Oh great, my brother tells them that I am not the least bit tensed. If only he knew!
But who cares about that when they asked of me! Oh to hear them say my name. And their laugh. Sweee-eet.
Was out at a Restaurant for dinner tonight, with everyone. And I have this problem, my skin heats up soon, and freezes soon too. So the air conditioner there I think was a little too cool and my hands were numb from it. So Umma was rubbing my hands and heating them for me. And I got thinking, after I'm married, insha Allah and I am out with my husband and his family who would be concerned about my numb hands? Who would rub them for me? I wouldn't even dare to say it or make it obvious in the first place. And then I thought about mom, how much I'll miss her and her, me. And I wept.
So I proved my brother's words wrong. I am tensed. I just am too busy to make it obvious.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Never again
Never in my life am I EVER waxing again. NEVER. Oh my GOD it hurt like mad!!!!! I tried so many thoughts to distract me from the pain, 'for my husband' 'to please my husband' 'for Allah' 'SubhanaAllah'. None could keep the pain away. I almost cried like a baby. I tried thinking, if I can't bear this, how am I gonna give birth to babies Insha Allah? I tried thinking, even the prick of a thorn will not go as waste if borne with patience. Even the prick of a thorn. Still couldn't distract me.
Feels like a gaping hole was punched right through the centre of my Hayaa.
The things I do for them. Insha Allah, I just hope it will all pay off, I know that Allah knows my only intention.
Feels like a gaping hole was punched right through the centre of my Hayaa.
The things I do for them. Insha Allah, I just hope it will all pay off, I know that Allah knows my only intention.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Regrets
Do you know one of the craziest love things I do? Some nights before I sleep, I go to my album in my blackberry and I view one of their pictures and I keep like that so that when I wake up and check my phone for time or messages (which is what I do when I wake) I can wake to their smiling face, them smiling at me. It really gives me a nice feeling because by morning I will have forgotten all about it and I press some buttons on my phone expecting new mail or something but it's their picture that I see. Makes me smile. Crazy, I know.
You know that feeling you get when you have reached the end of school year and you feel like so many things have been left undone and you regret it all. I have that feeling. That feeling that I have left so many things undone for my parents. Thanks to Allah, I have always been able to be a good daughter to them, may Allah always make me so, Ameen, but I could have been better. I should have. So many of my Mom's dreams and wishes are not fulfilled because of me. Because of my lack of interest, my insincerity. May Mom forgive me. And all those times I could have spend with them, making them happy. All those little favours that I could have done, like the tea I made this morning. All those times I sat amongst them with my hands glued to my phone, how infuriating must that have been?
Regrets. Regrets and more regrets.
Do you know how amazing it is when Mom and Dad playfully argues over me? Saying "she's my daughter" "No, she's my daughter". It's the best feeling. Happened even this morning. Alhamdulillah.
May Allah Subhanata'la help me the best daughter to my parents. May Allah help me fulfill their wishes. Ameen.
You know that feeling you get when you have reached the end of school year and you feel like so many things have been left undone and you regret it all. I have that feeling. That feeling that I have left so many things undone for my parents. Thanks to Allah, I have always been able to be a good daughter to them, may Allah always make me so, Ameen, but I could have been better. I should have. So many of my Mom's dreams and wishes are not fulfilled because of me. Because of my lack of interest, my insincerity. May Mom forgive me. And all those times I could have spend with them, making them happy. All those little favours that I could have done, like the tea I made this morning. All those times I sat amongst them with my hands glued to my phone, how infuriating must that have been?
Regrets. Regrets and more regrets.
Do you know how amazing it is when Mom and Dad playfully argues over me? Saying "she's my daughter" "No, she's my daughter". It's the best feeling. Happened even this morning. Alhamdulillah.
May Allah Subhanata'la help me the best daughter to my parents. May Allah help me fulfill their wishes. Ameen.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Beautiful day
Prayed Fajr. Recited Quran. Napped. Breakfast. Shower and then Al-kahf. Alhamdulillah it's been productive so far, beautiful day. I had to go to my school today to invite my teachers and some juniors for the wedding so I thought I'll skip Al-Kahf this Friday because i thought I wouldnt have time but then i thought, this is the week that I'll need the blessing from reading Al-kahf the most, that light that will be with me from this Friday till next because Insha Allah I'm getting married this Thursday. Wow. That's just 5 days away. Do you believe it? 5 days! 5 days. Ya Allah. 5*24=120. 120 hours, approximately, add some more.
So I went to school and I am so glad I did. Alhamdulillah. My teachers were all so pleased. I was SO happy that my high school biology teacher remembered my name! I was great at biology but I was never that much of an active student in her class that it came as a surprise. And my high school English teacher, she was like so stunned! She said in her mind she can only think of me as her 14 year old student, she couldn't believe I was getting married. Same goes for a bunch of other teachers. Most of them said they'll come for sure, insha Allah and that made me even more happy.
And my juniors. They were staring at me like anything! Must have something to do with the fact that I was wearing shocking pink with purple, and amongst too many navy blues that's not hard to miss. And some of them were so happy to see me, and I invited them too. One of them said I have become a 'Gundu' which means FAT. Tut. What a nice thing to say to someone about to get married. Yeah, I really needed to hear that. But honestly, couldn't care less.
Anyway beautiful day. Alhamdulillah.
Miss them though. I almost gave them a ring this morning. It might have even been connected. Guess they are too busy with their arab friends and wedding things. Where can the fiancé fit in? LOL. I better be somewhere in a corner of their head.
So I went to school and I am so glad I did. Alhamdulillah. My teachers were all so pleased. I was SO happy that my high school biology teacher remembered my name! I was great at biology but I was never that much of an active student in her class that it came as a surprise. And my high school English teacher, she was like so stunned! She said in her mind she can only think of me as her 14 year old student, she couldn't believe I was getting married. Same goes for a bunch of other teachers. Most of them said they'll come for sure, insha Allah and that made me even more happy.
And my juniors. They were staring at me like anything! Must have something to do with the fact that I was wearing shocking pink with purple, and amongst too many navy blues that's not hard to miss. And some of them were so happy to see me, and I invited them too. One of them said I have become a 'Gundu' which means FAT. Tut. What a nice thing to say to someone about to get married. Yeah, I really needed to hear that. But honestly, couldn't care less.
Anyway beautiful day. Alhamdulillah.
Miss them though. I almost gave them a ring this morning. It might have even been connected. Guess they are too busy with their arab friends and wedding things. Where can the fiancé fit in? LOL. I better be somewhere in a corner of their head.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Jealous and don't wanna be
Miss them so bad, that I'm hurting, it's making me sad, making me wanna cry and they don't even know it. Worse, they seem to think I do not miss them.
My brother and his fiancé aren't helping. But I don't wanna be jealous and cause to keep them from having their fun. But what can I do? I am a woman, and I have my issues; jealousy being one of the top 10. But I shouldn't be, cause I don't wanna come between them even if it might be for good, I know how much I had wanted it, I know how it feels, been there, done that...
I have to hear their voice. O mother call them already! Please.
My brother and his fiancé aren't helping. But I don't wanna be jealous and cause to keep them from having their fun. But what can I do? I am a woman, and I have my issues; jealousy being one of the top 10. But I shouldn't be, cause I don't wanna come between them even if it might be for good, I know how much I had wanted it, I know how it feels, been there, done that...
I have to hear their voice. O mother call them already! Please.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
A week
Just 7 days now. Insha Allah. A week.
I feel like I am not spending enough time with my family. My time is just running, slipping away through my fingers while I desperately try to hold it in my palms. I am missing my mom already. We are both so busy with wedding preparation that I hardly get to spend any time with her.
Where is productivity? I need to chuck this idleness that holds me prisoner! O Allah, help me use my time wisely! Ameen. I have to wake up early, I have to sleep. I must sleep this moment.
The other day, my friends caught me laughing a little too late to some joke and they were teasing me about day dreaming. So sometimes I do daydream. But that's not all I do. Marriage is not that simple. It is not like my friends seem to think, you get your spouse, someone to love. Its not that alone. Marriage is big. It is a huge responsibility. It is half the Deen, that alone determines how important marriage is. So often when I'm lost in my own thoughts, I'm not just fantasizing about my life with my husband. I think of so many other things. I think of how I'll be a good wife, living by the commandments of Allah. I worry if I'll rise to my husband's expectations. I think of missing my mom, my dad, family and home. I think of pleasing my in-laws. I imagine how I'll behave to the new people in the new place, new atmosphere. I make mental notes of To-do's and Don't' Do's. Smile. Be kind. Talk properly and clearly. Mention the name of Allah a lot. Don't cry. Don't get angry. Don't be tense. Put your trust in Allah. Allah loves those who put their trust in him. Marriage isn't an end to all fun either, as most people think. If the Prophet SAW said that the best Provision of this world is a righteous wife, then you can imagine how fulfilling it is to have a virtous wife and same goes for a virtous man. I felt like telling all this to them when they teased me, but of course I didn't.
Miss you SO bad these days. I almost wept thinking about you. And I can't even tell you how much I miss you.
I feel like I am not spending enough time with my family. My time is just running, slipping away through my fingers while I desperately try to hold it in my palms. I am missing my mom already. We are both so busy with wedding preparation that I hardly get to spend any time with her.
Where is productivity? I need to chuck this idleness that holds me prisoner! O Allah, help me use my time wisely! Ameen. I have to wake up early, I have to sleep. I must sleep this moment.
The other day, my friends caught me laughing a little too late to some joke and they were teasing me about day dreaming. So sometimes I do daydream. But that's not all I do. Marriage is not that simple. It is not like my friends seem to think, you get your spouse, someone to love. Its not that alone. Marriage is big. It is a huge responsibility. It is half the Deen, that alone determines how important marriage is. So often when I'm lost in my own thoughts, I'm not just fantasizing about my life with my husband. I think of so many other things. I think of how I'll be a good wife, living by the commandments of Allah. I worry if I'll rise to my husband's expectations. I think of missing my mom, my dad, family and home. I think of pleasing my in-laws. I imagine how I'll behave to the new people in the new place, new atmosphere. I make mental notes of To-do's and Don't' Do's. Smile. Be kind. Talk properly and clearly. Mention the name of Allah a lot. Don't cry. Don't get angry. Don't be tense. Put your trust in Allah. Allah loves those who put their trust in him. Marriage isn't an end to all fun either, as most people think. If the Prophet SAW said that the best Provision of this world is a righteous wife, then you can imagine how fulfilling it is to have a virtous wife and same goes for a virtous man. I felt like telling all this to them when they teased me, but of course I didn't.
Miss you SO bad these days. I almost wept thinking about you. And I can't even tell you how much I miss you.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Halal magic
So the other day, at that friends' pre-nikah dinner, two friends were looking through the pictures on my phone and they saw some of my doodle art pictures that I did in class, and all of them were...you know...hearts and their name and those 3 words and my friend was like "oh I had the fortune of seeing you say 'I love you' to someone!!". LOL.
So they think I can't love? They think I can't flirt? That's exactly what they think. How far they are from truth. They would flip if they knew what I'm capable of. I was always a true romantic at heart.
"You're the hardest girl not to marry". "You're the only girl I can't say No to."
That's me.
I can be bad. I am just waiting to be halal bad, to work my halal magic; as Mohammed Al-shareef said a scholar called it, on my man, the man Allah has decreed for me. Slave of the All-knowing. Insha Allah.
Halal magic, that truly is an awesome term for us women. Everyone of us can do it, this halal magic because Allah has given it to us, He has created us that way. We can influence men, it is like magic. When we use that gift on our husbands, it becomes halal magic.
Guess what? Once again, it has been proved that I'm not like other girls.
May Allah reward us both for all our Sabr and forgive our sins and grant us success in our marriage. Ameen.
So they think I can't love? They think I can't flirt? That's exactly what they think. How far they are from truth. They would flip if they knew what I'm capable of. I was always a true romantic at heart.
"You're the hardest girl not to marry". "You're the only girl I can't say No to."
That's me.
I can be bad. I am just waiting to be halal bad, to work my halal magic; as Mohammed Al-shareef said a scholar called it, on my man, the man Allah has decreed for me. Slave of the All-knowing. Insha Allah.
Halal magic, that truly is an awesome term for us women. Everyone of us can do it, this halal magic because Allah has given it to us, He has created us that way. We can influence men, it is like magic. When we use that gift on our husbands, it becomes halal magic.
Guess what? Once again, it has been proved that I'm not like other girls.
May Allah reward us both for all our Sabr and forgive our sins and grant us success in our marriage. Ameen.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Missing them
They ask why am I not missing them? What do they know huh? You, my blog, will stay as a proof to all that I felt. And I'm gonna make them read it from word to word, they owe me that much.insha Allah.
Only yesterday I was telling you I was missing them like Crazy!
They wanted me to be patient. This is me being patient. I still have ways which I can use to connect with them, but I don't, not because I don't want to, because I can't. And I imagine doing that so many times a day, twice or thrice I got really close to doing it. Whew. Glad I didn't though. I didn't chose this, it was an obligation. And I wouldn't chose this, if I had the choice, I'm not as strong as they are. But it would seem, I am better when it comes to patience, or am I?
I miss you everyday. If only you knew.
And you know me better than to think otherwise!
Only yesterday I was telling you I was missing them like Crazy!
They wanted me to be patient. This is me being patient. I still have ways which I can use to connect with them, but I don't, not because I don't want to, because I can't. And I imagine doing that so many times a day, twice or thrice I got really close to doing it. Whew. Glad I didn't though. I didn't chose this, it was an obligation. And I wouldn't chose this, if I had the choice, I'm not as strong as they are. But it would seem, I am better when it comes to patience, or am I?
I miss you everyday. If only you knew.
And you know me better than to think otherwise!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Crazy
Had the craziest day. Haven't slept a wink since fajr, washed clothes, gave away some old oness, met up with friends, went to a lot of friends' houses for wedding invites, had a great lunch from Asma (a hotel quite popular where I live). Alhamdulillah. Was pretty late when I got home and after a quickie shower I was flat on our sofa. Whew. Some day.
Guess what? My brother is engaged! Alhamdulillah. It was day before yesterday, the guy and the girl officially saw each other. And Alhamdulillah, each party gave assent. And you know, my brother sent his first mail to her (his fiancée) tonight and he showed it to us (my eldest brother and I have shown our first mails to our fiancés to our parents too)and OMG it was so embarassing to read it! I wish I could share with Slave of the All-knowing! They said we would work as a team, after my brother got engaged to tease him. I mean, this is the second time that I have realized that reading other people's love notes / mails is a really bad idea. It was sweet, admittedly and even good and nice, masha Allah. But hey, who knew this guy was capableof sweetness! Or flirting of all things! He wasn't flirting, of course but I couldn't help but notice a tiny hint of flirtation somewhere between the lines. Wow, this really does come off naturally huh? Like I said, the love that Allah has put between hearts is effortless.
And reading his mail, reminded me about their first mail for me and I read it again so that I can compare and I concluded that my Slave of the All-knowing is the best. And I read through so many others that followed that first mail. But doing this wasn't a good idea. I miss them like CRAZY right now.
Guess what? My brother is engaged! Alhamdulillah. It was day before yesterday, the guy and the girl officially saw each other. And Alhamdulillah, each party gave assent. And you know, my brother sent his first mail to her (his fiancée) tonight and he showed it to us (my eldest brother and I have shown our first mails to our fiancés to our parents too)and OMG it was so embarassing to read it! I wish I could share with Slave of the All-knowing! They said we would work as a team, after my brother got engaged to tease him. I mean, this is the second time that I have realized that reading other people's love notes / mails is a really bad idea. It was sweet, admittedly and even good and nice, masha Allah. But hey, who knew this guy was capableof sweetness! Or flirting of all things! He wasn't flirting, of course but I couldn't help but notice a tiny hint of flirtation somewhere between the lines. Wow, this really does come off naturally huh? Like I said, the love that Allah has put between hearts is effortless.
And reading his mail, reminded me about their first mail for me and I read it again so that I can compare and I concluded that my Slave of the All-knowing is the best. And I read through so many others that followed that first mail. But doing this wasn't a good idea. I miss them like CRAZY right now.
Friday, November 19, 2010
12 days
Wow huh. 12 insha Allah. The day I was shuddering thinking 32 seems like yesterday. Where does time go?
Where are they now I wonder. Shopping. Am I in their thoughts? Do fantasies about me interrupt their train of thought as often as they do to me? Miss you. I am so curious these days. About them. How they will be with me. How we will be together. Our life together, insha Allah. Like garments. Companions. Finding tranquility and pleasure and happiness in each other. Oh Allah, I pray that it be that way, always. Ameen.
So much to do, so little time. My list of things to do before marriage is not even half complete.
I wanna hear from them so bad! It makes me kinda edgy and uncomfortable.
Why is it that you don't miss me? Just you wait till I'm with you, insha Allah.
Where are they now I wonder. Shopping. Am I in their thoughts? Do fantasies about me interrupt their train of thought as often as they do to me? Miss you. I am so curious these days. About them. How they will be with me. How we will be together. Our life together, insha Allah. Like garments. Companions. Finding tranquility and pleasure and happiness in each other. Oh Allah, I pray that it be that way, always. Ameen.
So much to do, so little time. My list of things to do before marriage is not even half complete.
I wanna hear from them so bad! It makes me kinda edgy and uncomfortable.
Why is it that you don't miss me? Just you wait till I'm with you, insha Allah.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Their laugh
I SO love their laugh. Heard them laugh a while back and I was laughing my selves my mouth kept open like anything! It's so sweet.
I wanna hear them laugh with me. I wanna make them laugh. Insha Allah. 14 days. Exaclty 2 weeks from today.
I wanna hear them laugh with me. I wanna make them laugh. Insha Allah. 14 days. Exaclty 2 weeks from today.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Eid
They wished everyone but me. and my 5 month old niece, but they didn't wish ME! How can they not? *pout*
A poke on facebook would have been better than nothing.
Last time I woke up to their "Eid Mubarak". Insha Allah, next Eid, I'm gonna wake up to a lot more.
A poke on facebook would have been better than nothing.
Last time I woke up to their "Eid Mubarak". Insha Allah, next Eid, I'm gonna wake up to a lot more.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Days are swishing by
The pre-wedding nervousness and tension and sadness is kicking in real hard now. My recurring thought is: I put my trust in Allah.
Just 15 more days. Insha Allah. Woah. Days are swishing by!
I'm scared. I have so many fears. I am the least bit confident. Allah please help me. There is no might and power except with you.
Just 15 more days. Insha Allah. Woah. Days are swishing by!
I'm scared. I have so many fears. I am the least bit confident. Allah please help me. There is no might and power except with you.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
I will miss you too
Traveling again; like most times, I'm all consumed by my thoughts and my mom's face comes to my mind and I weep; unnoticed by those with me.
Mom. I can't imagine how she would feel without me. She will miss me so bad! And Dad, he loves me so unconditionally. I can't imagine. It pains me.
May Allah Subhanata'la make my dear mother and father strong and bold and strengthen their heart and mind with Noor and Taqwa. Ameen. May Allah make for my Parents a home in Paradise for they deserve it. Ameen.
I will miss you too. Insha Allah.
Mom. I can't imagine how she would feel without me. She will miss me so bad! And Dad, he loves me so unconditionally. I can't imagine. It pains me.
May Allah Subhanata'la make my dear mother and father strong and bold and strengthen their heart and mind with Noor and Taqwa. Ameen. May Allah make for my Parents a home in Paradise for they deserve it. Ameen.
I will miss you too. Insha Allah.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
More Foolish Questions
So what if he's of bad character? That was a question raised tonight at a friend's pre-nikah dinner. She was opposed soon by another friend, who sided me. Of course the former was speaking in general terms and not specifically me.
How foolish. Why is it that they don't understand that you can only know a person once you start living with them? And what makes them think I'm completely clueless about this person I'm Insha Allah, getting married to? Like my friend argued, what makes them think that my parents will marry me off to some guy? Without learning enough?
People have affair for ages, and they realize there is a lot more to the person they fell in love with to that person they are married to and living with. Or say, one got to know their fiancé and learns that they are rather short tempered or rather possessive, does that mean that one can simply blow off the engagement just like that without valid reason?
No matter how much you learn about your to-be spouse; marriage will be marriage. Life will be life. Neither is Easy.
I say you go by the Hadiths. And put your trust in Allah. Leave the rest to Allah, you have done your part with His guidance, and then He will suffice, insha Allah.
So what I did was just smile and wave, (LOL, minus the wave) like the penguins in madasgcar. Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave.
There is no point in arguing or reasoning for me. My voice is drowned before I start to say 'Er'.
How foolish. Why is it that they don't understand that you can only know a person once you start living with them? And what makes them think I'm completely clueless about this person I'm Insha Allah, getting married to? Like my friend argued, what makes them think that my parents will marry me off to some guy? Without learning enough?
People have affair for ages, and they realize there is a lot more to the person they fell in love with to that person they are married to and living with. Or say, one got to know their fiancé and learns that they are rather short tempered or rather possessive, does that mean that one can simply blow off the engagement just like that without valid reason?
No matter how much you learn about your to-be spouse; marriage will be marriage. Life will be life. Neither is Easy.
I say you go by the Hadiths. And put your trust in Allah. Leave the rest to Allah, you have done your part with His guidance, and then He will suffice, insha Allah.
So what I did was just smile and wave, (LOL, minus the wave) like the penguins in madasgcar. Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave.
There is no point in arguing or reasoning for me. My voice is drowned before I start to say 'Er'.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Proud of them
I can imagine a lot other people in the exact same situation as Slave of the All-Knowing and not one of them, I'm sure, would act like they did. Not one of them is strong enough to block such lowly desires. And that's why I know, masha Allah, that my Slave of the All-knowing is one of the most God-fearing people I know. Haya, that natural hurt feeling one has when committing a sin. They have it, masha Allah and not everybody does.
And so I'm proud of them. Alhamdulillah.
And so I'm proud of them. Alhamdulillah.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Wedding blues? No. Reality.
Tonight, my mother tells me that my brother asked her, 'Mom, wondered what our home without her will be like?' And she said to him, 'No I haven't, it's better not to, don't think about it".
(The above passage is but a rough translation of the conversation in my mother tongue)
Not the first time that love made me cry. Sometimes I think that I would be easier for me, because I will insha Allah have a husband by my side, and everything will be new and I will be busy adjusting my selves to this new life. But what about my family? What about my Mother? They are home, without me. They see my stuff. They will constantly be reminded about me and. They would miss me. And that hurts me. It hurts me when they are hurt.
Wedding blues? No. Reality.
Let's face it. Things are not gonna be the same after marriage; especially for a girl. My whole priorities will change. I am to obey husband in every matter unless it is disobedience to Allah. I'm gonna leave my home and move into my husband's. I'm gonna have to stay apart from my family, my mother, my father. New responsibilities, duties. New people. It's a new life. Insha Allah.
Oh mom, I'm gonna miss you so. My umma. I love you. And no love would ever replace that mom. Uppa, I will miss you and I love you. My brothers. Sister-in-law and our little princess. You make me whole, all of you.
I wouldn't know how to bear the pain of leaving my home and family, of having the strength and capability of adapting to this new and very important role of a wife if I didn't know for sure with firm conviction that Allah Subhanata'ala will be with me. Insha Allah.
"Call upon me and I will respond." I call upon you Allah, you're the Provider, provide my family and me with happiness and strength. Ameen.
Slave of the All-knowing. You've got to love me. I trust you.
(The above passage is but a rough translation of the conversation in my mother tongue)
Not the first time that love made me cry. Sometimes I think that I would be easier for me, because I will insha Allah have a husband by my side, and everything will be new and I will be busy adjusting my selves to this new life. But what about my family? What about my Mother? They are home, without me. They see my stuff. They will constantly be reminded about me and. They would miss me. And that hurts me. It hurts me when they are hurt.
Wedding blues? No. Reality.
Let's face it. Things are not gonna be the same after marriage; especially for a girl. My whole priorities will change. I am to obey husband in every matter unless it is disobedience to Allah. I'm gonna leave my home and move into my husband's. I'm gonna have to stay apart from my family, my mother, my father. New responsibilities, duties. New people. It's a new life. Insha Allah.
Oh mom, I'm gonna miss you so. My umma. I love you. And no love would ever replace that mom. Uppa, I will miss you and I love you. My brothers. Sister-in-law and our little princess. You make me whole, all of you.
I wouldn't know how to bear the pain of leaving my home and family, of having the strength and capability of adapting to this new and very important role of a wife if I didn't know for sure with firm conviction that Allah Subhanata'ala will be with me. Insha Allah.
"Call upon me and I will respond." I call upon you Allah, you're the Provider, provide my family and me with happiness and strength. Ameen.
Slave of the All-knowing. You've got to love me. I trust you.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Alhamdulillah
Missed them today. I was in the kitchen, clearing dishes and suddenly I remembered them and their love for me and I exclaimed "I miss him!" out loud! My sister-in-law was a door away from hearing me.
I look at my brother,wife and kid; I look at the things they do, and I wonder would I be like this? Would they be like this? Would I be hurt if they said that or did this? Or how would I act in a situation as such? And so on and so forth. Instantly I come up with answers, no we wouldn't be like this. Everybody is different, every relationship is different. I might be a little hurt if they said that or I would like it if they did this. And; no, I would act very differently in such a situation. And that's when I remember Allah. That's when I remember his blessings on me, when I remember how different I am from others around me, how differently Allah Subhanta'ala has created me. Alhamdulillahi Rabbil Aalameen! Thankyou Allah.
Haya. Modesty, shyness. Haya is a branch of Iman. Alhamdulillah, its a quality in built in me. Something that was with me for as far as I remember. It is not as simple as it sounds, haya is not raising your voice when men are present; be it mehram or non-mehram. Haya is that discomfort you have when your hijab slips a bit in the wind and shows your hair. Haya is not being able to decline a gift offered. Haya is being incapable of saying No to someone who asks you a favor. These are but a few instances. Haya is so much more. It is actually in built in most women, not so many in the contemporary society maybe.
Silence. The thing that doesn't bother me. The thing I resort to in most situations. I thank Allah abundantly for making me someone who usually guards her tongue and does not babble or talk without reason. Alhamdulillah. My mom tells me I have inherited my Gran's patience. SubhanaAllah, my patience couldn't be compared with that of my Gran's, but I know I am patient. If I react then you know things have been building up and I finally cracked, otherwise I am all but indifferent or I cry.
I thank Allah for my understanding of the Deen. Everyday I find myselves deep lost in the beauty of my Deen. Learning, reading and I am never tired of it. Alhamdulillah.
And Alhamdulillah for my good manners. For making me obedient, polite, kind and nice to my parents, family and people.
Allahumma barik alayhi. Alhamdulillah Shukr.
I am NOT boasting. It's true, honest. :D
I look at my brother,wife and kid; I look at the things they do, and I wonder would I be like this? Would they be like this? Would I be hurt if they said that or did this? Or how would I act in a situation as such? And so on and so forth. Instantly I come up with answers, no we wouldn't be like this. Everybody is different, every relationship is different. I might be a little hurt if they said that or I would like it if they did this. And; no, I would act very differently in such a situation. And that's when I remember Allah. That's when I remember his blessings on me, when I remember how different I am from others around me, how differently Allah Subhanta'ala has created me. Alhamdulillahi Rabbil Aalameen! Thankyou Allah.
Haya. Modesty, shyness. Haya is a branch of Iman. Alhamdulillah, its a quality in built in me. Something that was with me for as far as I remember. It is not as simple as it sounds, haya is not raising your voice when men are present; be it mehram or non-mehram. Haya is that discomfort you have when your hijab slips a bit in the wind and shows your hair. Haya is not being able to decline a gift offered. Haya is being incapable of saying No to someone who asks you a favor. These are but a few instances. Haya is so much more. It is actually in built in most women, not so many in the contemporary society maybe.
Silence. The thing that doesn't bother me. The thing I resort to in most situations. I thank Allah abundantly for making me someone who usually guards her tongue and does not babble or talk without reason. Alhamdulillah. My mom tells me I have inherited my Gran's patience. SubhanaAllah, my patience couldn't be compared with that of my Gran's, but I know I am patient. If I react then you know things have been building up and I finally cracked, otherwise I am all but indifferent or I cry.
I thank Allah for my understanding of the Deen. Everyday I find myselves deep lost in the beauty of my Deen. Learning, reading and I am never tired of it. Alhamdulillah.
And Alhamdulillah for my good manners. For making me obedient, polite, kind and nice to my parents, family and people.
Allahumma barik alayhi. Alhamdulillah Shukr.
I am NOT boasting. It's true, honest. :D
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Expectancy
Expectancy, my brother advised me about it yesterday. Do not expect anything from anybody, he said, not even a thankyou. Whatever you do, expect reward from Allah alone. It is quite a hard thing to achieve, to not expect anything from someone. Easier said than done. But this piece of advice is so invaluable. When you expect nothing and you get little things it would make you immensely happy and if you get nothing, you're not sad cause you didn't expect it anyway. I gotta learn to be that way. Insha Allah. Expectancy-one is better off without it.
Allah will reward you, insha Allah. That's all that matters. He misses nothing, and sees everything. The All-seer, The All-knowing. Not even the tiniest act of goodness or tiniest effort made from your part goes unnoticed by Allah "then whoever does an atom's weight of good shall see it, and whoever does an atom's weight of evil shall see it" insha Allah. Why care for the rewards of Dunya when you can get Allah Subhanta'la's. May Allah help me remember this always. Ameen.
Allah will reward you, insha Allah. That's all that matters. He misses nothing, and sees everything. The All-seer, The All-knowing. Not even the tiniest act of goodness or tiniest effort made from your part goes unnoticed by Allah "then whoever does an atom's weight of good shall see it, and whoever does an atom's weight of evil shall see it" insha Allah. Why care for the rewards of Dunya when you can get Allah Subhanta'la's. May Allah help me remember this always. Ameen.
Family time
Didn't I tell you that having my brother and family at home would make me more cheerful? Well, they are here! And I am. Alhamdulillah. It's wonderful to have a baby in the house. Those innocent eyes. Little feet and fingers and tender skin that radiates innocence and purity and beauty. Allahuakbar. It is amazing. Allah subhanata'ala's creation. Besides family time always best time. Masha Allah. This brother, unlike my second brother, he isn't occupied with teasing, nagging, bossing over and provoking me all day. There are lots of advices though, some of which are infuriating. He's the big brother in all sense. They both have their own special ways of making me cry and loving me.
Just so you know, I love them both the same way, equally. I thank Allah for my brothers and my love for them. May Allah make it grow many times more. Ameen.
I wanna hear their voice! Now. Why Slave of the All-knowing. Have you forgotten me?
Just so you know, I love them both the same way, equally. I thank Allah for my brothers and my love for them. May Allah make it grow many times more. Ameen.
I wanna hear their voice! Now. Why Slave of the All-knowing. Have you forgotten me?
Like clothing
I feel so distant with them. I don't like that. I used to think not hearing from them is the worst feeling, but it isn't surprisingly. It doesn't bother me one bit now. I'm hardly aware of it. Alhamdulillah Shukr for that! But not knowing what they are up to, how they have been, that I don't like. It is not a very bothering feeling, it's kind of uncomfortable and especially when I have to hear it through others, that doesn't make sense, that makes me feel so distant, like I'm not close enough to them and I am the person who is supposed to be the closest to them. Like clothing. Insha Allah.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Strange
Strange, I hardly thought of them yesterday.
Had some major cleaning to do, gave away half my stuffs, it didn't seem very nice to still keep my sticker collection and ludo and a zillion other stuff when I'm getting married in less than a month, insha Allah. But I still saved my yoyo and cards and marbles. So I'm a bit childish. So what?! They had said that I reminded them of Ayisha Radi Allahu Anhu when I told them about my dolls.
Haven't heard their voice in like real long. Must prompt my mother. Insha Allah.
Had some major cleaning to do, gave away half my stuffs, it didn't seem very nice to still keep my sticker collection and ludo and a zillion other stuff when I'm getting married in less than a month, insha Allah. But I still saved my yoyo and cards and marbles. So I'm a bit childish. So what?! They had said that I reminded them of Ayisha Radi Allahu Anhu when I told them about my dolls.
Haven't heard their voice in like real long. Must prompt my mother. Insha Allah.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Setting record
I can hardly believe this. Alhamdulillah, I'm cheerful; happy. I'm barely aware of the silence from their part. How could that be? It used to be a prolonged perpetual ache, my need for them. So how is it possible that I'm not aching now? Maybe because I have put my trust in Allah. Maybe Allah Subhanata'ala is so pleased with their decision that He is making this easy for the both of us. Thankyou Allah. I wonder how it is for them. I wonder if they have the urge to connect with me at all. I wonder if they think about me. As for me, I have no urge to connect with them because it simply isn't happening! I can't disobey them, more importantly I can't break a deliberate oath made to Allah.
But I do miss them. Everytime I think of them, I miss them. And I think of them a lot. And when they speak of them, I miss them more. And I can't take comfort in reading the words they gave me before, because that makes me miss them the baddest.
I can't still possibly be in the same daze. No. This is very real. We could set a huge record! No two people in love would stay unconnected like us when they have a zillion ways to connect right under their nose!
Or even maybe, I'm cheerful today because I spend the day with friends. Friends who were thrilled to see me after SO long! Friends who told me how much they missed me and how much they will miss me. Friends who are super excited about my wedding Insha Allah. Friends who told me I've become pretty and have lost weight. So it's no wonder I'm cheerful today! Not to mention very flattering remarks from my French teacher and class tutor.
So then maybe, this is just like the cycle previously mentioned, if that's case, maybe those achy weepy days are not far away.
But still maybe, they won't come, because this time is different in so many ways and plus insha Allah my brother, wife and our little princess are coming home! So that means insha Allah, our home would liven up with baby cries and nappy stink and my brother's advices and Hadith narration and my sister-in-law's sweet ways- more cheerfulness, insha Allah.
And to think my Slave of the All-knowing is all alone in there. Makes me wanna be with them SO bad! I miss you. I love you.
How jealous it makes me, that so many others can speak to them while I can't! And they can speak to so many others while they can't to me! It's a really annoying thing. Really annoying. Makes me incredibly jealous. I can't wait to have a right over them, insha Allah.
But I do miss them. Everytime I think of them, I miss them. And I think of them a lot. And when they speak of them, I miss them more. And I can't take comfort in reading the words they gave me before, because that makes me miss them the baddest.
I can't still possibly be in the same daze. No. This is very real. We could set a huge record! No two people in love would stay unconnected like us when they have a zillion ways to connect right under their nose!
Or even maybe, I'm cheerful today because I spend the day with friends. Friends who were thrilled to see me after SO long! Friends who told me how much they missed me and how much they will miss me. Friends who are super excited about my wedding Insha Allah. Friends who told me I've become pretty and have lost weight. So it's no wonder I'm cheerful today! Not to mention very flattering remarks from my French teacher and class tutor.
So then maybe, this is just like the cycle previously mentioned, if that's case, maybe those achy weepy days are not far away.
But still maybe, they won't come, because this time is different in so many ways and plus insha Allah my brother, wife and our little princess are coming home! So that means insha Allah, our home would liven up with baby cries and nappy stink and my brother's advices and Hadith narration and my sister-in-law's sweet ways- more cheerfulness, insha Allah.
And to think my Slave of the All-knowing is all alone in there. Makes me wanna be with them SO bad! I miss you. I love you.
How jealous it makes me, that so many others can speak to them while I can't! And they can speak to so many others while they can't to me! It's a really annoying thing. Really annoying. Makes me incredibly jealous. I can't wait to have a right over them, insha Allah.
Foolish questions
They ask, wouldn't it be hard that you don't know him? To start living with a stranger?
How foolish is that? So what about the Prophet Sallahu Walaihi Wasallam's time? Did the women have any idea of the men they were gonna be married to? Or did the men have any idea of the women they will be married to? Or maybe they have an idea, let's say they have a clear picture, but even then, you learn about your spouse only when you start living with them and that's applicable even in love marriage. The practice of interacting with your fiancé has become so common, that it has sort of become a rule, like compulsory. The immediate question is "why not?". Nobody ever realizes that the answer "because God told so" is as obvious as anything.
It wouldn't have mattered one bit to me if I were kept from getting to know my fiancé, but if I were in the middle of getting to know him and even let my selves get attached to him then things are different.
And I do know him-them.
How foolish is that? So what about the Prophet Sallahu Walaihi Wasallam's time? Did the women have any idea of the men they were gonna be married to? Or did the men have any idea of the women they will be married to? Or maybe they have an idea, let's say they have a clear picture, but even then, you learn about your spouse only when you start living with them and that's applicable even in love marriage. The practice of interacting with your fiancé has become so common, that it has sort of become a rule, like compulsory. The immediate question is "why not?". Nobody ever realizes that the answer "because God told so" is as obvious as anything.
It wouldn't have mattered one bit to me if I were kept from getting to know my fiancé, but if I were in the middle of getting to know him and even let my selves get attached to him then things are different.
And I do know him-them.
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