion and the other - she is a synonym to 'neat as a pin' or the perfect example for the phrase. Masha Allah. The good old days. My sisters.

Then there are the twins whom I have been friends with for like 10 years; but the relationship with these two is different, or rather it grew different over time. Because time can change people, transform them. I do love them and I miss them too. But maybe it's because I separated from them 2 years back, when they went to a different school, and maybe that's why I don't miss them as much.

I wonder what kind of friends will I make again? Insha Allah, I will make good friends. But what will they be like? Will they love me? And what will it be like for me? There is no way I could possibly make the kind of friends that I have, is there? Friends make life better. The best memories of my school life are those with my friends, I cannot think of the memory of getting a Certificate as an unforgettable one, (although the time I scored 25/25 in bio is and the time I scored 79 1/2 in 80 in English is too) But there's no memory like of that day when we splashed water over each other and got ourselves Totally wet!! Friends add color to your art - as I said in one of my poems.

Thankyou Allah, for my friends, for all the laughter, fun and happiness that they gave me. Alhamdulillah Shukr. I pray that I will remain good friends with them all, always. Ameen. Insha Allah.

My Favorite Gift from them

One morning I woke up to a gift awaiting me on my phone. And the words that came with the gift were amazing. It was a really respectful thing for them to do, really appreciative, kind, loving. It was my favorite gift from them.

I miss those days.

I miss them a little more today. So much more that I'm aching. Maybe it was from reading The Muslim Marriage Guide, their picture was in my mind through out the read or maybe it is something else. I think it's the latter. The ache is always stronger because of the latter reason.

The Muslim Marriage Guide

Alhamdulillah, I just finished reading this wonderful book. So that's one thing down in my list of Things to do before Marriage. Hurray. 100 more to go! Nope, that is exaggeration, although i do have a LOT more things to do. Insha Allah.

There were some Hadiths and quotes that touched me or that I found very enlightening and the first place I thought of putting it in is ofcourse my blog!

(Although the first place I tried to put one of them in was as status message on my blackberry messenger profile, it didn't fit.)

So Insha Allah, I hope if someday somebody reads my blog, they will benefit from these and find them as beautiful as I have:

The true Muslim is like the Earth: everything foul is thrown upon it, but only what is beautiful grows from it.

Masha Allah. Makes you go "wow!" right?

"There is no woman who removes something to replace it in it's proper place with a view to tidying her husband's house, but that Allah records it as a virtue for her. Nor is there a man who walks with his wife hand in hand, but that Allah sets it down as a virtue for him; and if he put his arm round her shoulder in love, his virtue is increased tenfold"
(Doi, Women in Shariah, 10)

"Once, the Blessed Prophet's companion Amr ibn al-As asked him which person he loved most in the world, expecting him to name one of the heroic young warriors. To his surprise, the Prophet replied straight away:`A'isha'."
(Zarkashi, al-Ijaba, 52.)

"'Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you.' 'And what is that messenger?' They asked, and he replied : "Kisses and words"
(Daylami)

"A man who marries a woman for her wealth and beauty will be deprived of that wealth and beauty; while the man who marries her for her religion shall receive from God her wealth and beauty too."
(Hadith in Tabarani)

Subhana Allah, I actually cried reading this particular hadith mentioned above, it felt like Allah Subhanata'ala was giving me just the kind of assurance that I'm desperate for, He answered my duas, He is The All-Hearer. I cried, Alhamdulillah out of my love for my Lord, at his Compassion for me. Allahuakbar. And I put my trust in Allah.

"Make things easy for people, and do not make them hard; cheer people up and do not rebuff them"
(Muslim)

"Gentlenss adorns everything, and it's absence leaves everything tainted.
(Muslim)

"Allah's Messenger was one of the most humorous of people."
(Bazzar, Tabarani)

"I was sent only to perfect the noble qualities of character"
(Hadith in Khara'iti)

"You will not suffice all people with your wealth; suffice them therefore with a cheerful face and goodness of character"
(Hadith in Malik, Muwatta')

Simple, yet exceedingly invaluable.

"Whichever man is patient with the bad character of his wife shall be given a reward like unto that which Job shall receive; and whichever woman is patient with the bad character of her husband shall be given a reward like that of Asiya the (believing) wife of Pharoah"
(Hadith in Hakim, Mustadrak)

May Allah forgive me if there is any mistake in the above quoted Hadiths. For any clarifications refer The Muslim Marriage Guide by Ruqayyah Waris Maqsood. And Allah knows the best.

Rejection

Rejection. It should be a fear that haunts every girl. Fear of rejection. Every girl longs to be accepted by that man decreed for them. They want nothing more than love and acceptance. If there is love , there is acceptance, then insha Allah, everything falls into place. If there is acceptance, then there is a new meaning to their beauty, their physique and it makes them feel beautiful and confident, and those are things every woman yearns to feel.

I had taken up a course called 'Like a Garment' by Yasir Qadi, it was a series of very informative mails for married and unmarried individuals. Masha Allah, they were very enlightening and knowledgeable, I had signed up for it way before I was anywhere near getting married. My intention was to increase my awareness on such matters that will insha Allah help me attain success in my married life. In one of the mails, he said that women's prior needs were emotional, as opposed to men's prior physical needs. Even though this was common knowledge, it only dawned on me after having read it. If that fact alone is understood and given importance to, insha Allah, the marriage will be successful. Fulfill the needs of the other so that you may get your own needs fulfilled. What a woman craves the most, is a feeling of security and love and acceptance- as mentioned above. Once that is in affect, she requires companionship, care, trust, support, understanding, respect etc. The Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wasallam said "Treat women with kindness"; why was special emphasis given on treating women kindly? And not the men? Because the major difference lies in that; women are all about emotions. They are physically weaker than men, but are capable of stronger emotions than men.

My mother always said that a woman is down to earth sacrificial. Sacrifice, selflessness. Women can be just as possessive as Men. They can be just as jealous. Gheerah is not a quality found in men alone. But women are also sacrificial and selfless. There lies the difference.

I read today in 'The Muslim Marriage Guide' that the average psychological need for men was Respect while for women it was Love. Aha! There you have it. Told you it was a need for me. My need for Slave of the All-knowing, and their love.

I have so totally lost my point. Pardon me. I was talking about the fear of rejection. The Media has quite a part in the matter. They show women everyday, perfect flawlessly beautiful women, and the men, they wake up to these images, because these images are everywhere. "What the eye sees, the heart perceives'. So it is these images that forms in their mind when a woman is mentioned. And not all women are or can be perfect flawless beauties. Men needn't have that fear, women don't generally set standards in their minds and then compare their man with it. No. Women are usually ever ready to accept their man with wide open arms and a warm smile. Because she is selfless. She is all about love. And she has only one man. She will love him like she loves no other. She will love him no matter what.

The Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wasallam said "The whole world is full of provisions and the best of those provisions is a Righteous Woman"

We women rock.

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Inexplicable, again

Another smile. Told you, they could somehow inexplicably hear me.

So a smile, once in a while can keep me going. Insha Allah.

I doubt if they are doing it because they want to, it would seem they are just being nice; but I appreciate it all the same. Although it would have been nice to know if it was the want that prompted the act or maybe its just kindness.

New found blessing

I absolutely love it when they enjoy something I say.

I just remembered something I had told them a long time ago on a beautiful night; and they sounded so amused. They even said so, once. And they had admitted more than once that they were missing it.

I never actually considered my humor sense a blessing. I could crack smart jokes, I could get back at people who joked with me, I could make them laugh; just that I can do that only after I reach the point where I put aside my invisible barrier, let the person inside and be friends with them. I took a little secret credit in my humor sense but I never really thought it could be beneficial. Now that, insha Allah, I have someone to please, and they thanks to Allah think I'm amusing, I could actually earn Allah Subhanta'la's pleasure by being hilarious! Alhamdulillah.

New found blessing - good old talent.

The little red dot against their name

Right now there is nothing more tempting than that little red dot against their name. Not really tempting, it just makes me more expectant, and hence more disappointed.

One smile?

They can see the little red dot against my name just as clearly. Their Father called it determination, I call it stubborness, because I like to play with them.

Haya

Just read the most beautiful defintion of the word "Haya"

"Hijab celebrates a desirable quality called Haya (modesty), a deep concern for preserving one’s dignity.

Haya is a natural feeling that brings us pain at the very idea of committing a wrong.

The Prophet said: "Every religion has a distinct call. For Islam it is Haya (modesty)." [Ibn Majah]."

Haya. I just love the word. I just love the meaning. Give me Haya O ALLAH. Ameen.

Not giving in

Okay, now I'm starting to hurt a tiny teensy little bit. But compared to the broken feeling, this is all but nothing.

I'm not giving in; even though I have ample reason to.

When a friend say it

When strangers tell you something you don't like, it is okay, I mean it's a stranger, why would we care? But when someone who knows you very well, a friend, tells you something like that, something they are well aware would displease you or possibly even hurt you, it is SO NOT okay, in fact, it is painful and makes you wonder; "how could they, of all people!"

Isn't the whole point of friendship- affection, support, care, trust and being there for each other? Friends are supposed to assure their friends. I mean to say, in times of need, friends should be a comfort. If they can't, then they are not friends. Some people don't get that but they still consider them as 'Friends'; when they no longer qualify as a friend.

Time is a factor. Time can change people, transform them.

My friends do make me happy, at least, they usually do, my true friends.

Or maybe it is me who has changed? Maybe some of these friends don't cheer me as they used to because of my change? Maybe it's because the friends who make me happy are also my sisters, and we are linked my our hearts-or the belief in our hearts.

Maybe.

Moved to tears

Masha Allah. I just wept reading this from the "Muslim Marriage Guide". SubhanaAllah, it is so beautiful, I had to share.

" 'Whom shall I appeal to?' He askes her one day, during one of the long conversations that they had each time the angel Gabriel appeared to him. 'Who will believe in me?' Happy to see that he no longer doubted his new mission, Khadija exclaimed, 'At least you can call on me before all others. For I believe in you!' The Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wassallam was very joyful, and recited the shahada to Khadija, and Khadija believed"

He never took another wife while she lived, and even after her death he never forgot her or ceased to love her. Their marriage had lasted twenty-five years. There are several touching traditions which show the Prophet Sallahi Walaihi being deeply affected and moved to tears when he heard her sister Hala's voice, which sounded so much like hers, or saw something which had once belonged to her.

Aisha Radi Allahu Anhu recorded : 'Although I had never met Khadija, I was never more jealous of anyone than her.' Once, when Khadija's sister Hala came to visit the Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wasallam, and called from outside for permission to enter, he trembled, being reminded of Khadija, for the two sisters had very similar voices. 'It must be Hala,' he said. Aisha said, 'Why do you keep thinking of that elderly woman who has been dead for so long, when Allah has given you such good wives?' 'No, no, no' the Prophet Sallahi Walaihi Wasallam answered, 'I was given no finer wife than her. She believed in me when everyone else belied me; when they denied me, she became a Muslim; when no one would help me, she was my help. I had my children from her.' And he asserted, 'Allah gave me my love for her'

After that Aisha resolved never to take hurt from Khadija's memory.

How beautiful! Our beloved Prophet.

Stubborn

So stubborn. Well, so am I. I have a strong urge to give them a ":P" but I'll refrain, I always do.

Flashes of their words

I just had a flash of something they said, happens all the time. I remember once, they told me they just had to tell me something; and then they said those three words and they thanked me for making them happy. You know, it was a random moment, we weren't even conversing then. It was one of the most beautiful things they did or said. It makes me wonder if I had appreciated it enough. It was just SO loving and sweet and I was touched.

Waiting

I wait, wait and wait to hear from them. It doesn't ache nor does it hurt. It's a prolonged perpetual waiting. I wait for that little icon on my phone screen, I wait for that flash of red light indicating new mail. I take the phone in my hands expectantly and I put it down, and then I take it again and put it down again. Expectance. One is better off without it.

The other day's question mark "?" made my day. It still brings a smile on my face.

And now I wait. For another smile or a question mark or maybe even an exclamation point "!" !!

Crushing those Crushes

A must read article for troubled teen girls.

Crushing those Crushes

Time

Time. I can never keep to time. I am never on time. I can never keep a scehdule and stick to it. I can never sleep early. Somehow, for no reason I end up staying up real late and therefore I wake up late. Alhamdulillah, most of the time I manage to wake for Fajr and sleep soon after the prayer, sometimes after a bit of Quran recitation. But I can't keep going with this. I need to keep to time. Idleness-my BIG enemy. What do I do to get rid of it? There is so much to do and there is so little time, I can't goof around like I used to. I take up so much time to do anything and everything. The weird thing is, I could change if I tried. So then why don't I?

I'm a fast runner. When my friends and I take strolls around our school grounds, I used to pull them all to race with me, and I would win everytime, inspite of the others being slim and tall; figures better suited for athletics. Hmm, maybe I could race Slave of the All-knowing one day, insha Allah, that would be cool, I would beat them big time!

Time- as I was saying, I can't afford to let it go by, must make use of it. GOT TO.

Having a Blackberry is a problem. I tend to browse in it whenever my hands are free, especially now, what with the blogging and facebook. I'm addicted to this little gadget.

Insha Allah, I pledge to go to sleep early tonight. 11:00 pm at the latest. And insha Allah, I'll wake for Fajr, pray, recite Quran and do productive things all day. Insha Allah. Allah be with me. Ameen.

What is Cool?

Who determines what cool is? Why do people try so hard to be cool? And the wrong presumption of cool. Cool is not listening to Avril Lavigne on your ipod. Cool is not wearing black bands on your hands or wearing kohl. Cool is not saying LMAO or S**t or the F word. Cool is not having a boyfriend. Cool is not putting your exposed pictures on social-networking sites. Cool is not having a crush on Justin Bieber and sticking his poster on your wall. That aint cool. It isn't even acceptable. Especially from a Muslimah.

Trust me when I say it, because I've been there, done that, and it wasn't the least bit cool. In fact it was lame. I have had my days of music and hollywood. It may seem fun.But what fun can it be when the Noor in your heart was fading because of it? How can we find happiness in that when we were going farther away from Allah by that? People think music and entertainments makes them happy. They are far from truth. Perhaps we do feel light headed, but deep down we feel constricted, like something is missing. True happiness lies only in obedience to Allah.

Being cool is not being what the world wants you to be. The world expects that from you, it demands such behaviour from you, when the magazine shows a picture of Taylor Lautner saying 'Cute', they expect you to fall over it. So turn your back on it, avert your gaze. So what is cool? There's a page on Facebook called "The cool kids pray 5 times a day"; now that's cool. Cool is being the best you can. Cool is Decency. Cool is that guy with thick beard and pants way above his ankles. Cool is that girl observing proper hijab both inwardly and outwardly. Cool is when you can give a Hadith on any matter. Cool is when you can recite Quran with understanding. LMHO-laughing my hijab off, isn't that cool? I had shared that with Slave of the All-knowing. They found it funny!

Be yourself and try to be better everyday, that's the right kind of cool. I wanna be cool. Insha Allah. So who's with me?

Cant stop laughing

I just had THE BEST conversation with Slave of the All-knowing. It went like this:

:)
Lol
Wat?
?
?
LOL

I can't stop laughing at that! How funny. Aw,I love them.

They smiled

Did I tell you? They gave me a smile a yesterday. A ":)". And I LOL'd. They humour me. What were they thinking? I wonder. Did they miss me? Or were they just being nice, staying in touch with me? Or were they just letting me know that they are there and they care?

How I wish I had the answers.

I wonder if they did it for me, they needn't have. I'm happy right now. I wish I could let them know that, so they don't have to give in, for me. Turning to Allah helped. Putting my trust in Allah always helps. Alhamdulillah.

Isn't it funny that I'm incapable of showing anger or sadness to them? I had written a few lines in comparison to that way that I feel. Its quite funny, imaginative.

Here I quote them:

"My arms at the ready, I prepare to fight;
I wait for my opponent, my hands clenched tight,
But I see their face, my grip loosen,
My rage melt, as toward me they hasten
And then they smile and all's lost.
My very knees weaken and I can't but surrender"

Reading my Diary

I was just reading my old journal-my diary, and God I used to be such a drama queen! It makes me feel so good and thankful to Allah, to notice that I have changed. Alhamdulillah, I have changed. I'm a better person now. Yesterday I read a quote 'Your words reflect who you are inside'. I have written in my diary about music, about fictions and rude things about my family and friends-these things occupies most pages but I have also written good things, I have thanked Allah over and over and I have written about the guilt that I felt from all the TV and music. I tore off a lot pages and chucked them. I don't want anyone to ever read those things! Too much talk without the mention of Allah is not good for the heart. Now masha Allah, I notice that most of the things that I write, center around my Deen, before it didn't used to be that way. And I thank Allah for guiding me, helping me reach this level, insha Allah, I will continue to be better, with my family and Slave of the All-knowing by my side.

But it is quite entertaining to read your diary, some of the things I had completely forgotten, and it feels great to go back to those days and relive your memories.

I used to be so obsessed about my figure! I still think I am fat,I am fat, but Alhamdulillah I'm not obsessed about it anymore. I wanna be slim, but I don't hate the way I am-Thanks to Allah.

I can't believe the rude things that I wrote about people! Asthafirullah. Thank Allah nobody had the chance to read it! They may have been true, or maybe it was my anger at the time which made me write it, but it was still wrong of me. These days I refrain from writing negative things about people altogether-be it in my journal or diary or blog. And if I did, I wouldn't mention their name.

Whew. I'm so glad I have changed. What a typical teen I was?! Still a teen, FYI. Only with a higher degree of maturity.

Lacking in Self-confidence

How can I be self-confident? I'm a person who is naturally shy and I'm always self-concious. At a time like now, for reasons I'd rather not say, I'm a 100 times more self-concious and I'm lacking self-confidence. I go to party and I get butterflies in my tummy, I feel people's eyes on me and all I wanna do is get it over with ASAP.

But I need self-confidence now. The lack of it makes me nervous, tense and edgy. I once read an article, a real life story about a girl who was always made fun of her nose; and the girl was always bothered by it and she always thought something was wrong with her nose and everytime she looked in the mirror, she would see that, the girl with misshapen nose untill ome day she looked in the mirror and saw A Slave of Allah. That was quite a read for me, I had so much to learn from it. I wish I could be like that, I wish I could look in my mirror and see the Servant of Allah that I am. But I see a lot more, I see my defaults and I worry over them. I'm not being ungrateful to Allah Subhanata'ala nor am I dissatisfied in anything He has or hasn't given me.Alhamdulillah. But it is important to me that I look beautiful, because I have someone to please and I want them to be content in me. Insha Allah. It is a worry that taunts me night and day, and I haven't a clue of what to do about it except make Dua. Dua, Dua, more Dua and patience.

Never have I been this jealous of those women in the media, never have I hated the media like this before. I'm jealous of their beauty, of what appears as their beauty, I know I ought not to be, but I'm after all and 18 year old girl wanting to look beautiful to that only person she may look beautiful to.

So where do I get a bit of self-confidence? Actually, not a bit, a LOT of self-confidence.

I'll just put my trust in ALLAH.